How to encourage spouse to get help? It's ruining my life

Hello @FiniteEnergy

Thank you so much for sharing your story, it does really seem like you have been through some extremely tough times with your partner and currently feeling quite hopeless in what has been helping or other ways to cope, I actually cannot be more impressed that on top of this you are doing a PhD which I am assuming is adding to the stress at the moment.

It seems like you are in a really tricky position of trying to get your partner to get some help for their mental health right now as they are only getting support from you, am I correct? That does seem like way too much for you to handle, so maybe now is about looking after yourself as this is something that you can control..

Are you seeing that psychologist or counsellor again right now to get some more support? Or talking to family and friends so you can get a break from your carer role? I would really encourage you to do these things and maintain your boundaries with your partner, if she is suspicious than that is a symptom of her mental health and it seems like no matter what you do it is not helpng, so you might need to instead work on ways that are more helpful for you to cope regardless of her reaction, you will obviously need to call the police or your local Crisis Assessment Team if things do escalate and they can hopefully help you out if she starts engaging in risky behaviours when you enforce your boundaries. I am in no way saying that these are easy things to do, boundaries are hard and take time and lots of effort and conflict, so it is best to work on doing them with the support of a counsellor/psychologist.

There is Mental Health Carers AUS, who can also provide some support for boundaries, communication and support:

Mental Health Carers AUS

1300 554 660

http://www.mentalhealthcarersaustralia.org.au/

It might also be helpful to read through some other threads, there is a great one by @Sane74 about caring for their partner here

Another great thread by @Determined about caring for their wife here

As well as this Topic Tuesday we held recently about Having a Loved One with BPD there might be some useful resources, advice or discussion for you to read through there.

Thinking of you @FiniteEnergy please take care of yourself

Lunar

Hi @FiniteEnergy and welcome to the forum, It is good that you have been able to come here for some support. While most of us have different situations we all have similar fears and associated emotions and are more than happy to help each other out.

Reading your story just now sounds like a version of 'this is my life' so I really feel for you at the moment.
Especially the constant damage control and walking on eggshells. Lacking concentration due to the constant conflict or fear of conflict is life as normal around here. My theory is that when ever I see the light at the end of the tunnel it will be a train. (And it usually is).

FIrstly can I echo @Former-Member and say that it is very important to seek help and support for yourself. (And it seems as though you are doing this). I didn't for a long time (Tried to manage alone and hide the problem for well over a decade) and am now paying a high price for that in my own health. I hope the GP consult is beneficial for you today and you are able to get the support you need.

Do you have any support from your own family?
This is always a tricky area as (for me anyway) it is hard talking about our problems with out making my wife look bad. My mum until recently has always been mostly negative and unhelpful. it was only after my wife's first visit to hospital (mental health ward) that she realised how bad things actually were and even then she didn't fully understand.

Also agree with @Former-Member regarding the boundaries. This is something that I have not managed constantly to date as I also hate conflict so it has always been easier to appease. This clearly has not worked for us though as my wife is currently in hospital for the 3rd time in the last 6 months due to a high risk of self harm.

After a recent meeting with my own councillor I have resolved to lovingly implement some boundaries when my wife comes home from hospital. (These will be discussed before she comes home so that if the discussion goes badly I can leave knowing she is in a safe place with supervision). The reason I have always struggled with this is that I expect to have to implement rules for my children but it feels like a control thing when doing it for my wife. Lovingly implemented though I can see that it is for the benefit of our family.

You may have seen this in the other thread but the basis of our new boundaries are;

1. If you talk to me disrespectfuly I will no longer engage in the discussion. (Especially in front of the children).
2. If you self harm in any way (or threaten to self harm) I will call an ambulance.
3. If you drive off in the car in a rage I will call the police.

I will let you know how this goes but I have been cautioned that it may get worse before it gets better as there will be a lot of testing but it will be worth it in the long run.

I just want to finish by saying that even though I come across as negative about my wife and our situation I certainly am never intentionally negative about my wife, any negativity is directed at this illness.

I always try and understand that this illness is separate from who my darling really is and while it is sometimes easy to loose sight of, she is totally worth the effort it takes to to support her and keep our family together.

I hope this has been of some help, happy to answer any specific questions that you may have.

Determined

Hi @FiniteEnergy, it sounds like a very difficult situation. Plenty of helpful advice given above. Just a suggestion ... also give consideration to the cross-cultural element of the story. It's possible that there may be other aspects, family pressures for example, that are an important part of the picture.

Thank you for your responses everyone. I'll respond to things one by one.

First, I had a long talk with my GP on Thursday and she was great. She has written me a referral to see a psychologist for what she felt was major depression (and has put me on some antidepressants), and I intend to do so as soon as I can find one that is affordable. I was horrified at the cost of seeing a psychologist - most of the ones that are close to where I work are in the ballpark of $200 per visit even after the Medicare rebate. I really have to weigh up the pros and cons here.

One of the conflict points between my wife and I relates to money. We have actually had a good income as she works full time, and I have gotten good money teaching at a university and running my own consultancy business doing manuscript editing and workshops for researchers with English as a second language. Our income has been above average, but we somehow still seem to struggle to save any money. My wife is quite status-focused, and frequently buys clothing, shoes, expensive meals etc., drives a car that costs me a lot every month, and travels internationally at least a couple of times a year (usually with friends because I stay home to keep working because I don't think we can afford the trip). I'm not that focused on what others think of me, so naturally I find a lot of this pretty wasteful, but I do understand that people value different things (if you're familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality type system, the INTP type describes me pretty well).

