14th year house bound

Hi Jacques thanks for the support last night, it's been really difficult.

How have you been?

What are you working on this week?

It's cool and showers.

I'm embarrassed that I'm at the house I can't go in so I'm just sitting in the car. I think I've hit a new low. I'm so pathetic.

I don't even know i cant go in.

Gosh I'm just no use to anyone.

I don't know how I'm going to manage being in hospital, not having my safe place where I can isolate.

Thinking of you j

Karen

hi my angel, i know you are doing it really tough, i wish their where more i could do. i am shaking so bad today, mum is shocked at how visable it is, i struggled to eat lunch.

i am struggling too my angel, the anxiety, the depression the hoplessness of my life.

well i am respraying the engine block of the motobike and putting up shade sails for the car. and some yard work.

it is hot here and full sun.

Karen don't feel ebbarrassed, i used to cry when i had to come back here, i hated this place so much, i still think this house triggers my anxiety.

give it time Karen, you are under a lot of stress, i am sure everything is a blur today for you.

Karen i am going to support you every day you are in their you will not be alone.

Karen just allow youe mind and body do as they wish today, if you can't go in, just feel at peace in the car, remember dreams and actions don't need to be big.

thinking of you always my angel

Jacques I'm so sorry you are struggling so much today. The shaking makes it so difficult to do the smallest things. I'm glad you are still working on your bike and in the garden.

Thanks for reminding me that dreams and actions don't have to be big. That's kind of like telling someone to accept the shaking the harder you try to stop it the more you shake.

Things we both need to remember.

I hope a hot shower brings you some relief.

Thinking of you my friend.

Big hugs

Karen

Thank you my angel,

yes i am really trying today, i di not sleep this afternoon, i am trying to stay awake, but it was so hard, i am so exhausted now, i am going to make dinner and sit and rest, i hope we can talk toniht, i would like that very much if you are up to it.

i am still shaking pretty bad, it has not lasted this long before, it has been almost 5 hours now without slowing down.

you are right my angel, sometimes we need each other to tell us the simple things, it is so easy to forget when we are distressed to rmember the small things.

i am going to have tea before i have a shower, so i am hoping i can calm down, i just bought today 300 sandlewood insense sticks, so hoping they help too.

Karen you are doing well, i can't believe how you are handling this, i would be a wreck, i would be at the point now of a constant full blown panic attack. i do hope i am able to help you deal with all this.

big hugs to you too my angel. sorry if my spelling is bad it is the shaking.

jacques

Oh light a sandalwood insense stick for me j.

I bought sandalwood soap today, and I just had a lovely hot shower. I smell shook good.

I love talking to you Jacques.

Hope you enjoy your shower

Karen i have so many insense sticks, i have already lit one for you, everytime i light one now i will think of you my angel.

Oh my, i bet it smells amazing, it is good you treat yourself to such nice things, these are the small things i am talking about, i bet it brings a little smile to your face too.

I Love talking to you too Karen, i can talk for hours to you and feel at ease, when i had friends i was always stressed or anxious, but with you, i am at peace, i feel like i am talking to a kindrid spirit, someone who understands and enjoys my company, and i feel this way about you too Karen.

I enjoyed my shower, i have just finished my last coffee for the day and am about to get onto my 5th bottle of water. it is a beautiful pink sky here, it is so beautiful, the animals are settling down for the night, and the smell of fresh cut lawns is so awesome, the frogs are just starting to sing.

Karen, as i have said before, you are my world now, i have no one else, i have had more contact with you than all my family combined, to me you are beautiful, amazing, strong, gentle and caring.

Thanks Jacques that's so beautiful.

I have never had a best friend so you are my first. It's weird I can tell you anything j and know you will understand me and not judge. I have so much trouble talking to others here because I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing or upset someone.

You have been here for me and I appreciate everything you have done for me.

It's still raining here and it's about 10 degrees.

The girls are really cranky tonight. They have both been in tears, I think they are sensing something is going on.

Im certainly not looking forward to telling them tomorrow.

J I'm glad I can support you it's a privilege knowing you

Karen you can never say the wrong thing to me or upset me, i am here for you no matter what, i will always be by your side, good times and bad. Always

Oh Karen, rain again, you must be getting sick of it, the 10 degrees sounds nice, 32 here at the moment, i have the AC going flat out.

Karen of course the girls can sense something, their is a special bond between mother and daughter, their will be some things you will never be able to hide from them. tomottow will be very difficult, all you can do is hug them tell them you love them and spend as much time with them as possible, i will understand if you are not on tomorrow when you tell them, please make sure you spend these few days with them, show your love and care for them. in time Karen they will understand what you are going through.

They are like you i would say scared and confused, all you can do is make them feel comfort knowing you are getting some help.

Karen, you have literally saved my life on several occasions, sometimes i wonderif i would be here if it was not for your care and support.

I'm so glad that you are walking beside me you are such a genital giant. You sure do challenge my idea that all men are to be feared. You are the kindest person I know.

Wow you won't need your sleeping bag tonight. I didn't realise it so warm where you are. Certainly different from Melbourne.

How's the shaking j ? Has it eased up since your shower.

What are you up to tonight?

I used to burn insense everyday but mum won't let me here. I do miss it.

I might get some and burn at the house while I'm there.

Thank you my angel, but i do realise i am not like other men, the more i read and see how men treat women, i am really disgusted at men in general. i am reading a book at the moment, about sexual and physical violence toward women and girls through religion, it breaks my heart to see so many families distroyed for men's ego.

Well Karen, believe it or not, by 9pm it gets quite cold here, hot days cold nights, like the desert. oh yes, i can't believe you are down to 10 degrees, wow Australia is diverse.

The shaking is slowing, thank god, but i am still down, i have a sense of impending doom, i don't know why, maybe because i am exhausted lately.

OOOOh Karen that will be nice, it wil fill you and the house with positive energy, insense does calm me down, i don't know why