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14th year house bound

JacquesSenior Contributor14 May 2015, 10:54 am AEST

14th year house bound

Hi Everyone,

I am new hear, after being removed from other mental health forums for my depressive thoughts i thought i would give this forum a try, this is my story.

I am 33 live with my mother, i am almost compeatly housebound, i leave my house once in the morning for a walk at 6am and maybe once during the week, both times i leave the house fill me with great anxiety, i have no friends, (the last friend i had was in 2001), i have never had a job, never had a girlfriend and never been able to leave my parents side, my father died in 2001 and i have always suffered seperation anxiety the last time i had a night away from home was 1994 for one night (parents had to pick me up at midnight because i was so frantic).

I have spent most of the past 14 years in my room, or the shed, never much out of the yard, no one in my town knows me, people stare and ask each other behind my back if any one knows who i am.

I have only had an income for the past year and spend the previous 7 with no income at all, mum had to use all of her life savings to allow me to live with her and she now has nothing.

I only want to live long enough to care for her in her old age and then i plan to take my own life, i knew from an early age my life would turn out like this, but had no idea how horrible it would be, every day is the same, i often wonder why i keep going, i have very little contact with family (maybe once a year) and i am really struggling to keep going.

Please don't feel distressed about what i am saying, and i am so sorry if i have offended anyone, it is just how i feel.

Their is so much more, but i will leave it at that for the moment, i am shaking and the anxiety is kicking in so thankyou for reading and i will add more later.

Jacques

2719 replies

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In response to: 14th year house bound

NikNikSenior Contributor11 Sept 2015, 8:47 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Unfortunately Karen, I don't think the adjustment to your new place isn't going to happen straight away. But in saying that, don't lose hope. You're working on the place to reflect exactly what you want and this may help bring your a sense of familiarity and safety.

Do you have any items that help you feel safe (eg: a blanket, duvet, pillow) which you can have with you in the house?

In response to: 14th year house bound

JacquesSenior Contributor11 Sept 2015, 8:53 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

I Know how you feel Karen, it is so hard for me to tell people i can only be in my bedroom because i am too scared to leave it. Karen don't forget it is only a house at the moment, you will make it a home one day. just give it time.

When you feel low, go and sit in your 4X4 and look out over the river, look at the birds, refocus on why you bought the home, you sit near the river for a reason, it is peaceful.

Karen please don't feel ashamed, you have had a traumatic life, it will not be fixed over night, you need to find somewhere safe, and then slowly expand your "safe" area, you go for a walk when you go bush, try walking a little longer, sit in the car park at the shopping centre, stay in your car, i have found just by being in the car once a week in the car park, is helping me expand my safe zone.

i can't get out of the car for long when i do go out, but i am forcing myself to.

Karen you have nothing to be ashamed of, not many people have experianced what you have, you have had a real tough time over the past 24years, not many people would have coped.

Take each day as it comes, don't push yourself too hard.

In response to: 14th year house bound

PeppiPattySenior Contributor11 Sept 2015, 10:28 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Can I come by Karen @hiddenite and @Jacques ?
Would you like us to make you a yummy hot chocolate ?

In response to: Re: 14th year house bound

JacquesSenior Contributor11 Sept 2015, 11:39 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

yes please

In response to: Re: 14th year house bound

BubblyContributor12 Sept 2015, 8:14 am AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Hi Karen and everyone

Karen, it sounds like sitting around the fire and your car are safe places for you. I know that you have mentioned that being in the car is the only place you really feel safe. I am wondering whether there are any other settings, objects or activities that have made you feel safe in the past?

I think it is perfectly okay that you are feeling overwhelmed, and your feelings are completely valid. I can acknowledge that renovations while struggling with your mental health can be such a difficult but a brave thing to do.

We are all here for you,

Bubbly

In response to: 14th year house bound

JacquesSenior Contributor12 Sept 2015, 8:16 am AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata"

Karen, please let me know you are safe

Take Care, Be Safe my angel

Jacques

In response to: Re: 14th year house bound

hiddeniteSenior Contributor12 Sept 2015, 9:11 am AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Hi Jacques

I'm still here. Thank you for sharing it certainly interesting reading.

I hope you get some ppainting done today. That is if your wrist is ok.

Thinking of you

Hi Bubbly thanks.

There is no where else I feel safe or activities.

It seems the symptoms of the ptsd, anxiety, and depression just continue to get worse. I am so easily startled even going for a walk is challenging.

There is just no relief

Karen

In response to: Re: 14th year house bound

JacquesSenior Contributor12 Sept 2015, 9:26 am AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Hi my Angel,

It is so nice to see your writing.

You still sound unsafe, please be kind to yourself, i am with you, you are not alone.

i am mowing in a few minutes, and then spraying aphids on my new shrubs.

Karen i know how you feel, my anxiety is increasing too, and i jump at the smallest thing now. i think it is because we are pushing ourselves.

Karen go where you feel safe, their is no shame in that, safty is key, please call lifeline when you need it, i will have my phone with me all day i will check if you would like to talk through the day.

You are so special my angel

Jacques

In response to: Re: 14th year house bound

hiddeniteSenior Contributor12 Sept 2015, 10:05 am AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Jacques you know me to well.

Don't worry I won't bother you today. You know how it is I just shut down.

Hope you don't hurt you wrist by mowing.

Oh and good luck with the hay fever.

I can hear you sneezing already

In response to: 14th year house bound

JacquesSenior Contributor12 Sept 2015, 10:27 am AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Ah yes, the shutdown mode, I go into it regularly, try to rest, listen to music, Simon and Garfunkel.

Ha ha yes the hay fever has started, I am medicated up to the hilt with hay fever tablets.

My wrist is aching like you would not believe, if it continues I might have to get it checked, should not be taking so long to heal.

Karen I am so tired, I seem to have no energy lately, I am so frightened something is wrong with me, I just hope I can hold out until the house is finished.

My angel be kind d to yourself.

Jacques

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