You made me laugh too in the middle of a serious conversation ... I guess that is why peer to peer is often best.
You are much younger than I figured before .. I am 55.
If you have struggled since before 20 then that is a big credit to you .. to achieve your quals and responsible work.
I never actually had a thought of SH or SI before my sister's suicide ... she was 21 and I was 25. I knew of others' suicidal ideation eg through school friend and Link up and then my siblings told me about the stories of when they were in hospital.
The stork was a man who asked me to care for his baby while still in utero in a former girlfriend who was in Royal Park ... on our first date ... it was all very complicated. It was a couple of weeks before my sister died. My head was exploding .... both our houses were put up for sale ... and we had to find a new place ,,, we moved in together ... baby was born 3 months later ... Protective Services started visiting and assessing me as mother was pretty psychotic and immature though 20 years older than me at the time. I was full time carer for 16 years.
Coincidences ... timing . .. ??
Can you somehow "harness" the action/energy in motion of SH to self care ... like getting special lotion and essential oil and try and heal your skin ... something like that helped me stop biting my nails ... once for a while ... but it might be a start ... a deliberately self nourishing act