trouble with family/ expressing feelings

@Sahara

you said:

You know @outlander,
you can't change your family, but you can learn to manage them. Just speaking from my own experience here, perhaps you would like to save talking about important things, like your mental health, for people who really do have empathy and compassion.
This might mean that you only talk to professionals about your anxiety and depression, for now. Or else you might have an especially kind friend that you can talk to.
If your mother called you a psychopath, then that is truly terrible, @outlander. She should never had said such a thing, but now it has been said. Sometimes, it's best to walk away.
Sometimes, you might feel brave enough to challenge her opinions.... you could say "No Mum, I'm not a psychopath, I'm just depressed... there is a huge difference. I'd prefer to have a trained, experienced doctor make a diagnosis- not you."
However, @outlander, I have a hunch that your mother was not trying to diagnose you- she was trying to insult you. And she chose a term (psychopath) that was particularly hurtful, considering you have a MI. Walk away. You do not need to tolerate being insulted. Her behavior is not on.
If you are up to it, then tell her during a quite time when you are getting along together, that her insults are unacceptable. If this is too hard for you emotionally, then you could do it with a calm, concise text message. Only if you feel up to it, though.
Remember, you are standing up for yourself in order to help yourself... you probably wont change her behavior by making her aware of it. She may still go on being just as insulting, or she may even double up her efforts, in order to try and control you. Sad but true.
Can you talk to a counsellor about all this, @outlander? You might like to do some role-playing with a counsellor to practice being assertive.
The thing is - you may never change the other person. Don't think for a moment that you will. That is not the point. Always protect yourself first and foremost. If that means spending a significant amount of time away from your family, while you heal from depression, then please consider doing that.
Good to hear from you- I'll write some more soon. 🙂

@Owlunar

you said:

Hi @outlander

I really like what @Sahara has said about your mother - your mother is not the person to help you with your depression and your need for respect and self-organisation normal for your age. It's really hard to believe but I do because my mother said nasty things - aw - that was hard

You are definitely not psychopathic - those people are at the raw edge of the continuum - I am not going to repeat what my mother said to me because I like to wear trousers and I have long legs and tend to stride - wow - people can be sensitive about their sexuality - but I have never had any doubts myself but my mother could really cut with the tongue -

And as Sahara said - your mother is not qualified to dx you - and you do need a break

You will never change your mother's behaviour - as Sahara said - the only person we can change is ourselves and I promise you - when you do that - wow - it will make life an adventure

Dec

Good on you for starting your own discussion @outlander!

Feel free to express all your thoughts and feelings. It's healthy to let things out and to get your feelings out in the open. xx

Ok firstly id like to thank you both for answering 🙂 @Sahara @Owlunar ill just combine answers 🙂

I know I cant change my family and its really hard to manage them as well. I have the msot responsibilities and its very hard !
I started only talking to health professionals about my mental health but after my psychiatrsit suggested I should be in hospital or I had the option to go to a retreat but I wont be going to that. I thought I need to let her know how bad this is, obviosuly she cant see it in me so im going to have to say something as at the time the retreat was a 4 week stay and that would be a hard hit for everyone if I just up and left. Im a full time carer for my pop, and im also one of the primary carers for my two younger sisters which they are with me to the extent of like 90% of the time they are with me- I get them ready for school and take them and have them most weekends plus somedays after school as well. Of recent my horse has become sick and over the past week ive been trying to fir everything in inclduing travelling to the sick horse 3 times a day plus cleaning out 2 paddocks as well as we have a pony in a yard that needs to be kept clean and I do all that on my own every day. Im 20 btw

Yes I was asking for help and I was actually trying to include her in option and what would work for both of us. I told her about the retreat and then the possibility of hospital and I said that my depression is really bad and my anxiety and that im struglging with it. And I offered her to speak to my psychiatrsit and my gp to get any questions answered and I wouldnt know about it and you dont have to tell me
and she said why do I want to do that
and I said so they can explain the severity
and then she called me a psychopath 😞

mind you she has had depression as well so I thought she would understand, she doesnt know that ive thought about the intentions of acting on suicide plans nor does she know about my self harm
I have complex PTSD, severe Depression, health anxiety, abit of social phobia plus sever GAD as well.
When my sister was coughing it kept sending me into a panic and I told her that too and she thought I was an idiot 😞

I havent been to a psychologist for a while now but as of last week I got approved for a few free therapy sessions through victims of crime as I was SA and have also witnessed DV as well. I dont really know if im ready for it though, but if I cant get through it I dont think ill ever move forward, I think ill end up in hospital and I dont particularly want to but if it come to it ill have to esp if I become a danger to others.

Im also dealing with bullies which im just ignoring at the moment but its annoying the heck out of me that I dont know what it is that ive done! And also another thing is one of the bullies mums had a go at me today because I didnt clean out one of the horses yard and its getting messy but It was also freezing and I clean it out everyday and I had to wait for the vet and I frogot my jacket- ice winds so I tried to just sit in my car and now the vets been I have to continue the treatment 3 times a day for the next few days until the vet comes back.

I also have a part time holiday job that requires clenaing out horse paddocks and holiday horse care but its not really holiday season yet. And now im stressing about finanaces because my vet bill is alread 350 and hes gotta come back on thursday to re check her so another 100 and if she needs another round of creams thats another 100 on top of that!

