Please dont cry @PeppiPatty unless you really have to. Maybe if your meds are high and you can still have a cleansing cry occasionally that is ok.
Betrayals are hardest to bear when trust is broken by those closest. In some way it easy if there is some enemy or dangerous man "out there". I am glad you are on a roll with your therapist. It is important to know when there is affection, or joke, or camraderie.
My computer froze and I had to pick up son and do fried Tuna steak and salad to compensate for his day at the junk food palace.
Sorry about the surprises, it just keeps coming. I am probably manic. My different stories about MI or MH are personal and social. Its not all about me, but this feels like right timing to talk to the right people. I can have more "real" conversations with "mad" people. In some ways I have found many swans and hooked in with good people in music and lit/theatre. I know there are people who are brilliant and gorgeous souls who havent had as much pain as many of us but are still sympathetic. But this is my passion, how can it not be.
It was the same as when my baby boy was in the High Dependancy Unit, but I had to be there for him, not just be me. I had the best conversations with kids (in various stages of psychosis), that I had in years. I visited first psych ward when I was 10 so it feels normal. I try to be polite with "nice" people, talk about the right things, not mention the 2 dreaded "S" words that have such a sting, but being nice doesnt have the same zing as being direct and shooting straight.
When my brother looked happy I was happy. If he was going to score or grow some vegetable matter, he wasnt hurting people, my mother should have let go her self righteousness, but I guess she didnt feel she had anything else. I got too paranoid so I had to stop and I did not like the way drugs made people hurt each others like alcohol did. Generation gaps are very sad. I understand the D & A talk about self medication. I stopped when I was 21, had one joint a few years later with hubby to prove I wasnt a narc, but pretty much thought purity of fresh food and fresh air the best thing for kids.
I probably would not have survived if it had not been for taking on my eldest girl. Though It didnt end up being pretty, she gave me a focus away from all the deaths. Gotta keep going. Feed, clean, feed clean. Nothing is more pressing than a child in need, then another and another. There is a bonus in just surviving cos then i would not have put together the stuff about dad and the pedophiles. So it is not just schizophrenia after all. There is always a reason for stuff.
Go really gently with yourself. Sometimes there is not point in confronting but if your mother has betrayed you so badly before, just be careful around her. It makes me sad all this unresolved stauff between mothers and daughters, but it doesnt get better for pretending it is not there.
buona notte belllisima
