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Unstable mother

lololiliCasual Contributor29 May 2015, 11:29 am AEST

Unstable mother

I am really concerned about my mum and the main question I have is, how to get her to get help. However there are a few points that I would really like to stress:

- There is a complete breakdown in the relationship between myself and my mother and it is the same for my older brother and her.

- The only person who she is still on relatively ok terms is with her youngest daughter, my younger sister. However this relationship is now becoming very fragile and is on the border of a complete breakdown.

- My mum has very few friends (none of them are close and she tells lies to them) and most of her extended family are estranged from her and do not want to have much to do with her except for one older brother. (she has 3 sisters and 3 brothers)

My mother has always been very unstable, I think she has been diagnosed with depression but I dont think she takes any medication for it and doesn't get any help for it. However the doctors never see the side of her which usually causes complete relationship breakdown between her and her family and friends.

She has always been a very strong willed person, has a very bad temper and when I was young she would always get very angry and violent over small things. Growing up she always demanded absolute subservience and obedience and everything had to be followed exactly the way she wanted it. If I did that then things would be smooth sailing but as soon as I wanted to do something different or did not follow what she wanted then all hell would break loose.

As you can probably imagine as I became an adult this progressively worsened and worsened and we have had so many fights and arguments and episodes where she would just lash out at me and verbally abuse me (the beatings stopped when I was about 18 when I was stronger and I could actually stop her by holding her hands out). That I can only remember a few times when we got along and were happy.

The most recent example is that I got married 3 weeks ago, it wasnt easy with her planning the wedding and there were many episodes where we fought but I mostly tried to be as obliging as I could and did everything that she wanted for the tea ceremony (a chinese custom) I even got her to witness for us when we signed our marriage certificate. She was very happy on the day of the tea ceremony and we had a lot of family gatherings and nice moments together over a period of 2 weeks. after the wedding we had a luncheon at my in laws and she was there and we were actually sitting together chatting and she was signing in my guest book. A few days later when my husband and I were honeymooning I sent her photos and a message about out trip. She sent a message back saying she was very happy for us and she is glad we have each other and is now married.

Now it has been 2 weeks since then, after we got back from holidays I've been calling her and she does not answer her phone or calls me back (we live in another state).

I spoke to my sister who said she has been doing the same. The last time my sister saw her was last Wednesday and she was happy and cooked dinner for my sister and her nephew.

My sister called her again a few nights ago and my mum was angry lashed out at her said that she wasnt happy that she wasnt included enough in the wedding, she didnt think there were enough photos of her with us, she thinks we abandon her and she's all alone, she says we dont care about her and we dont tell her anything, that we are selfish, we should she answer our calls. she did this shouting at my sister over the phone.

I'm just worried that she is getting worse and worse.... I cannot understand how she can be happy one week and then the next week she hates us so much. The thing is after 2 weeks it is like nothing had happened and she will happily drop by unannounced at my sisters house and bring her food etc.

This kind of scenario has been going on for years, my sister is the last person that she still has a connection to, i'm really worried that one day she is going to get fed up and just not bother about mum anymore (this is the stage that me and my brother are at now)

Any help or suggestions?

9 replies

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In response to: Unstable mother

CherryBombSenior Contributor29 May 2015, 5:09 pm AEST

Re: Unstable mother

Hi @lololili

Welcome to the Forums. Congratulations on your wedding. I'm sorry that you've come back to a stressful situation after your honeymoon.

From what you've written it seems like your mother can be volatile sometimes, which has led to some of her friends and family cutting ties with her to the point that there's barely anyone left. On one hand, I can hear that you'd like like for her to have support, but on the other, it's becoming increasingly impossible due to her erratic behaviour.

It can be helpful to establish firm boundaries with her. These essential to maintain healthy relationships, because they keep people both physically and emotionally safe. @3forme has provide some information on for carers workshops on boundaries and challening behaviours.

There's a few other members who are also caring/care about a parent. @Anon started this discussion 'struggling with my dad' @Jes_riot wrote this post 'I am not my mother's parent' and @Jane1 wrote this post about caring about caring for their parent. Feel free to take a look these posts and contribute to them. If you want to get the attention of any member just type the '@' symbol write their name. They should get an email letting them know that you've mentioned them.

You mentioned you think she has depression. May I ask when she got this diagnosis? Is she open to getting another assessment or treatment? If she is not, it might be worth for you and your siblings to seek support yourself. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, but if your mum is unwilling to make changes, it means that things will likely remain the same - as you mentioned this has been going on for quite sometime. But speaking to a counsellor can help you to initate some changes to help you manage the situation.

In response to: Re: Unstable mother

SimpleAsThisSenior Contributor30 May 2015, 4:13 pm AEST

Re: Unstable mother

Hey @lololili

Your situation sounds similar to mine, my mother has been an unstable rollercoaster since I can recall.

I know the pain you're feeling too, we love our parents so of course we want to see them happy and healthy.

While many people suffer depression, I'm wondering if perhaps your mum suffers from bipolar disorder? It's easily missed and treated as anxiety and depression - but the sudden mood change from one extreme to the other sounds like it could be more.... I know cause that's exactly what happened to my mum.

Bipolar is able to be treated with medication like depression, but unfortunately it's a choice and if your mum (like my own) refuses to medicate then there really isn't a lot you can do. Try talking to her about how her health is effecting those who love her and it might be enough for her to make a change..... But a person must WANT to change.

