14th year house bound

Good Morning Karen,

I know you are doing it really tough, i do hope you get a break today form the meetings.

Well it is a nice sunny day here today, the Mag pies are singing, the cattle are resting under the tree, the chooks are cscratching around for worms and the sheep are getting into mischeif, i am having a quiet morning, i did't sleep well, but i am going to try and wash the floors vacumne and maybe wash the car.

My thoughts are with you my angel, you are stronger than you know, remember dreams don't have to be big, just dream.

Big hugs

Jacques

Hi Jacques it's been a very low day for me. I had a class to go to. Became really triggered.

The girls came for another visit. They were really full on. To be expected I suppose.

can't shake the feeling that something really bad is going to happen.

I hope you got the work done today.

Thinking of you

Karen

The only dream I have is one day meeting my best friend.

Thank you for telling me about the animals.

Hi My angel,

I am sorry you are feeling low, maybe way to much for you to do in their, they are pushing you a bit to much.

I think they should understand how triggering men are for you, they should know how scared you are of men, i am so proud of you though Karen, to be able to walk into those classes takes emence courage, you should be at least proud of that.

Oh the poor little things, they must be so scared and confused, at least you got to spend some time with them, maybe when you get home a little treat for you and the girls is in order. something special.

I have that feeling lately too Karen, i think it comes from the hightened anxiety, the feeling of impending doom, i feel so scared all the time now, and i don't know why, i think your hightened because of the hospital stay.

Well i got the house work done and the care washed, and had to go to mum's friend to help them setup a car entertainment system, i did not want to do it, but i felt obliged to.

Had the dreaded afternoon out and just got home, so have a panic attack now, i am hoping it settles by 10 or 11 tonight.

My angel you have been in my thoughts all day, you are doing well Karen, i would not be able to cope with what you have managed to do in hospital, i wish i was as strong as you Karen, you are amazing.

Hey, i thought i was your best friend? oh well i hope one day you meet your best friend too, oh no, wait a minute, YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT ME !!!

Of course I'm talking about you!!!

You are my ray of light in my dark and scary existence.

I'm glad you got everything done.today. and even helped someone.

That's what they keep telling us to do is to do something nice for someone without expecting anything in return. It's supposed to be healthy for you. I think they miss the anxiety part.

Remember your breathing Jacques. Have you had a hot shower yet?

I'm here if you need to talk.

Jacques I'm worried about you. I hope you can be kind to yourself you've had a big day.

Have you been outside to look at the stars they must be wonderful.Remember to breathe.

I miss being outside, I miss the Bush, the animals and the river.

Please look after yourself

Thinking of you my friend

lol, i was just being silly, i hope you gave a little smile?

Oh Karen that is so beautiful, you are too kind.

Oh yes, i struggle to do nice things, but i really do try, especially for you my angel, we have known each other for so long now.

i try to do nice things, but my anxiety stops me, i would like to ehlp people with their shopping bags, or the elderly, but i get scared and walk away, i feel so much shame for it.

I have had a nice shower, and am trying some deep breaths, struggling though, i am very adgitated tonight which does not help.

Oh Karen, you are too nice to me, you have your own worries, i don't want to give you more to stress about

Oh Karen, can't you go outside? is their no court yard or something?

I am trying to be kind Karen, but i am struggling.

Oh Karen i know, you are such a free spirit, you love the out doors, i know from your writing, well just think your one dream will be a reality soon, you will be back home and be able to go bush, keep that as your short term goal, it is only small but remember even the small things make us happy.

I am worried about you too Karen, i so wish their was more i could do to help, i would love to be their in person to support you, i would visit every day if i could.

Karen hold onto that dream, we will meet one day, it will be glorious, it will be the happiest day of my life if it happened.

Oh Jacques I truly understand what it's like not being able to help a stranger when I'm out. I feel so much shame.

No I'm not allowed outside I'm a safety risk. There is a small courtyard but that's where all the smokers go and that's a trigger. Especially all the men are there so I stay away.

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I wish I could be with you holding your hand so you are not alone,and that I will look after you. And be there watching over you.

Big hugs Jacques