My Hospital Stay

Part 3
Last Monday
Not too sure how I feel about leaving in Friday.
I am tired of the perfumes and the yucky food and the rules.
But then I'm scared of doing what I've always done - nothing. Going back to that same pattern if doing nothing and being self destructive. Of messing up my relationship with my son further. Of getting SI thoughts again. Of never getting better.
Fear. Why do we learn to fear the future?
When did we stop living day by day? When did life become so hard?

Hi @utopia, it does all tend to spiral down. We have to slowly get better by starting with one little achievement a day, and building on that.

All I seem good at today is feeding myself, and I'm probably not even doing that right re weight). Hang on, I washed & hung some blankets.

But I hear you too. To be honest, I think its the first time I've seen you facing the 'real' issues, your true values, and getting back in touch with what you want. This can be a good foundation for you to remake yourself.

I love JK Rowling's saying
"Rockbottom became the strongest foundations on which I rebuilt my life"

This can be your rockbottom foundation to build recovery processes and a healthy life worth living. You can do this, one small step at a time. My time is almost done but there's still hope for you. One day at a time.

People will sense your progress and slowly come back into your life again.

Spend some time in nature.

Holding you in the light 💜🌿

Great advice methinks @Former-Member ......

❤️💕 @utopia

Part 3
Day 20 - Tuesday.
I'm so bloody irritated today. People are irritating me. Situations and places are irritating me. And there does not appear to be a PRN medication for Irritation.
Haven't spoken to my psychiatrist since Thursday - re: my mental health. (Spoke on Friday for 2 minutes on my echo test).
Anti Depressant doesn't appear to be working. Only 2 more days to attend groups and there are no 'AHA moments'.
Get sick and tired hearing in groups - how we need to utalise the services available to us. Eg;the hospitals day program. I live 2 & 1/2 hrs away.
The CAT Service. I worked for them & niw have MI & I'm suing them.
Outreach Worker. Need approval from WorkCover. That will be a fight.
Your psychiatrist. I won't have one when i leave here on Friday. She's just filling in - while I'm in hospital.
My Psycholigist. I have booked the first available appointment. 20th of July.
I can't access what others can. I feel like I'm going to be left on my own again. Then I fear failing.
And all I want to do is scream and rant and have a bourbon.
I'm so tired. I don't have 'hope'. I'm going to sleep.

Hugs n hugs @utopia ..... ❤️💕💐

Part 3
Day 21 - Wednesday
Come into the smokers courtyard to find, yet again, someone burning insence. They all know I'm chemically sensitive - especially with perfume type smells.
Everyone wears perfume or smelly deodorantsor aaftershave. Have had to put a sign on my door saying - no chemicals or perfumes. Just means the cleaners don't bother to clean my room - bathroom. Because obviously the concept of just wiping the sink etc over with a cloth not soaked in chemicals - is too strange a thought for the cleaners to comprehend.
The only positive thing I can see about going home, is not having to be exposed to perfumes or chemicals. (Yes I'm aware of the chemicals in cigarettes).

Part 3
Day 21ish - Wednesday.
So I get an email from the other private hospital I was at - with the Old Bugger. I'm thinking "yes. Finally they are checking up on me - on my welfare".
Nope. Client satisfaction survey. Lol. (Only laughing now because I've already done the crying). Good thing. I finally faxed off my 6 page complaint letter to the General Manager of that private hospital. So. Done and dusted.
Finally saw my psychiatrist tonight - for an hr. I cried about everything. Explained my lack of access to services etc - where I live and due tothe health nenetwork being my ex employer.She has told me to use lifeline and other sservices - when I need. To reach out to another gp at the doctors when my doctor is away.
She is putting in a request to find me a new and permanent psychiatrist that I can see in Melbourne and hopefully Skype sometimes.
She explained that there is no pill to help me deal with WorkCover and Centrelink (just found out Centrelink have rejected my 2nd monthly medical certificate exemption). Aaarrrggghhh!!!
My psychiatrist tonight told me to keep using my humour to push through these high stress times and to rebuild my resistance to these stresses.
She also told me the best news:
The Old Bugger is no longer practicing at the other private clinic. He is not allowed. So there are no hospitals that he can work in now. And he's not allowed to take on any new patients privately. YAY!!!!!
Sounds like the complaint to that clinic and to the psychiatrists board, from the professor at the public hospital - has done the trick.
So that's a huge relief. He can't do to anyone else what he did to me.
So I'm going home on Friday. Nervous, fearful. But with a bit more hope than I had earlier today.
This journey may just end up with me getting stronger and better. ♡♡♡