Terrified in mental health system proper for first time

Hello everyone,

Long time no chat. I've thought of you all often, and have tried to write a few times, but didn't get there, if you know what I mean. So..... Long story very short, because let's face it, a long ramble of mine is most likely boring and besides that I have no energy!

I stopped writing on here because I entered a very bad place. no, I was not, and have not, been hospitalised. Yes, I know I should be. My psychologist on Monday just gone sent me to the triage of a rural mental health area in the hospital after our session with a letter to get me seen by a psych nurse etc. This took so much courage for me to do. I was a blibbering mess. The next day I saw a Psychiatrist, who on top of an ant-dep that I take already at maximum dose, put me on an ant-psychotic. He's put me on a strong dose from the start. That night I was a mess and called their contact number and got through to a psych nurse. I was basically just wanting someone to tell me not to hurt myself, but this lead to her threatening (it felt) to call emergency services because I have a son and we were alone (he was sleeping). I was not going to end my life, but I did want to hurt myself, and there is a difference. To get to the point, I got off the phone so much more anxious, feeling cornered and trapped and scared that she would call 000 that I did hurt myself. I did this in a different way, again I am unsure I can say how, and it brought such peace. I saw another psych nurse the next day and was honest with her when she asked, mainly because I'm a terrible liar, but also because deep down I know this is surely not normal. However, I feel I'm now stuck in this sticky web of the mental health services that so far I have avoided, and I fear it. I have had a nurse call me every day, I see a nurse Monday and a different Psychiatrist Friday, and I just want to rewind time and not be 'on the radar' again, in a way, safer to be how I want, as I fear now I can't be. I appreciate I may not be making sense.

I have written because I know that I should reconnect with those that I can, in whatever form. Two friends know I'm depressed, but not that I've hurt myself. And now you. I'm trying to boost the mustard seed sized me that wants to get through this, but I am really struggling.

Someone once said that depression is like "a funeral in my head", I totally get that as I'm sure a lot of you do. I hope ou are okay and staying safe. Hold on to your mustard seed. thanks for your time.

Whim