14th year house bound

omg you too, it is aweful isn't it, i too get it driving, it takes any fun out of driving.

I would be so happy to show you around one day. just a dream, a nice one though.

yes mum and i like watching the animals while we have lunch. it is so nice. i struggle with the crowds though.

oh that is not good they are not well, yes well i lost all my grandparents by the age of 9 so i never really remember what it is like to have grandparents.

oh yes, christmas last year has ruined me, i have not been the same since, i am so anxious now, i have bad depression too because of it

Im still so sorry that I couldn't be with you over Christmas I was so distressed, I broke my promise to you.

Yes it really does take the fun out of driving, so does the panic attacks

I'm just happy to know a little more about you Jacques

At least there are a lot of distractions at the zoo.

Karen please don't be sorry, it was not your fault, you did thebest you could, it would not have changed the outcome anyway.

yes, i find it so emotionally drainning going oiut driving, so frightened

I am so happy you know a little more too, we are best friends and i wish i could share more. maybe one day

Oh my yes, plenty of destractions, their as a baby rhino born at the zoo last week, he/she is a little cutie

I really hope that you have a quiet Christmas this year.

Every time we talk a feel closer to you.

What are you up to tonight Jacques.

The girls are watching shriek.

They even got to plant some tomatoes and strawberries,in their vegie garden today.

oh yes, we where invited back to the same place, my uncles place, but mum said no because of the damage it did to me.

i feel like you are my sister or something, i feel like you are my family Karen, i could tell you anything.

tonight i am going to watch wallander, it is a tv series.

and talk to my best friend of course.

OMG Karen i love shreik i have seen them all, they are the best films ever.

wow strawberries and tomatoes, i hope the birds don't eat them before they do

You sound much better tonight my angel, how are you going?

I'm ok just trying to distract and stay in the present.

Oh and finding out new things about my best friend.

I'm so glad your mum realises that emotionally you are unable to make that trip again. Hopefully just a quiet time. I'm sure you can cook up a lovely roast with vegetables. Maybe even a desert.

Monday I will hear from my treating team to tell me when they have a bed. Not looking forward to that call.

Good Girl Karen, i am glad you are doing all the things you need to be safe.

Oh yes my angel, i do hope i am not as boring as i think i am i have learned all i need to know about my best friend, she is a loving mother, a doting friend, and a caring, kind soul. That is all i need to know.

Yes, mum has realised what i knew all along, i am in a prison of my own making, in my mind and in my physical being, i am trapped, but make the best of the situation.

Oh yes, i am planning a pavelova, a triffle, a fruit salad, a roast chicken, pork and ham, with home made potatoe salad, rice salad and pasta salad. I always cook 2 days before, it is a real feast. i have done this most years.

I can't wait to put up the christmas tree and decorations in 3 weeks time. mum and i are not into presents, we much prefer a big feast, so no pressies for us just good food and a quiet day.

Oh my angel, i will be here for you on monday to support you, you are strong and i will support you through it all.

Hi Jacques,

I just have to say that your planned christmas feast sounds DELICIOUS!

It's been a prompt for me to think about the small and personal ways in which I'd like to celebrate and what nourishing food I'd like to cook.

Hi Jacques

Sounds like you put alot of effort into your Christmas dinner what a wonderful son you are.

J you could never be boring to me....

Monday is not going to be great I think I'm going to go Bush where I don't have any phone reception.

For my treating team not to have any hope that I will get better, to tell me that I could still be like this in my 70s, just reinforced that I'm too damaged to be fixed.

Hope your feeling okJacques and that you managed some sleep

Hi My Angel,

Well i don't know about a lot of effort, but we do manage a nice christmas on our own, i think it is for mum and i just a celebration we have made it through another year, for mum financially and for me emotionally.

Oh my angel, you could tell them if they feel you can't be helped then their is no point going back to the MHU, maybe just working on the flashbacks may be more useful with the psychologist?

Karen, i know i am going to have seperation anxiety for the rest of my life, it is a fact, Mum is teaching me not to fight it but accept it and make home as nice as possible and enjoy the little things, let the big things go.

That is how i am trying to cope with things now, i know i will never get a job, i know i will never meet a girl. I now just focus on the wildlife, the garden and the house, this 1/4 acher is going to be the only world i know.

Do you think that may be possible Karen? to let go of your bigger life plans and accept things as they are and make the best of it? I know how hard it is to let go, i struggle often with it, but you have so much that you could look forward to in life, you have your own piece of paradise, 2 beautiful daughters.

I do hope one day you do get better, rmrmber they are making advances in PTSD, depression and ancxiety all the time, so their is always hope of getting better, i get flash backs too, but after 14 years, they are still their but not as strong as they once where. please Karen, just give it time.