living whilst wanting to die

I must say that these past couple of weeks/months/years have been tough. My week has been tough, very tough. It also doesn’t help seeing so much cruelty going on in the world in which my heart sinks each and every time. What we don’t realise as much is the good that goes on around the bad. Therefore, our outlook on this world becomes very dull. Not only has it hit me in the face seeing so many innocent people’s lives being lost to an act so cowardly & cruel. But – it also hits me in the heart to see everyone coming together in these times, in such a powerful way. For example, I watched the “One love Manchester” concert live on Tv ; and let’s say that I sat there bawling my eyes out as I could feel the amount of love in the room simply through a Tv screen. It doesn’t bring anyone back, but it shows that we will not allow FEAR to control our lives. LOVE will always win, fear will lose. My heart truly goes out to everyone affected by such traumatic events. It has to stop.

I have so much guilt in my thoughts and feelings most of the time. There are so many lives that are lost when least wanted. There are so many impacted by illness or events unexpectly. What people don’t really tend to understand is that our mental health can be an illness too. Even though it may not be physically seen, it is felt drastically and can impact a life so severely. These effects can then also affect someone phyically; through physical symptoms, self-harm and suicide.

NO people suffering with mental illness aren’t attention seeking.

NO we don’t do anything for sympathy.

NO suicide is not a choice. It is a trap.

People don’t choose to have depression. People don’t choose to have anxiety. People don’t choose to have OCD. People don’t choose to have PTSD. People don’t choose to have eating disorders. People don’t choose to be bullied. People don’t choose to have psychosis. People don’t choose to have bipolar. People don’t choose to have personality disorders.

People don’t choose to have a mental illness, just like people don’t choose to have cancer.

So, HOW can someone choose to die by suicide?

Personally, I have attempted suicide in my life. I have attempted more than once. In all honesty, those moments are all foggy in my memory. In my mind, I felt unconscious. I had an overwhelming desire to die. I didn’t see a future, I didn’t see a way out. I felt like dying was the only option to make things better, for not only myself, but everyone around me. It’s like I wasn’t even there.

Every single aftermath of these situations personally have been filled with ignorance, anger, punishment and no support.

Suicide can be prevented. Most people who have died by suicide were untreated, under-treated or not properly treated. The answer is immediate, effective treatment.


Mental illness chooses suicide. It is NOT their choice.



I haven’t seen a mental health professional in the community since January in which i had one session and was treated horribly. I refused to see him again, and CYMHS have done nothing since to provide me with help even though I HAVE attempted suicide since then. I am left in the community just expected to suddenly be happy and to suddenly find a reason to live. Today I will tell you honestly that, I want to die. I do NEED help but I am scared and too anxious to reach out. It took a lot of energy just to exist today. I didn’t get out of bed once, I frantically cried and felt completely alone. Completely unsupported. Completely overwhelmed.

There is so much stigma. I may be mentally ill, but I am not crazy. I am just needing of support and help. I just need help to get out of my mind. I just happen to have mental illnesses. I do not choose to feel like this.

I am not okay. And no -- nobody should ever feel ashamed or embarrased to say that. I have felt so lonely, alone. I have nobody to talk to, to turn to. Things shouldn't be this way.


I used to dread to wake up and to go to school but now I realise how priviledged I actually was to be able to go to school, to have something to do with my day, to have a education which is so precious and should never be taken for granted. I loved learning, maybe I didn't cope well with the social aspect of everything. With so many expectations and people judging you from every single corner of the room. I deal with anxiety, quite severely, and I used to always blame myself for the contant panic attacks and constantly being unable to approach people due to fear of rejection. Something that is VERY real, for everyone.


Nowadays I have no reason to wake up in the morning, no reason to get out of bed and no reason to function like a normal human being. If you have never been in that position, you will never realise how truly dark it can get. As everyone goes out to school or work or social events, you are constantly at home, constantly in bed, constantly lonely, and constantly depressed with your own thoughts and feelings. Yes, I have depression. So many people have been saying to me, "You are so lucky to not have to do exams and assignments!" when in all honesty, I would love to be in that position. I would love to be able to mentally be able to be in that position. But-- I guess I tend to fall apart and crash either way. I am always overwhelmed with my thoughts and most of my days are spent in bed. Practically every day if I were to be completely honest.


Never take anything for granted. I am still so grateful to be able to have a bed to lie in all day and to have a roof over my head... but I would not wish upon anyone to be in this position. Feeling so low. I tend to always sacrifise and care too much about everyone else. Nobody has ever really sacrifised or given up time in the same way back.


I have so much gratitude in my heart for what I do have. Somehow I still feel lost, lonely, depressed, anxious, suicidal... I don't know how to make these feelings stop.