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Enter the Darkness

TiggerooSenior Contributor

Enter the Darkness

Today is a dark day... my beloved partner has crashed and is again, suicidal. I have done what needs to be done, arranged the appointments, referrals, talked with him, hugged him, told him I love him... but why isn't this enough... why is what we have not enough? I'm so tired of being strong... I Hate his bipolar, I hate it more than I have ever hated anything... but I don't get a choice, I have to push through... I'm it, all the support we have... but today... I'm tired of being the strong one

55 replies

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In response to: Enter the Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: Enter the Darkness

aww big hugs to you @Tiggeroo

i really hope things start to improve abit for you

its hard and i really feel for you

is there any other supports you cna contact to help you out? even respite care for your partner to have tht constant health professional and for you to ahve abreak as well

In response to: Enter the Darkness

Unknown userMember

Re: Enter the Darkness

@Tiggeroo

Anxious. Helpless. Panicked. Desperate. Exposed. Ashamed. Regretful. Self-critical. Guilty. Misunderstood. Hurt. Rejected. Frustrated. Manipulated. Resentful. Envious. Discouraged. Pessimistic. Confused. Loving. Hating.

These are the disorienting emotions that can happen when our partners are suicidal.

Remaining strong is tiring but necessary for the ones we love. You have done what needs to be done Tigz, you have arranged appts, you know when to call 000, all you can do is ride the wave, hold onto hope sweetheart, hold to that tightly.

You might not feel that you can cry yet, but remember that tears make less the depth of grief, don't bottle those emotions, keep talking and let them out. We're here for you.

Tigz you are a beautiful person, you see your partner beyond his illness.

Reminder online and phone suicide support if you need it.

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/online-counselling

Phone 1300659467

Would you mind if I check in with you regularly?

Darcy

(These feelings are of an anonymous blogger who I identified with)

In response to: Enter the Darkness

TiggerooSenior Contributor

Re: Enter the Darkness

Thanks @outlander and @Former-Member, today we are looking at inpatient treatment options with the GP as I don't feel he is making any real improvements on the current treatment plan, fingers crossed hey!

I have amazing support from my family who would come in a heartbeat if I asked but they live in another state. But it's always them who come... so I reached out to his family yesterday... and got... well, not much.

I am hoping he will see that even a short stay at an inpatient facility might help ensure his meds are right (I don't think they are) and get him some more intensive therapy. I'll check in tonight and let you know how we got on.
xx
Tigz

In response to: Enter the Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: Enter the Darkness

@Tiggeroo

Big hugs to you. Its good to know you have family support though its a pity about them being in another state. That makes things a bit tricky but its good to know you do have support

Im happy to know your looking at some other options as well like inpatient treatment. Hopefully something can be worked out for you both

Thinking of you and know we are here supporting you as well 💕💕💕

In response to: Enter the Darkness

Unknown userMember

Re: Enter the Darkness

Hey @Tiggeroo

Hang in there sweetheart, you are probably running on adrenaline and feeling exhausted already. My family too are far more supportive than Mr Darcy's. Hope it goes OK today. If bipolar boy ends up in hospital try and get a little self care in, but in this situation I know it is almost impossible to relax.

If your gut feeling about meds is that they are not right make sure you are heard. Apart from the obvious, I found that when unwell Mr Darcy was not very good at telling the pdoc what was happening and so much if his history was missed. I ended up putting a chart together which demonstrated he was having mixed episodes and downhill movement when on inappropriate meds and no mood stabilizer.

Here is a short 15 min talk that gives headings that you can put your observations under which is really helpful. You might already be aware of these things, I was not and would tell pdoc that Mr Darcy was not doing so well, but this time have been documenting properly for next appt. Another carer on the forum recommended this.

https://youtu.be/NRO0-JXuFMY

Darcy

In response to: Enter the Darkness

TiggerooSenior Contributor

Re: Enter the Darkness

Thanks @Former-Member, that's a great idea, Bipolar boy can't even tel me where he is at when he is in a mood so I should put something together! Maybe something to work on whilst we wait for the hospital to call
xx
Tigz

In response to: Re: Enter the Darkness

Unknown userMember

Re: Enter the Darkness

@Tiggeroo

Been thinking about you lots and am hoping you went ok today.

Another thing we have found handy is a mood chart - might be something you want to check with his pdoc about if you don't already do one.

The mood chart helped us recently, it showed that Mr Darcy was going downhill and we were able to apply early intervention things deteriorated. I have to be mindful that he tends to mark himself higher than what he is (he has only had depression since doing the charts, has not really had full blown mania).

As Mr D had a major crisis and BPii was thought possible and he was having had a lot of med changes we started filling out a mood chart, As I don't like to draw attention to his disorder he just fills out the mood bit, I fill out all the med bits and tick them off daily as I do his meds anyhow (under order from doctors as he is high risk due to past history - we get meds weekly from chemist and I dispense). If I notice he hasn't added in his dots for a couple of days I leave it out in a prominent spot with a pen and he usually gets it done pretty quickly.

We use the mood chart pictured on this site http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-mood-chart.html but there are a few about - this site has a user guide http://bipolarmoodcharts.com/ if you want to check some that are available.

On a medical side - patients with asthma or diabetes are often asked to keep charts so I have normalised doing this To me his mental health is a bit like diabetes, it is one of the short straws in lifes medical lottery, but like diabetes, being responsible for managing it to maintain stability is important and that is something I try and drive home to Mr D.

In response to: Enter the Darkness

Unknown userMember

Re: Enter the Darkness

@Tiggeroo
Quick message, keeping you in our thoughts, keep talking if you need to, you are not alone.
Darcy

In response to: Enter the Darkness

Unknown userMember

Re: Enter the Darkness

@Tiggeroo
Checking in on you Tigz
Darcy

In response to: Enter the Darkness

TiggerooSenior Contributor

Re: Enter the Darkness

Hey @Former-Member, sorry busy day! Bipolar boy wasn't admitted to inpatient because the psychiatrists want the long weekend free... I'm a little pissed at this response from our health professionals team... I don't know whether to write a formal complaint or not to them, both our psychologist and GP think that it is appalling.
Check out an app called Optimism with Mr Darcy, it's the mood chart app we use on bipolar boys phone, you can generate reports about any number of results entered and email them to your treatment team! We found it really helpful and our psychiatrist found the reports great for reviewing the past week/month/quarter! It also prompts you is you haven't logged by a certain time each day!
We now are pursuing outpatient options and continuing with our psychologist, every few days...
Fingers crossed we are heading upwards again!
xx
Tigz
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