@Zoe7 💜🌹🤗 - thank you. I hope you are feeling better. Have been thinking about you 💕xx
@Faith-and-Hope - hello my dear friend. Thanks for the post - again I read with interest. We are both really living with "ticking time bombs". It's a difficult way to live when we have to wait "for the inevitable tragic circumstance" for something to be done. A horrible way to live. I sympthaise with you as I go through the same. The anxiety it causes me is sometimes a bit too much. That's when I can get scared. I just have to keep convincing myself all will work out. But it really is against the odds isn't it? But thinking any other way is going to be detrimental.
It would be frustrating that your husband can't give some of his energy to spend more time with his family or at least help out with shopping etc when needed rather than jogging into the wilderness. When you spoke of that it triggered my memory that my daughter use to do exactly the same just over a year ago. She would jog at all times of the day and night and was obsessive when it came to the gym and weight training. She would also be constantly riding the treadmill or lifting weights at home. And she barely ate much - was vegan and picked like a rabbit. She had a body image problem but also very high anxiety. When I asked her why she did it she once said "it stops me going crazy".
She has since let that go and is substituting this obsession with high risk drug taking. I don't know if your husband has addiction issues but they do have similarities. It's the drug taking and her associations that have made her dangerous and put us in potential harms way. And we do live in a good neighbour - it's what she has attracted. And she is sociopathic - on top of having a mood disorder (bi-polar) and over a year ago was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which seems to have evolved to sociopathy. Not that I am a expert - but through living with her highly intuitive into her condition.
She has lost some grasp on reality - possibly due mainly to drugs. But she is also is high denial. It's hard to know if and when she has lost total insight because she is a habitual liar. She has point blank looked me in the face only yesterday and said she doesn't touch drugs! She is highly addicted to many varieties and we have written and verbal proof - yet she keeps denying it when she knows she takes them. I think if she admitted it to us she would have to deal with it? Not sure, but her denial is strong. This part of their persona when it comes to lack of insight and denial is so hard to work out. Because they start to believe their own lies and thoughts.
I totally understand your "absence" from your partners controlling regime. I have made myself absent from my daughter for the same reason. It's called self preservation - and is wise. We can't allow them to bring us too down or we will be good for nobody or nothing. Being around them too long could make one feel like they are going crazy. When she has the odd moment when she needs me - (i.e. Has experienced damage to her body from drugs), she becomes very anxious and runs to us. Only to give us the cold shoulder the very next day. My daughter is ice cold. But the main factor with this disorder is simply "it's all about her". We don't matter. And she has zero empathy. Is your husband like that? That's what I can't accept - not the mental issues. And it's very sad - as she will never form loving relations whilst like that. To me that based on poor selfish choices - it certainly is with our daughter. But the consequences can effect them mentally. That's the confusing part to which came first. Those of us who live with them will work it out better than any professional in my experience. But they desperately need professional help. I wish your husband would seek it for his family's sake, if not his own. As when it comes to hitting rock bottom that forces them to seek help the whole family suffers. But I also understand that we can't make this happen.
The mental effects on me are showing. And being disabled partially now unable to do much has deepened my depression; my anxiety is starting to pop up again but not that bad yet. I have always stood by and still do, that keeping busy is a very effective way of coping with mental distress and life on a whole - it keeps depression at bay. Isolation and not keeping the body and mind active feeds mental illness. But when ill this becomes harder to do. And having been in bed the last 5 days is making my motivation less to do so. A vicious cycle that is now getting me down.
Do you find keeping busy helps? What do you find does help you to cope with the distress of your situation? It must be lonely for you @Faith-and-Hope. Are your children supportive or do you attempt to shield them from it? I hope you have someone there you can talk to. And I will always be here for you. Talking here helps me but keeping busy doing postive things is what can save me. Together with love and friendship. Nothing means anything to me without the latter to. I find others are at a loss of what to do to help in our situation - and they have their own woes. I know this may sound crazy but I am afraid of losing total fervour and of my soul dying. Yes, I am in a very bad way. I have dragged myself out of the dark before - I have to find that innermost strength again. Say a prayer for me. Keep the candle aflame..
I had a mild irritating intervention with my daughter this morning - as usual she was doing something I asked her not to do again. She blurted "go away as I don't need your bull&!@? right now", to which I replied "I think you have that wrong - it's your constant bull&$@? that I am totally over". She said nothing and I walked away. I am reaching that point and mentioned to her last night - "it's a good thing you are saving as you will need it soon when you move". She claims she is going to, but it never seems to happen. I am more afraid now of her being around me than of losing her.
She went out today. We found out she was going to her "ex abusive boyfriends ex best mates house". That explained everything. The ex best mate is a "diagnosed dangerous sociopath". That was the last straw for me. I don't want this around me anymore. She made her choice.
Ofcourse I may come undone if any harm was to come to her. But I can't keep living like this.
Hope you are all having a good day. @Former-Member@Maggie - hope you are both well.
