Husband of bi-polar wife

I am new to this and need to express what I live through as a husband of a bi-polar sufferer. I also suspect that Border-line personailty disorder is also at play here.

I believe that not being in regular care for BP is selfish to the rest of the family who have to deal with the bad moods, blame and intimidation.

There is no discussion about the illness and how it impacts the family and I find this extremely frustrating.

The family knows the moods and the tip toeing around and is fearful of stepping out of line for fear of the poor behaviour.

She has told me numerous times that I should leave or “hook up” with someone else and it takes all my might to try and ignore this but it hurts immensely.

I have worked hard to have what we have and I will not be throwing that all away and ending up with nothing because she will not acknowledge her illness or seek help.

I am shot down in flames consistently when having an opinion about any issues with the children. I am told I am the problem and I am a hopeless parent so should just live in my own world. In contrast, I find her approach to discipline on most occasions to be authoritarian and dismissive and its gets to the point where the kids end up in tears and stressed. This aggressive behaviour can last days and weeks with no remorse whatsoever. I have a very good relationship with my children. One child is effected more than the other and has recentley expressed that he feels like not being around anymore. I am very concerned about this and will be seeking help for him.

I have seen her medicated for very brief periods and she is a fantastic person. It’s like she hates something controlling her so she stops and the merry-go-round of aggression and abuse continues.

Out of nowhere she will start telling me that I have been behaving poorly and it is like she is describing herself. Like it is reflected on me and she believes I am the one behaving poorly when it is her. This is very confusing and I have started asking her not to reflect her behaviour on me however this is not always taken well.

Comes up with ideas to go on expensive OS holidays each year and when I ask how are we going to afford it and has she got a budget worked out, I am berated as though I am an idiot for asking a simple logical question. Similar with questions about her desire to do grand house renovations, I am treated like the enemy as I need to see costings in order to approach the bank for a loan.

While she constantly says that I should leave and I am an issue to her even though she has never explained why, her relationships with other family and friends are just as volatile and some of the relationships are failures over ridiculous issues mostly where she has not got her own way. This hurts me the most that I am made out to be the only relationship issue when I see all around us others being treated the same albeit far less aggressively. I have lost friends and family as a result of her behaviour. It is just easier to lose contact with people rather than put up with hearing her criticism of my friends and family.

There have been times when I have not given up the battle and given her what she wants or accept that I am in the wrong. On one particular occasion this year when I explained to her that she is degrading towards me and makes me feel worthless, she became anxious that I would actually leave. She became very remorseful and proclaimed her ultimate love for me and that she could never live without me. I think she felt for that first time that I had been pushed to the end and that she might actually lose me.

There has been no intimate relationship for at least 5 years and prior to that is was very rare after child three 11 years ago. I have tried to be affectionate with her and I get brushed off like she does not want any attention. She says she does not want anyone touching her, just leave her alone and this applies to other family members as well. I tell her I love her and regularly compliment her however it is never reciprocated. She does not touch me in any way and it is like I have rabies. She says she needs to see a doctor to get her sex-drive back.

I have read a book titled “Walking on Egg-shells” and I sobbed as it was as though it was written about her and I. I got on to the book as I remember my mother-in-law many years prior saying she was told by her bi-polar husbands (my wife’s father) psychiatrist to read the book.

I had to take control of the finances several years ago as bills would be unpaid and accounts overdrawn. She will find ways to manipulate me for money and I never say no even when I know it will leave us tight or short. Then when we are tight or short, I cop abuse about being a poor manager of money and it’s all my problem to sort out. Over the years she has taken out personal loans for cars and store credit for other household items. These finances ultimately became unmanageable leaving me to sort them out.

I am exhausted by the constant merry-go-round and walking on egg-shells almost daily. I sought out counselling which I did for a long period of time where I learnt to be more assertive with her for my own sake and the children however at times I can only take so much. Being assertive when she displays poor behaviour is a three way proposition. Either it works, it doesn’t and world war three breaks out, or the response is stored for an attack later out of nowhere. We have both been to marriage counselling on a number of occasions and our last experience was a failure in my opinion as the counsellor told me that my wife does not have bi-polar and neither does anyone in this world, it is more about coping with the stresses of life.

This relationship is 20yrs old now and I have pushed along for the sake of the children and I have often talked myself into believing that the relationship and her behaviour is just normal however I see in other peoples relationships that I could be living in a fantasy and then I think why am I doing this. I know that our friends see her behaviour towards me as being unacceptable however I don’t discuss our relationship with them and continue to live like its “all happy families” when often I just want to shout out and have someone listen to me.

I need to find the strength to continue on at least until the three children are on their own in 8-10yrs. If counselling were to be an option I feel that it needs to be with a mental health professional who specialises in bi-polar and the families of those affected.

not sure of where to next.