Coming clean

How do I come clean to my Mrs about how I am currently travelling? We use the traffic light system (green is good, yellow is so so and red is kaput). I am more yellow headed towards red, but I tell her green because I don't want to upset her.

I've been sleeping ridiculous hours because it is the only time I don't feel tormented. Apparently I've been talking in my sleep a lot too about demons and things like that. I feel like I can't concentrate properly on anything and am often floating here and there about a million things at once.

Thankfully the kids have gone back to their Dad's for now because I feel like I can let my guard down just that little bit. I never know what they make of me. Today we took them to a candy warehouse and they they were all smiles, so who knows?

I feel like I want to take some time out, but my Mrs always plans all these activities so that I keep busy (which I guess I need too). Thing is there is no time to be unwell, I just have to muddle through no matter what. I feel like I am letting her down all the time. I can't help it if my voices want me to harm others and self destruct myself at the same time. I don't get it, I don't particularly feel anything other than this blackness which has enveloped me. I've found myself being irritable for no real reason. I love her and don't want to lose her.

I also feel like this is all my fault. A month ago, the carer's counsellor wanted to push for respite against my will and I finally managed to put that idea to bed. Now I am screaming for respite myself. I actually WANT to go now. What does this mean? I'm afraid to say I need the help, as she always thinks I want to leave her for some reason, which of course is completely false.

How do I come clean and get my needs looked after and get her to understand that she shouldn't take it so personally? I don't want this to escalate into a hospital admission again where I was for a month last time.