Wow, @outlander,

it certainly sounds like you have a very stressful life, with a lot of responsibilities. It might not be too much for someone who doesn't suffer from anxiety and depression, but I'm guessing that it's too much for you, personally.

You might be best to work with a counsellor or social worker to get things sorted out, so as they are more manageable.

Is you Mum getting some treatment for her depression? Is her depression the reason that you care for your sisters 90% of the time, because really, shouldn't she be doing that?

As for your Pop, I know you have good intentions and want to help, which is great, but could you organise some kind of care, like district nursing, meals on wheels, etc? A social worker could help you with this, or even your G.P. would be a great place to start with finding out the services that are available.

At 20 years of age, you are taking on such a lot of responsibility. You should be out having fun.... looking towards the future and maybe doing some study.

If you are being bullied in your work-place, then maybe consider leaving? There must be another job somewhere. I know finances are difficult, but I don't think it's worth staying in a job where you are being bullied. That's no way to live.

I really would consider take the 4 weeks retreat. Let your Mum deal with your sisters and your Pop for 4 weeks- it isn't that long, really.

I wish I could be of more help.

Please talk to your G.P. or a counsellor/psychologist about this.

Hi @Sahara
your advice is still greatly appreciated
just knowing I have abit of support is good

yes I have a heap of responsibilities

my mum doesnt have depression now that wa a few years ago now. No I have the kids more often than not because I just seem to do everything and they all expect me to and mum works as well

my pop seems to be the least of the problems at the moment. I seem to be handling it ok at the moment

I have a certificate in medical terminology and im also doing some other short courses as well. Im finding if its too big I get too overwhemed so im doing just a few short courses that I get a certificate of achievement in and though its not much credit itll still be a good thing to put on resumes or past knowledge for further studies as well.

Im not getting bullied in my workplace but I work from home as well not in the workforce.
The bullies use to me close friends of mine but have turned on me for some unknown reason.

@outlander,

family dynamics are difficult and complex. We often have habitual ways of relating to family members that become fixed and ingrained. We do not even realize how and when these patterned become set... but they are very difficult to change.

You may try to change your way of relating to you Mum or another family member and find that they are completely at a loss to deal with that change. They may rally against you. Their behavior towards you may become even worse that what is was to begin with.... for example, they may try and get you to take on even more responsibility and 'guilt-trip' you, if you don't.

Sorry, @outlander, I am just talking in general terms... and giving examples. I don't really know what goes on in your family and I am not an expert on family dynamics. I am just thinking of what has happened to me in the past.

At one point, I got way too involved with my parents and their arguments and trying to be the peace-keeper. I was basically taking on the responsibility of pacifying both parents, all the time. This was not healthy for me!

I had to take a step back, and if that meant that my parents' arguments got even worse for a while, then so be it. It was their problem, not mine.

Think about ways you can take a step back from your family, @outlander- even if it's only small steps to begin with. Eventually, you may like to move out of home. I wonder how old your sisters are, and can they start taking on some responsibilities? Even a twelve year old can cook a simple meal and do a load of laundry.

I think you said that your Mum works full time, but I'm sure she can care for your sisters on her days off/weekends, while you get out of the house and do something just for you.

It's not easy to make changes, but don't give up, @outlander.

Please do talk to a professional about this. You may need a lot of support to make some changes.

For a considerable time I have been expressing my feelings to people , they just happen to be family. At first I didn't really have a functioning identity- not after all the ECT, etc. I was drifting and just expected to be nurtured back into place. Well, there were too many things going on, and I hadn't factored in the Gene Pool either. My young son has ASD, ADHD, etc. and this experience has shown me that my family is well represented here. As I say, I have been expressing myself; but, my family "have not the ears to hear." There is no blame here, but I'm still a little put out that I didn't figure it out sooner. Guess I knew all along on some level. Fear of the unknown can be overwhelming. ..... Old Canadian folk tale: Frog got frozen in a puddle and stuck fast. Needed to get out and go to the toilet. Unable to hold on any longer - the yellow fluid melted the ice and let him eacape. Moral: Sometimes you just gotta get pissed off. Hey! Nothing that won't wash out. Walking away from something is just how to handle it at times.

I wish you Happiness, and all it's causes

this thread mustve got lost somewhere @Sahara !

and you wrote such a thoughtful post too!

so the family dynamics have changed just a little bit. since being in hospital they have realised i do way to much. they still greatly rely on me all the time. im trying to say no to things but its sooo hard to say no!

i realised how terrible everything was esp with relationships when i told them i was going to hospital. thye put all the blame onto me, and told me that im an attention seeking bi*ch. it took them 4 days to realise that i wanst well and im still not the greatest either.

i didnt want to leave the hosiptal in fear of whats going to happen when i left. and the hopital wouldnt release me becasue every time they called me or came to see me- every second day or third day. it would make me super distressed and it would last for hours after they left and the nurses saw that and wrote it down as well.

i still have a huge amount of responsisbilites but they have eased just a bit more and my mother is beng abit more flexible at the moment. well she was. now that school has gone back. everythign is yet again being pushed onto me