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Enter the 4th voice (again)

QueenieSenior Contributor12 May 2017, 8:21 pm AEST

Enter the 4th voice (again)

Hi gentle folks,

For the last few days I've been hearing voice #4 speaking to me yet again. It makes me depressed because it is this voice who tells me I am evil and that I should die and die immediately. All my voices are mean and derogatory to me, but it is this one in particular that seems to speak up right before and during psychotic breaks. It is like an auditory early warning sign. I'm scared to tell my gf because I don't want her to think I am going to ruin our big day in 3 weeks. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I can't do shut down mode because her kids are here for Mother's Day and besides, I don't want to draw attention to myself anyway.

They are all watching Split... I refuse to watch it because it is heavily stigmatising towards people with mental health issues, especially DID. So I am alone sitting writing this with music blasting in my ears trying to drown out both the movie and my voices. Maybe later, I'll let my gf know, but I seriously doubt it because I don't want her to jump to conclusions that I will be headed back to hospital for yet another lengthy stay. That doesn't always happen.

I am guessing my mental health cycle has sunk towards depression and psychosis again. I notice it seems to go on a cycle with a period of depression followed by psychosis thereafter. I noticed at the shopping centre the other day, I was getting commands from this voice #4 telling me to do some horrible things to other people. I'll let you know right now, I'd never do this and have no intention whatsoever on acting upon these commands. I am a pacifist at heart, so I really don't know where it all stems from.

I see my psychiatrist sometime next week I think, but I'm scared to mention voice #4. I try not to tell anyone about #4 at all. Asher is still the ringleader, don't get me wrong (Asher is the head male voice and while derogatory too, doesn't issue commands per se). #4 doesn't have a name that I know of, maybe he does and I just don't know it yet?

Anyway, I'll end this ramble here and if you got this far reading my post, thanks.

13 replies

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In response to: Enter the 4th voice (again)

Unknown userMember19 May 2017, 2:49 pm AEST

Re: Enter the 4th voice (again)

@Queenie Why don't you copy some of these posts and put them into a letter for your psychiatrist. I've just discipovered through reading my psych reports that they don't really have much of an idea of what is really going on for me either. I think the only place that really sees it is here and more recently my therapist. I've decided to document stuff more as it happens for my next appointment.

Maybe if your psych reads it they'll get a better understanding and follow up with you much sooner and address it.

Wishing you all the best. 🤗💜💐

In response to: Enter the 4th voice (again)

Unknown userMember19 May 2017, 3:04 pm AEST

Re: Enter the 4th voice (again)

@Queenie

Please don't say you're stupid. We've all been there. Whether we giggle, refuse to talk, cry too much to talk... we've all been there. I agree with @Former-Member go through your posts here and write the important things down, or, what I have done previously, I stopped going on the forum and just wrote letter after letter to my therapist and let hem read it or tell them the summary when I see them. It's perfectly normal to not be able to voice what's up.

Keep going and all the best x

In response to: Re: Enter the 4th voice (again)

QueenieSenior Contributor19 May 2017, 5:13 pm AEST

Re: Enter the 4th voice (again)

I think you both have offered some valuable advice @Former-Member and @Former-Member. I think I will write my psychiatrist a letter and email it to him or something. I don't necessarily want to have a break from forum land, but if it harms my wellbeing by not opening up in the future, I think I will have to too.

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