SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

In such a crazy fast moving society. It helps to slow things down enough to get to know people.

Words are only one way to connect.

@outlander

Dont let feelings get you down. They are very sneaky and can jump all over the place before you even know why.

Aww, thanks for saying @Appleblossom - usually i'm critivised for being so open. Really don't have patience for 'small talk' - except maybe as icebreakers. You always seem to 'get' what i'm saying when most are way off the mark. And your sharp intellect blows me away. Glad your 'despondence' lifted. That's the thing with feelings, they are transient, like the weather, and FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS! HA, but its another thing to not get hooked into action. Glad your boy is happy.

My son moved house on the weekend to share with a mate.

He's 28 & fiercely independent. - not walking close to Christ atm but I'm hopeful he'll be restored.

Having a laydown after taking dad to barber & coffee. He's really dependent now (compared to last year), so slow. Even getting in the car he stands there for 5min winth door open loiking in trying this and that.. I have to remind him to put his bum in first. Its really sad. And hard to stand back / be patient (sheesh 😖 please hurry up before one of us dies... i think... but would never say), the dr keeps reminding me "its gonna fet much worse"

Bro4 popped in yesterday - always fishing... "can you give me a dollar sis" he says. "No! " is my response as i've made it clear 'i'm not doing the money thing. But whats one dollar? Neither here or there, how stupid to adk, what do you think of that?

Theres a blackhole

that calls me

I don't know why

Perhaps i am lonely

Don't wanna die

But call me it does

Stiring much within

Fear and doubt

Despair is a sin

Stammering for rock

Firm ground to stand

Slippery slopes rule

On blackhole's band

But hold on i must

Till it's pull passes by

Then i can breathe

Then i can fly

LT

GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS

Do you ever feel like you just doing rewind? Going through the motions? Day in day out?

Today was different. Woke with energy (wow, must have slept better), was thw best feeling ever, and my shoulder didn't grab in pain when i stretched. The dog didn't pee on the floor and ot wasnt so cold. The neighbour talked with us while hosing the garden. Dad was watching on the veranda. Its like a village atmosphere in our street on bin night. Everyone comes out of their boxes briefly. I like that.

So WinterBlues held off today, though hope i'm not swinging - don't remember writing the above poem last night.

Visited bro4 briefly today, he liked that i think.

Its probably not fair i've come & expected all of them to have time for me after living away for

2+ decades. They all have their comfortable lives without making room for me. I thought maybe less distance would help - but apparently not. And my pushing to be with them more - maybe that's cruel since i probably will leave again. I just thought its a good opportunity to reconnect. But maybe not. Bro4 is cross i wont lend him money every fortnight & interprets that as not caring, but i do and i'm here. But out of all of yhem Bro4 has been far mor visible to dad & I. He's clumsy in his efforts & shocking to his own kids, but he tries. He's depressed too. All of us are on different levels. He wont help in the garden here or any of that but he visits.

Bro2 isnt talking to me again, apparently can't wait 'till i "pss off back to qld" Hmm, wonder what i'm actually doing that he wants me out of the way.

My qld friend has pulled the pin on watering my plants. And i havent heard ftom her for two weeks. Feel i need to give her space but hey - am i really that bad.

My cuz is cross with me for cancelling a couple of times. She doesn't seem interested in trying anymore. I had good reason and have much to juggle so honestly hope ppl would be more understanding. Hurts though, like rejection. Occurred to me she sides with my sister, who has money but also - my sis was bridesmaid at her wedding. And they talk.

Relationships can be soooo complicated. I just wanna hide away. I can never compete with all the lovelies out there.

Tried to explain to someone today how my son (my life) was talking of moving to Norway or Germany and how without him i dont know where to live when my job is done here. Nobody really wants me. Its a hard place to go in my planning. Feels like 'the end' to go there. But present moment keeps me going, doing a good thing, so, best let the future take care of itself.

Haha, is anyone listening? Best nod off soon 🙂

Feel aweful this am (headache, nausea, heavy head, dizzy) so called in chemist to check BP=138/88 (normal) BUT, when i told the pharmist i ran out of Antidepressant SSRI's teo days ago - would that cause these symptoms? "Absolutely" she declared and we gad a long discussion anout how long should people use SSRI's and how to slowly come off them with Dr's approval of cause. 2 days surprised me (or was it x3?) Needless to say - i filled my repeats and just took double dose.

Bit sad because Bro2 has manipulated Bro4 to taking dad to his place for a BBQ lunch and I'M NOT INVITED 😖

I don't understand them, why they have to be so horrible to me. Apart from raising my voice at my sis - telling dad lies, and calling police when bro2 was verbally abusing me... i have not done anything... maybe i have. Anyway, i would think the good i'm doing with dad and my efforts to get on with them would be enough.

Bro4 & Bro3 are complaining 'no petrol money to attend this bbq' so it will be interesting to see if dad still has $90 in his wallet tonight. Was gonna hide sone but this will be a test. Thing is with dementia so bad - dad can't remember.

Bro4 was picking dad up 10am so i made sure dad was ready and went to special church service talk on Anxiety conducted by achristian psychologist, anglican minister & GP). It was really good. But before it ended bro4 rang "dads had accident can u come help? " I told him where the gloves were and he'll be fine. When i got home 1/2hr later he was struggling (dry reaching he said) and yep - it was bad and my being there was timely. Poor dad. Notised bro4 (9yrs younger than me) was quute breathless for his efgorts and complained of a bad back. Hmm, here i am doing this stuff for dad every day with no help or thanks from them so my sympathy was low - but i didn't show it. The issue of the front door key came up again so I'm rethinking all that.

@Owlunar, i've been writing a long reply to your beautiful post on the grief thread. Just tagging you here till i get back there.

Found a beautiful butterfly to hang in the window for my girl. Ill post a pic later.

feeling forgotton