14th year house bound

Dear Karen

Gently, gently, YOU can do it IF YOU want. We can all argue ouselves into holes if we really want to. We all have to emerge from fairy tale worlds and black and white thinking as part of adulthood.

You can see now that you are not the only mother who has struggled. Motherhood is enormous and nobody in the forum makes statements of such totality .. or if they do .. it is only their pain and anger about their own lives. As a mother do you have any understanding of your own mother's issues, and what is possible, over what is ideal, that can help you put things in a better perspective.

You know you have resources .. in your self and material things .. dont waste them.

One of the special things in life I have discovered is that WE are all special. Your girls sound too high functioning for me to accept that the report does not say some good things about them. I have seen a lot of hgh and poor functioning families now over the years. We do have to read between the lines. You do have choices and you do have support. We are batting for you.

Hi @hiddenite

I too agree with @Jacques

From what I see in your posts you are providing them;

- unconditional love

- safety (I love hearing about your tucking them in at night, watching scooby videos and reading stories)

- support (you are giving them the support through yourself and the professionals)

- kindness (eg: you made their WHOLE DANCE CLASS costumes - kids remember that stuff)

You did nothing to your children. Your husband did the damage. You say a mother is 'suppose to protect their children' and you did what you could at the time being in an EXTREMELY threatening environment. But during that time you still showed them unconditional love and support.

Which is a heck of a lot more than what your mother is doing for you right now.

You're a wonderful mum. You are not letting your mother influence your parenting style by taking on her bad habits. That, in itself, is an achievement.

She is doing more damange to you than you have ever done to your children.

Keep on going, @hiddenite

Thank you so much @Appleblossom and @NikNik, you two are mothers and you have better insight into this topic than me, @hiddenite is a wonderful mother, who has had a really tough time.

Hi @hiddenite

As you can see you have the full support here, who are challenging your feeling around being a bad mother.

It seems like you aren't in a place to take this on and things are escalating for you tonight - which is okay, but it's so important to talk to someone about how you're feeling who is better placed to manage your distress.

Please contact one of the following -

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or crisis online chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

I know you don't feel it right now, but I want to reiterate, you deserve help.

Karen my angel,

i think it is time you put the report down and join me beside the fire.

their are many lables they give all of us, Karen when i was abused at 8, for over a year, my parents did all they could but i was still abused, i do not blame them for what happened to be, i blame the nun who abused me.

Karen ifrom the symptoms i read they all over lap with anxiety and depression, just variations of the same thing, their are many children that suffer from anxiety and depression, i suffered both of these from the age of 4, and my parents never seeked out help for me, I DO NOT BLAME THEM!!!!

please stay safe my angel, i hope you manage to get through the night ok.

always thinking of you

jacques

They are a lot of big words. Dont let them overwhelm your bigger heart @hiddenite.

I worked (volunteer) in family therapy on Bell St for 4 years and in Vinnies 7 years .. It is not true and never been true, that mothers have full control of every aspect of a child's life .. It is just not possible to stand guard 24/7 for 21 years. Whilst standing guard also dishing up food and making special feast days etc.

Your girls have heaps of strong qualities and will also have to do their own emotional work .. we dont do them favours by taking their responsibility away from them ..

6 and 9 can be quite resilient espeically with YOU around to care for them. The hyperarousal might make one a good sportsperson or performer in the arts .. it is typical in type A personalities .. we dont know how the lives of our kids will turn out.. it could make them exceptional women. I am upset about my girls too but I do know they are both very strong gorgeous and exceptional women.

Do you like the Prophet .. and his poem about our children being life's longing for itself ..

we do have to take stock .. you are doing that .. and you will have a haven near the river where you will be able to lick your wounds and their wounds and be a proud lioness mum .. who can rest sometimes too. Believe me they are not that badly damaged .. they are alive and kicking and singing and dancing.

I feel guilt and shame about many things too .. but it actually does not help in the slightest .. take stock be reasonable about your expectations on you.

What's happening with the girls this morning? are they playing? Is it a nice enough day to go for a walk with them and explore the world? Plan something fun for the afternoon 🙂 My two love making cupcakes on the weekend if we cant go out, and on Sunday's we go to the library.

hugs,

LJ