Terrified in mental health system proper for first time

Dear Whim,

You certainly have been through some terrible times lately. I do hope that things will improve for you.

There is no necesity to fear the mental health system. They can look after you in a way you can't look after yourself. They are all professionals wth a wealth of knowledge and expeience, and you can use that to help yourself get better.

I am 63 years old and have had Bi-polar disorder for 47 years. I see a psychiatrist, and I have been in hospital about 10times. I have had all there wonderful people looking after me so I have managed to lead a near-normal life with 4 children. Please accept the help you are offered. You have nothing to fear from dealing with people who are experienced and on your side. Take the help when it is offered. Your life will be the better for it. Ellu

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@Whim

Hope you are feeling better today, I totally understand about the MH system. Apart from seeing my GP and in the past seeing pyschologists I havent really had anything to do with the MH system until last year when for the first time in my life (having BPD since a teenager and now I'm 50) I felt exactly like you terrified that I would do something to myself or someone else through frustration but no real desire to die just for all the pain to go away. I went to the hospital ED and was treated so badly by a horrible MH nurse (who was my DBT teacher as well) that I got sent away in a total disassociative state I dont remember how I drove or got home. I actually put in a complaint but now I have vowed to myself that no matter how ill I feel I wont go to the ED they just made things considerably worse for me.

Like @Kurra said just try to slowly ease your way out of it.

If you have a tendancy to SH not sure if you have BPD like me but some of the strategies they told us to do if you feel like self harming is like having a cold shower, or hold ice cubes in your hands until you cant take the burning feeling anymore. I have tried these and they do help, one time I was freaking out inside myself and bad rage at a shopping centre as I was going back to the car it poured down and I got saturated and freezing cold. I noticed driving home that I was so cold and shivering that I stopped freaking out and raging - being cold and wet definitely helped vent that feeling. Its not enjoyable as its not meant to but it can take the place of SH.

Take care

Dear Ellu

Thanks for your reply. I did read it the next day but haven't felt able to come on to the site until now.

Thanks for your sharing, and your advice. I know that you are right. I went to my psych nurse apt today as planned and it was better than the last. They have altered my ant-dep dose due to extreme nausea. I'm working on taking the anti-psychotic. So far so good.

I hope you and yours are going well. gosh, 4 children! I can't imagine!

Whim 🙂

Hi @CheerBear

Thanks for your response. It's taken me a while to get back, even though I read your kind response the next day. I hope the tangle you feel you are in loosens it's tangledness to a level that is okay for you and still helpful and right, but as you say, deep down we know that sometimes the discomfort is necessary.... if I read you right.

I'm doing the one foot in front of the next thing. I saw the psych nurse again today and it went better. I see a different psychiatrist Friday. I have to call in Wednesday, and I will. I'm working with mental blocking techniques etc, which can help.

I hope you are okay, and thanks again for reaching out.

Whim 🙂

Hi @Former-Member

It's taken me a long time to reply. Firstly, and I mean this, Thank You for your response. It shows that you care. You took the time to sit down and respond to a stranger. I'm so sorry to hear that you had a bad night the same night I wrote. It's obvious that you, as many of us, have your rollercoaster with all shades of light and dark, and a history that cries out as it pulls the mental puppet strings, if you know what I mean.

I have struggled with two things. I don't know the rules of this forum, but I wonder about the power of suggesting to someone in a highly vulnerable state that they have a particular diagnosis such as BPD or as you put it CPTSD, which by the way I think is a very clever and insightful idea. Maybe it should be put to the board for the next DSM!.I have never said anything about BPD/CPTSD, and it has worried me about the power of words etc, especially when there is no professional background to, well, back it up. PLEASE don't think I'm having a go at you, I just am putting it out there as something to consider. For us all to consider.

The most bothersome thing to me, and to be honest, more than bothersome, was suggesting that 'it must be so terrifying for your kid living in such an unstable environment'. I suppose my Mother Lion came out. I feed, dress, work with, take to karate, do swimming lessons etc, the washing is done, and so are the dishes. He ate 3 veg and fish tonight. Yes, maybe my boy knows Mummy is 'flatter than normal' but I would never do anything to him, or hurt myself so that he would be in emotional or physical danger. I can put up a front for him. It's exhausting, but I do it.

I really don't want you to take this badly. You had good intentions. I also know that my mind has possibly taken this to a place and skewed it beyond belief and you are totally puzzled by my response.

I genuinely hope that you are travelling okay, hell, let's even say REALLY WELL! And a genuine thanks again for your intentions,

Whim 🙂

Hi @Kurra

It's so nice to reconnect with you. Thanks so much for writing.

Things are still terribly hard. But, as you put it so well, I am indeed riding along with the system for the meantime. I met with the psych nurse again today, which went better. I'm well aware that this episode, if you can call it that, cos it's just a much more shit form of shit really (!), is different, with different symptoms etc, and I'm wracking my puzzle pieces falling out of the box brain to find out why.

I hope all is well with you. I actually had this much longer message planned, but suddenly someone seems to have poured cement into my brain and I'm exhausted!

I hope your day at work went well, and that you are going okay.

Bye for now,

Whim 🙂