Boundaries

Hi @NikNik

Agree with you that boundaries can be hard to enforce and take practice. If you are not used to it when you first start it is possible to feel really selfish about looking after your own needs. I think it takes time to build up the confidence to achnowledge and trust your own "crap/moody/down" emotions as a signal that something is not quite right.

Also there might be a tendency to become too rigid at first and maybe practicing role playing could help with that.

Cheers

I have a problem with boundary consistency too. @pjc11

I also think we have the right to be human. With my son I am trying to suggest that its not an all or nothing situation .. he knows my general tendencies and values .. I have said I am allowed to have a range of feelings and tolerances .. sometimes I am incredibly hypersensitive that is the way it is (physcial and/or emotional).. other times I can cope with more .. we are trying to work it out with some respect.Thats where communication skills, patience and forgiveness come in.

I just went to a workshop on 'Boundaries' through ARAFMI. it was very helpful. We watched a short video by D. Rauchere, i think it was. Shift obedient focus to self focus. this was one of the notes i made. This is important to your happiness. Easier said than done I know. And reaching out, it's easier to make a boundary when you have other people helping you.

I have just recently found that saying the word no works wonderfully. It's hard to say to start with but gets easier the more you use it. It needs to be respected to be effective however there are ways to ensure this. One is to not engage in discussion/argument. The request has been made of you, you don't wish to comply, you don't have to give reasons. If it's suggested that by not giving your reasons you are not respecting the other person you just turn the argument on it's head because by not accepting the decision the requester is not respecting you.

Small word, powerful, but not easy to say!

Thank you @hopeandsupport

I think part of my problem with boundaries was the utter vacuum I grew up in. That is, nobody ever discussed anything with me with a back and forward question and answer style. My parents were overburburdened and the social and orphanage workers were too busy too.

Please keep discussing it with me.

I was very patient .. could wait hours or decades. Eventually my family SHOULD have been able to make time.

I am sorry @BPBear I think that boundaries are more complex and sophisticated than just saying the word "no". No" is appropriate sometimes but not the whole story. Too much No saying can be problematic and leads to silly polarisation and escalation.

I am too old to quibble about things but I crave and need nuanced boundaries.

I am trying to work that out @BPBear

I developed a chameleon style .. probably cos of too many changing environments when young .. 15 schools .. what to do to fit in or be acceptable was never fixed ..but I a still a big merger .. was a dove in the DOPE psych test .. sing in choirs etc. Afraid of the spotlight but manage it when I accompany other so see myself "in relation" not just a "me".

The good thing about that is I became adaptable .. but not sure about many things that others took for granted. My last psych called herself a "boundary queen" but sometimes that can just be unexamined habits and assumptions.

I am learning to say "no" to accepting things I dont really want .. and "no" to doing things I dont want to do.

But I have noticed a lot of people doing the "no" thing like a spoiled child .. so I want a bit more clarification.

I am learning to say "yes" to life .. but need to learn how to negotiate the spaces between me and others .. which comes up in unpredictable ways and with no simple formula.

Can you explain a little more about the shift from obedient focus to self focus @hopeandsupport

I noticed that most women and prescriptive and judgemental style of language when discussing things and easily got into disgust or outraged mode.

Then I would jump into defense mode ... of the underdog ...

I had to swallow so much growing up I have too much tolerance for bad things .. I am working on puttting up with less.

Hi Appleblossom,

Obedient focus to self focus, means not bowing down to all of their wishes. This wouldn't work when they are unwell, but now when I want my daughter to help out I begin my sentences with "I". I have to formulate the sentence in my head before I put it to her. Instead of saying even "Can you clean your bathroom" you say " I think it would be a good idea if you clean your bathroom". It's amazing the different response you get when you say it this way. I think it gives you the authority and they can respect the way you are speaking to them. However, if my daughter responds that she is too tired to do the chore, I just let it go and try again later, or do it myself when I have time. Getting upset with her is definitely unproductive for both of us. The other thing is they want to be independent, and it is hard to go from doing everything for them but you have to gradually let go and live your own life too. As my daughter is getting better, I am starting to do a few more things for myself. I guess I had a fairly disciplined upbringing, and I am sorry that you were ignored to a large degree by the sound of it growing up, given the necessities but not much else. My parents were both pretty selfish in a way, but I knew what the boundaries were and they were mostly good role models, I wasn't spoilt that is for sure. I have some notes from my workshop which i will try to relay on here, I just have gotten around to reading them properly yet. Take care.