SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

I find foot masseusses in shopping centres @Former-Member .....

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@Former-Member I am probably paranoid but it does seem a bit suspicious but I don't know that may just be me.

Just super sad atm, lots of intrusive bad thoughts, even though really, there's not much bad in my face. Internal mostly (unconscious self inflicted maybe), or a 'collective' consciousness I'm picking up strong. Who knows. Maybe coming down with something, have a bad headache.

The 'bad crime' condemnation I think may be a combination of having to be Tawney again here, hasn't helped me at all. Interpreting people's absence and withdrawal as a consrquence, anothet abandonment. And maybe irl because I couldn't save my girl or control her asthma better... teating me like a murderer.

My clutter bugging and chubbiness and the MI (anxiety, cPTSD, bpd, depression and fatigue) is judged or labelled lazy, welfare recipient, malingerer, surplus population, people here on the forums & behind the scenes have called me names too... it goes on. Today the echoes are all hitting me at once (probably accounts for the bad headache). Can't switch it off atm, trying. So quiet otherwise. Not coping. I see others getting tended to whole I'm invisible. Am I too quiet, or just irrelevant? Not good. ✖💥💨

Maybe just feeling bad, or powerless, that even when someone in my circle dies - theres nothing I can do.. Makes me 'feel' hopelessness. Or maybe I'm just beating myself up for not being able to 'bung-it-on' for people anymore, be tough... strong... sacrificial... giving... etc beyond my own needs, like I was conditioned to by mother dearest, solidified in teaching by the church...

When I was strong, before the breakdown, I could do it, but now, now I have nothing left, not even for myself it feels _😩_

I have a lifetime of pushing passed past myself for others.

Even at ladies support group yesterday one blurted out that I "should be able to go and honour my friend, if she's important enough to me" Also, her first question when I arrived was "how's ya mum?" (implying I should do more in that dpt too), which already guilts me. I felt invalidated. Then another friend returned my call yesterday - called me racist (because I'm weary of this tree man), and she snapped at me for forgetting she told me she was away this week.

I'm just ve-------ery tired 😩

But at least i had a good chat with my son last night, he said 'don't go' (to tbe funeral), considering where it is. Doesn't think he could, given his sis viewing was there. Said to look after me... (wow, normally he pressures me to perform too). Last thing I wanna do is make a scene, faint or become overwhelmed and have to run out... They don't need that. Will stay home, safer. Not asbif I'm bowled over with invites yo drive me in or sit with... ...

Guess God knows our heart, sorry I am not a stronger person ❤

Wow, my dad just rang, said mum told him too (but she won't ring my number anymore - only tx me), he can't remember I spoke to him Monday, thinks its weeks, mum doesn't help with that either. They had a fight over a pen or something, as they do, grr but hey, my dad rang me. That's rare. Mum (in the background) told him to tell me he he puts his own 'nappy' on at night now, which he did (she knows I hate them calling it nappies so tried to not bite), poor dads dementia - he's mums puppet, she wouldn't talk to me but to say bye. So over her crap. But guess I'm glad dad rang from his mobile. He usually can't remember how to use it 👍

Sorry, but if I have to go again, know I will always be glad I met you, those of you good to me here. You know who you are. And sorry i've been such a pain. Thanks again 💜

Lapses🌷🌿

Thank You @soul, @Faith-and-Hope 💜
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