Now this part is for YOU.

After everything, sometimes all there is, is 'acceptance'... No matter how you try to fathom or fix things, all your attempts to make another person happy and more than enough information about too much bulls**t; you need to realise that even if you call her mum, she (the cats mother) is an individual with a mind of her own and choices to make... It isn't your job to be "that".... You're married now wth so much possibility in front of you, trust me.. You'll regret your life if in 20 years you look back on yourself, looking back for your mother and neglecting your own happiness, love, life.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can AND

the wisdom to know the difference."

Or at least find comfort in the fact you did try and you will still be there for her when it counts... Like when you have beatiful grandchildren?? Cheer up buttercup xx

In response to: Re: Unstable mother

lololiliCasual Contributor02 June 2015, 6:29 pm AEST

Re: Unstable mother

Thanks CherryBomb. I'm not really sure when mum was diagnosed with depression or if she is being treated. My sister told me about it. Mum does not talk to me about anything anymore. I think my sister and I will have to wait until she calms down and when my sister is talking to her again for her to suggest to mum to think about getting help.

We have tried in the past to set boundaries but she has no concept of what she has done and will not acknowledge that she has done anything wrong. In the past I have told her very calmly that what she had said/done had really upset me and then I would explain the reasoning for making certain decisions based on her unreliability and upseting behaviour. However she does not acknowledge she has done anything wrong rather she sees us as being unfilial and that we don't care about her or consider her feelings. Sometimes I feel like she has absolutely forgotten what she has done, how she has shouted at us in abusive language, like she has no concept/memory of it.

I will wait until she calms down and try again.

Yes myself, my sister and brother are aware of our own mental health, I have had a lot of counselling in the past and I was a lot worse in my teenage years. My brother had very severe depression during his teenage years. We all have had suicidal thoughts but I think becasue we have each other and we have all had to seek help at one point, we have been able to overcome things and have more strategies with dealing with her and our lives in general. We are definitely very supportive of each other, despite mum playing one sibling against another.

I am very conscious of this and therefore I had to make the decision to limit the amount of time I spend with my mum especially when we are alone.... She really has a way of getting into your head and before you know it I lose all my senses and can get into such an intense anger/unhappiness and just have to leave her presence.

In response to: Re: Unstable mother

lololiliCasual Contributor02 June 2015, 6:31 pm AEST

Re: Unstable mother

Thank you for your encouraging words. Yes as I said in the previous post, I am very aware of my own mental health and now that I am starting my family I want to make sure I look after myself. But of course I worry about my sister and I still love and care for my mum and only wish that she would get some help.

In response to: Unstable mother

hopeandsupportSenior Contributor07 June 2015, 4:42 am AEST

Re: Unstable mother

If your mother is or has been a single parent sounds like the pressure makes her explode every now and then, but if it's ongoing she needs professional help. Continuing stress will change her mental health. and blaming her children doesn't help her or you. maybe your younger sister could persuade her to get help before its too late.

In response to: Re: Unstable mother

AppleblossomSenior Contributor28 June 2015, 12:35 am AEST

Re: Unstable mother

@lololili

Yes pressures of life may be part of her problem. It sounds as if you are doing all you can to keep her included. I did not have success getting my mother to get help or to admit to anything. In the end she corroded a lot of my relationships.

It is not an easy call for you.

In response to: Re: Unstable mother

lololiliCasual Contributor02 July 2015, 7:10 pm AEST

Re: Unstable mother

Thanks for everyone's reply. It's almost 2 months now and both my sister and I still have not heard form my mum and she still wont answer our calls, she told my sister that she wants to be left alone. I guess we have to just respect that.

The posts from everyone has really been encouraging, I have my own family now and I am able to make a difference to my childrens lives one day.

My mum is not going to give me the love, tenderness and connection that I want and pining for what will not happen will only make me upset.

I need to focus on my present happiness and build relationships with my family and friends who do support and love me.

In response to: Re: Unstable mother

lololiliCasual Contributor02 July 2015, 7:21 pm AEST

Re: Unstable mother

Hi @SimpleAsThis I just want to thank you again for your words which really resonated with me. And reading them again it feels like someone really understands how I feel.

Because sometimes I do feel so much guilt for not trying harder or doing more.

Like you said acceptance is so important and accepting that I cant do any more without compromising my own happiness and wellbeing.

In response to: Re: Unstable mother

MadScientistCasual Contributor21 Apr 2021, 8:30 pm AEST

Re: Unstable mother

Hi lololili,

I feel like you are writing about my own mother, which makes me incredibly sad (as I would never want anyone to experience this) but also relieved (that I'm not going crazy!). It has taken me to reach my 30s to realise that the problem behaviour from my mother is actually NOT my fault, unlike what I am being continually told.

My mother also has a very selective memory when it comes to her own behaviour which is very frustrating (and confusing) at times. She often is so convincing in her outrage that she can make me second guess myself! It is very demoralising.

I'm sorry to hear about the struggles faced by you and your siblings with your mental health, but I'm glad that you've all had help, and that you can all support each other - that's really important. I'm facing a situation currently where two of my siblings are so entrenched in the story my mother believes in that I could risk losing contact with them if I choose to cut contact with my mother. It's really tricky at the moment to balance protecting myself and losing contact with my siblings and their kids.

Stay strong and keep up the good work - you're certainly not alone!

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