Intro

Hi all, I've just joined these forums and am new to this kind of thing so am unsure of what is and isn't ok to say? Please let me know if anything is inappropriate. In the meantime, here's why I'm here. I'll try to keep it short.

I've struggled with mental illness for around 16 years. It gets "better" for a month or so, but then I slip again. My father is an alcoholic and was quite abusive and my mother was his little lap dog that would do/say anything to keep him happy. Being an only child meant I copped all of his moods and outbursts with nobody brave enough to help. I'd finally had enough at 15 and left. My mother (unfortunately) followed and we ended up in a refuge for almost a month before finding a house. I lasted about 4 months with her before I became too much and she had me hospitalised without bothering to get a diagnosis. At that point she had become a Jehovah's Witness and was convinced that Satan had taken over me and therefore she could no longer keep me near her. After no "improvement" at our local hospital, she sent me away to a bigger city to a children's psych ward by myself. I was there for 2 months and didn't see her, only saw my Dad when he came to get me because Mum couldn't risk it in case Satan was still present.

Two weeks after I came home a psychologist declared that living with either of my parents was emotionally and mentally detrimental to me and I could claim independance at 17 and move out. I'd like to say that my troubles were over, but I struggled. I was completely on my own at 17, trying to learn how to survive and look after myself as well as trying to keep up friendships. One by one my friends gave up on me as I fell further and further into depression and eventually I stopped leaving the house.

Things seemed to pick up a bit when I met the man that I now live with when I was 19. I moved in with him a month after we got together - that was 11 years ago. We now have 4 kids aged 4, 2, 1 and 7 weeks. I've suffered perinatal depression since my first son was born in August 2012. There has been no break, I just keep getting lower and lower. I feel that I'm now at rock bottom and am starting to wonder where I go from here. Most of the time there seems to be really only one option for me. I can't talk to my partner because as quick as I get the first word out he's either yelling at me, telling me I'm wrong or cutting me off to talk about his own issues and how bad I make him feel. I still have no friends. I have no family. I've not found a counselor I click with yet and am on a waiting list for another.

I'm just at a complete standstill, it seems. I get up and do the motions of looking after my kids but I'm not enjoying it at all. It makes me angry that my littlest boy is 7 weeks old and I'm yet to enjoy having him here. My other boys are 4 and 2 and my daughter is 1 and I don't have the energy or desire to play with them. I look after them but just don't spend time with them like I know I should, if that makes sense?

I don't know really what I'm expecting from this. I just needed to let some of it out. Maybe seeing it written out will put things into perspective for me. Thank you for taking the time to read.