So getting back to the costs of seeing a psychologist, if I withdraw this kind of money to get help, I'll be met with some pretty intense scrutiny (we have a shared savings account and she monitors it closely). First, I'll be in trouble for spending money (I basically am only allowed to buy food, put fuel in the car, or pay other living expenses), and second, I'll be subjected to a tirade about how I'm crazy and that I should just 'stop being stupid' instead of getting help. As it happens, when I tried to talk to my wife about my doctor's concerns, I was hung up on and then was sent 100 text messages calling me weak and telling me that I need to harden up and live up to my responsibilities of supporting her by just finishing my PhD and getting a proper job already. She doesn't seem to understand that the pressure to earn, and thus working too much to concentrate on studies, and the lack of general support and emotional exhaustion are why my PhD isn't getting done as quickly as it should.

I should clarify here that our living arrangement is a bit precarious at the moment. In some ways it has been good because it has created the space that I desperately need, but in other ways it is troublesome as it triggers my wife's abandonment issues. We used to live together in the same regional city for years, but when my wife graduated from her accounting degree she couldn't find a job locally. She was lucky enough to secure quite a nice job in Sydney though, and for the last year or so she has worked there, and I have spent around 4 days a week there as my work arrangement is flexible. The rest of the week I spend a few hours drive away where my university is. While my PhD is incomplete I cannot live in Sydney all the time as my research supervisor wouldn't see that as appropriate (and I think this is reasonable - he's a reasonable guy and I'm lucky he lets me spend as much time away as I do). There are definite upsides to her being in Sydney as she has good friends there from her hometown overseas. This means that loneliness tends not to get the better of her, and in some ways she has been happier than she was in our much-lonelier original city. Likewise, I share an apartment with a good friend when I'm not in Sydney, and he is very supportive and helpful. It fills the friend-shaped hole in my life without arousing suspicions in my wife.

In brief, the long term goal once my PhD is done is to get a job in Sydney and be there all the time. But while my life is too chaotic to focus on the PhD, this gets pushed further back. It's a vicious cycle - the PhD not being done yet triggers her rage, her rage triggers my depression and anxiety, my depression and anxiety keeps me from getting things done. Around and around it goes. I should add here that I think things between us have actually been better and calmer since she has had work in Sydney - so I don't hang the whole current situation on me being away a few days a week. It was like this well before that.

Getting back to people's responses:

@Determined Thank you for your response and the insight you have given to your life. I think boundaries are an issue for me too. For example, I let my wife know that when I'm at work I need to concentrate and would prefer not to be messaged constantly. Nevertheless, I'm texted about every 30 minutes all day and am the recipient of a blow up if I don't respond. I've tried to set this boundary, but it has never worked. Likewise, I have tried to say that if she gets angry and hits me, I'll leave the house and only come back when she's ready to talk calmly. The difficulty here is that when I tried this she literally started throwing all of my stuff out of the house, damaging things and creating the risk of us losing our lease. I know it's something of a control tactic, but when I'm faced with such dire consequences I do tend to cave. Anyway, you are right. I think I need to focus on boundaries.

@patientpatient I'm glad you mentioned the cultural side of things, as this is sort of how I have ended up in this situation. As it happens, my academic area is anthropology, so I tend to keep cultural issues to the front of my mind. When I met my wife, she was charming, bubbly, happy, spontaneous, and fun (and still periodically is). This seemed like a pleasant antethisis to my somewhat studious, purposeful, and serious way of approaching things. As our relationship developed, and she started to 'let me in', that's when the anger, violence, and chaos started to become more apparent. Naturally, I went to anthropological work and read up on her culture and learned that being somewhat mercurial, not having a long-term focus, and having a bit of an external locus of control is not unusual when compared to my own quite stoic cultural background. However, over the years as I've gotten to know a lot of her friends, many of whom are in relationships with people with my cultural background, I have learned that her extremes are not at all typical. In fact, there have been times when her friends have intervened in one of her verbal criticisms of me and told her that she's too mean to me and that she needs to appreciate what she has (the more-or-less unconditional love of someone who wants to help and support her). On the family pressure side of things, she does have some pressure to send money to her mother, but I'm okay with that. We are much better off than her mother, so we send her some of our income. This doesn't cause any conflict for us. Similarly, her family like me and we are on good terms and happy to see each other when we do.

Sorry, I know this was a very long post. It's just good to get things out.

Hi @FiniteEnergy,

I'm in Vic and there are good bulk-billing psychologists available, must be some in NSW. It actually sounds like the psych fee ($200) is affordable and the real obstacle is that your finances are monitored and your spending is challenged.

It also sounds like you're continuing to be generous to your wife by looking for assistance for her and making allowances for her behaviour. Your description happens to tick many of the boxes of an abusive relationship, see this link. GP suggests you have major depression, prescribes anti-depressants and refers to a psychologist, so it's important to look after yourself and see the psychologist. Seeing a good psychologist could provide you with some much-needed clarity, it's not a discretionary spend.

Hi @Darcy. Your previous post (the one your PS refers to) isn't appearing. Perhaps it got auto-moderated, or moderated for some reason. I read it and the linked page in the email feed, I hope that @FiniteEnergy got a chance to read it too.