Watching from the outside

Hello All,

do you ever feel like you're watching from the outside or wonder if you're still living in this world? I often felt like this as a kid and throughout my life at difficult times and I have felt like it for a long time again now. I feel like I am not really here anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I died and just continue "being here" watching from the outside. I remember pinching myself as a kid until I ask myself as a teenager if I would even be able to judge whether the pinch was real or not. So I stopped pinching myself. I have hurt myself sometimes in the past to "feel something", but I've stopped that too. It doesn't seem to matter anymore.

Do you ever feel like this? It is like there is a thick sheet of plexiglass between me and the world. I functioned for a long time, but I only function "limited" now. I don't want to get out of bed. Then I get out of bed and write my daily planner and try to include self-care. I normally don't follow my planner or do much self-care, but at least I get out of bed and do something. And my brain is foggy and sometimes I struggle to speak properly. I try hard to say it right, sometimes I say words back to front, like "milk cream full" or "roll seed meal whole" and get funny looks. Sometimes I struggle to add up 5+3.I think that is the meds. Every now and then I have a good hour, or two and then I fall back into the same feelings. I considered ending it all many times, but even that feeling is not there anymore. Even life doesn't seem to matter anymore.

I'm just here. Watching from outside. Waiting for a moment I enjoy and endure the rest. Is that what it's gonna be like for the rest of my life?