Recovering from a crisis and lost

My husband was diagonised with bipolar a year ago after a crisis moment that saw him being rather angry and aggressive. He was involuntary place into psychiatric care after i called the police.

After the episode, i put everything aside, my thoughts, well being , anger etc to help him get better, while caring for our 3 kids. We saw a psychiatrist whom diagnosed him. It has not been an easy ride this past year with him finding it hard to accept his Illness. He kept thinking it was his drug abuse that caused all his mood swings and ups and downs. It took about 3 months before he went on the medication properly, after another depressed episode, but like he said only because i wanted him to, not because he accepted it, but he did it anyway.

The meds seemed to be working (well I thought they were) but he didn't, he thought all it did was confused him even more. He was confused about his feeling and always questioning his moods and behaviour and whether it was appropriate or if its because of his illness. We would be going really well, totally in love and everything going fine and then he would just loose it and we're back at square one. So its always up and down with him.

The last month he was complaining he wasn't sleeping, million thoughts and i could sense he was agitated. the other Friday, I call it D day, he lost it. He was very agitated and kept yelling at the kids for random things like not wanting to watch a cartoon with him, or not answering him when he called. I lost my patient and said why are you doing this and maybe i should take the kids to mums house. He didn't take this well. It ended up with him being quite violently aggressive and scaring the kids. He manage to calm down for 3 seconds and realised he had to leave which I thought was best. He checked into motel and we spoke the next day and he seemed calmer, remorseful, embarrassed, lost and lonely. It broke my heart to hear him like that, but also fearing that he would fall into depression. He realised the place was not good for him and he found courage to ask a friend if he could stay there. Which I was relieved he did. He spent the next few days there sleeping etc and only came home today.

But now that his home, i feel like we're all walking on egg shells again. When he wasn't here i wished he was and was sad every time he said he wasn't ready to come home. He would tell me he slept all day then wake up and talk to his mates who was very supportive and just listened I guess. But he would say to me he didn't want to come home and have to try (but all I think is - isn't he trying over there? Like sitting there talking to them isn't that trying?). I started off the whole thing with a lot of love and care and patient, putting everything that happened aside so that he could feel better. I've managed all the kids which is very stressful with them all under 5 so that he could come back. But now all I'm feeling is anger and resentment that he wasn't ready to come home and give me the emotional support that i needed. Which i know is unrealistic and this makes me even more disappointed in myself.

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, sad but not allowed to cry, worried but not allow to say, lonely but can't reach out, because i dont want him to feel pressured to being back to the real world even though i need him so much. He was laying on the couch and just looked at me and said I'm sorry but your not going to like this, I'm feeling major anxiety and need to have some .(self medicated) stuff to help him. He blamed me for making him come home, I said I'd didn't , and he said no but i called every day (I know this is his illness but the blame just makes me feel so sad) I told him to do just what ever he did at his friends house but he said no cus then I'll judge him , they didn't judge him and this is even more hurtful after everything I've done for him. I've asked him for a few days now to go to the docs and maybe get his meds adjusted to help him. But he said all he needs is rest which i let him do. But this self medicating thing is worrying me. His psychiatrist is on holidays until the 10. We actually have a holiday booked for 21 and i just don;t if I should cancel and I'm too scared to raise this up with him because i dont want him to feel like his letting us down and being a failure for screwing everything up. Omg its like a roller coaster. I'm so lost of what to do. I can hear him down stairs eating and watching tv. And I'm now angry that he needed to self medicate to be able to get to that point. Anyway sorry for the long winded first time post. I"m just so lost now. My patiences and emotional wellbeing is wearing thin. I'm scared that I wont know how to act tomorrow if his in the same mood. I miss him dearly and just wake up every day hoping that he'll be back to his calmer state soon.

Any advise would be good. Ive held all that in for so long haven't really spoken to anyone about this. Friends know about bits and pieces of our life but never the true story and i never want to tell them because i dont want them to judge him. I'm quite protective of what happens in our little family. But the kids are getting older now and they starting to notice. I know from the outcome of this crisis that i need more help understanding the illness and understanding how to cope in a crisis moment. I know i can't open my mouth and shout out resentment because that doesn't help him but at the same time oh I wish i could! I wish i could tell him exactly how i feel how much i hate him being bipolar! How much i feel belilttled because of his illness, how much I hurt and how much I crave for normal (whatever that is). When he is normal or hypermanic he is so much fun and we are the best couple ever (I know people envy us) but when his the other hulk he is completely differennt. 😞