Carer fatigue... this mum feels like a shell

I hear you @MyLilOne. Have had a tough week with my 16 year old. No idea where to find the time to be kind to myself. There is no one who can step in - well there is but I think it is too much for them and not their responsibility...especially the grandparents.

So what do you do to cope? A friend with a MI daughter today told me she meditates. Not sure it is my thing but will give it a go....

Is there something good that has happened in the past few days? Something else to focus on? Some days it is near impossible but I always try to find the things I am grateful for....

Hi @MyLilOne,

I just commented on @Janna's post, and when I read yours I thought that you both could relate to each other's experiences. She's also caring for her son for quite some time and mentioned the importance of taking some time out to do 'change the channel'. I'm wondering if you are able to give yourself an opportunity to turn off, and focus on you?

Hi @MyLilOne

I can fully empathise with your situation. I have an 18 year old son who has been suffering with major depression and social anxiety for around 5 years now. We've been to hell and back as a result of this. Many a time along the way I also felt that I was about to crack - and sometimes I did. The biggest breakthrough in my coping with his MI was to accept that it is what it is and stop trying so hard to remedy everything. I got to a place, perhaps on the other side of exhaustion, where I had to not worry so much about his non-attendance at school, or his isolation within his bedroom, or his irrational behaviour, etc. etc. I found that I was diverting too much of my energy towards him and all things related to him at the expense of diverting some of that energy towards me. I was given a perfect analogy by my psychologist which really helped and you yourself have said that "my cup is already overflowing". Imagine you have a bucket that is full of water in which the water represents all the things that are stressing you - e.g. all the things you listed concerning your daughter, plus other life stressors. The only way to prevent that overflow (or meltdown) is to reduce the water, but given that these are real life things that may not be possible so the only other way to reduce the water is to drill holes into the bottom of the bucket so that some of the water can flow out and not reach the critical overflow point. Those holes represent self-care and can include things such as - talking to a friend, seeking professional support, engaging in a pleasant recreational activity, chatting on this forum, etc. Each one of these holes will prevent that overflow, so the more you have the better. I wish I could upload a drawing to illustrate it, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying. Fundamentally the idea is to shift away from trying to remove the water, because that is not likely to happen, to employing means to manage it more effectively and prevent a burn out.

You have to be really consciously mindful of getting some 'holes' into your bucket and force yourself to get some relief. It's difficult at times to see that this can be done, but you would be amazed at how many small things cumulatively can make a big difference. In terms of professional support I've been seeing a psychologist for years and she has been able to teach me self-caring skills amongst other things. It may be worth seeing one for yourself. If you go to your GP and get a mental health care plan you'll be entitled to up to 10 free sessions via Medicare. Other than that this forum is a great place to offload to.

I fuly understand how emotionally draining caring for a teenager with MI can be. If anyone has the ability to drain the life out of you they can. Please take of yourself.

Janna ❤️

@Starry72 I hear you when you say you feel alone. I feel that way too despite having many good friends and family to support me. I feel like my moods are dictated by my son's moods. When he is having a good day (today!) I feel great. When he is having a bad one I want to curl up and stay home and keep him safe.

A lot of people have said the same to me re suicidal ideation...it is a cry for help...but discount why they are crying for help. They are crying out for something that we can't fully understand or supply. And I agree...the more they talk and think about it the more likely is that they will try and possibly succeed.

A friend of mine did a course with her daughter through the CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) here in Sydney. Her daughter had been admitted to hospital and this was part of the process afterwards. Might there be something similar in your area if you are not in Sydney? I haven't had my son actually admitted to hospital - just had visits to ED where he has bounced back quickly and no needed admission so haven't had the opportunity to attend this course myself. We have a private psychologist and psychiatrist (psychologist is pretty useless in my opinion but the psychiatrist is amazing).

All I can do is send you good thoughts and know you are not alone in how you are feeling. I hope things improve soon xx

Hi SharonM, thankyou. We are in Sydney and like you have not had an admission yet. We've been to the emergency department once last year but in my opinion they were pretty useless. We see a psychiatrist and adolescent mental health social worker, both of whom are very good. We have just been referred to the acute care team at our local hospital so just waiting to hear from them in regards to what the next steps will be. My daughter is still functioning thankfully its just those times where her mood dips that we have to watch out for and its so unpredictable. We cant currently leave her alone and I am loathe to let her even catch the bus to school on her own. I have taken the school holidays off work to be with her and not sure what I'm going to do when school goes back yet. Luckily my employer is pretty understanding and supportive but you wonder how long that will last and how long this will go on for. Ive even considered quitting my job and just working casually when I can ( I am a nurse) so many unsureties.

@Starry72 it sounds like you are on the right path. My friend told me that her journey started with a referral to the Acute Team and they did a 16 week course which was for both the teen and the parents (might be good for your hubby!). Her actual words were "we did a 16 week course and that I think saved us". Her daughter was also diagnosed with BPD also as well as despression and anxieity. She mentioned they focused on something called Dialecitcal Behaviour Theory (DBT). I think the course was called Wise Up.I would love to get into something like that and will ask C's psychiatrist next week if that is an option for him.

Can I ask how you were connected to the adolescent mental health social worker and if it is similar to a psychologist. As mentioned I think C's psychologist is pretty useless and I would like to find something that has a program to assist him in not on understanding his condition but teaching him direct strategies to manage it as he gets older (He is Bipolar, anxiety and BPD traits).

Like you I am lucky to have a very flexible and understanding workplace but I know the feeling of questioning how long they will be this flexible. I am a single mum (ex has all these conditions and more so is no support there) and am considering taking my long service leave while we go through this difficult time.

Please keep me posted how you go with the acute team as I am interesting in knowing all the options there are. People keep saying early intervention is the key and I am hoping that is true.

Sharon x

@MyLilOne sorry for hijacking your thread but hope you are doing well and some of the pressure has eased xx