Let's talk about hugs

I'm on team hugs-for-all here, though I am realising that there are people who may not want or like them so I'm a little more careful with them now.--- me too now @CheerBear

Hello @Phoenix_Rising, @STORMGRL101

Team virtual hugs for me. I relate to @CheerBear when she says:

I'm definitely more open in the forum than I can be with other people outside of the forum, so maybe with that comes being more open to other things too.

To me, virtual hugs means something much lighter than a RL hug. More like a way of conveying caring feelings, here in words. Like the use of emoticons. Maybe they too are just ways of communicating caring feelings on the page...

@CheerBear I am also more open to virtual hugs. Real world hugs are definitely a no no for me, a total invasion. One friend spontaneously did give me one, only one, as she said it was like hugging an ice block.!!! I freeze.

Hi all,

Hmmm...well @CheerBear it sounds like people relate to your experience more than mine. Phew, good thing I've had 40 years experience of being the odd one out.

I recognise that my way of experiencing virtual hugs reflects some of my muddle around attachment and touching. It's not weird or anything, just different. I super love being part of a community where different is so ok.

@STORMGRL101 it sounds like in real life we are alike - hugs are super comforting but only from a few select people. Like you, I also find physical touch comforting (though again, only from certain people). The fact that (A) got over her no-touching rule and is now ok with resting her hand on my back for pretty much the entire session is the thing I value most about her.

Hi @Phoenix_Rising,

personally I'm not much of a hugger, but I secretly wish I were. When I see people giving each other hugs when I am out socially, it makes me feel good. I think "Oh, how nice. They care about each other and are not afraid to show it." I especially like how young people, these days, are not self-conscious with members of the opposite gender and are happy to hug each other, without worrying about how it looks to other people.

When I was a teen, I would have never hugged a boy, unless I liked him romantically! It seems silly of me now.

So, I think cyber-hugs are lovely and a nice way of expressing warmth to the other person. No, I don't object to someone who hardly knows me giving me a cyber-hug. It does not feel like an intrusion. I always feel that the expression is well-meant.

Within my family, we weren't really ever hugged, once we left infancy. I can't remember my Mum hugging me after about 4 years of age. It might have happened, but I don't recall it. I did not hug my sister or my brother, either.

So, although hugging looks nice, I find it hard to initiate. I think most of my friends are aware of this and don't push it. We usually give each other a quick kiss on the cheek.... more like an air-kiss, but the intention is good.

Interesting topic.

Real hugs - for me feel "too intimate" to have with anyone I don't have an extremely close relationship with. Romantic partners yes, immediate family ok if I haven't seen or won't see them for ages. Too uncomfortable with friends, although I will offer a hug if a good friend is upset. Side note - apparently it's weird to ask someone who's upset if they want a hug instead of just hugging them...? Too bad, I'm weird.

Online hugs - not as uncomfortable as real hugs, but still needs to be someone I've got a reasonably close connection with. Or the comfort boundary can stretch a bit if I'm sad/lonely and someone's being nice.

@Phoenix_Rising, interesting discussion. The good thing about a virtual community is that someone can give a hug to someone who is doing it tough because they care. For me, it would need to be someone I feel comfortable with, however in the real world hugging and physical touch freaks me out! Being a survivor of multiple childhood trauma, I have been retraumatised a number of times by people who mean well and have wanted to soothe me with a hand on the shoulder, or give me a hug, which results in me trying to find the quickest way to get away from them, and then I'm so distressed and weepy and my heart hammers in my chest at a million miles an hour, and then I start rocking to soothe myself. And yet one part of me wants to be hugged. I totally freeze when someone invades my personal space. Anyway, lucky we're all different.