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Out of my mind and alone

EmbalynroseCasual Contributor09 May 2015, 10:05 pm AEST

Out of my mind and alone

I have never used a forum so please forgive me if I stuff this up.

I had no idea where to post this I barely even know what to say it seems everytome I ask for help everyone is saying there is nothing wrong and I'm so frustrated how can someone tell me there is nothing wrong with me if they cannot feel what I feel.
I'm a carer now apparently. To a man who has Aspergers was the first diagnosis now they are arguing amongst themselves that it's bpd. I love him or loved him not sure which I am only twenty four with a horrible family and friend network I have three children 5yrs 3yrs and a sux month old the youngest is my current partners child. Even though he is 27 you would think he was the same as my three year old who also by the way suffers adhd and autism.

Then there is me taking care of all these people I apparently have adhd which everyone including community mental health tells me is not a mental illness and as an adult it is a choice. Severe anxiety when not breast feeding moderate depression and a possible bpd diognosis which I'm reassured the label is irrelevant.

I have rung access line been to councillors and Drs and a psychologist and keep getting told well logically you know what you should be doing so just do it before promptly telling me they have actual patients to deal with. So I feel like I can never get help and I'm all alone taking care of four children who I may love but hurts me every day suffocates me everyday by this fact that I give and give and give they take and take as children do I know my partner shouldn't but I keep getting told he needs me by his services I have to take care of him oh he loves me so much they couldn't keep him more then two days in hospital after suicide attempt because he panicked.
Meanwhile here I am unable to make decision living in aessy house with no idea why I can't clean it myself is split into three people my emotionally my logical my physical and they are all fighting and screaming at each other and its so loud meanwhile I'm finding myself hating myself more and more everyday mumbling hate speeches to myself I can't seem to stop I would not commit suicide or physically endanger myself as I live my children and I will not ever out them three that just because I'm selfish and weak.
I just don't know how to cope any more especially when according to every mental health professional I have the answers and should be able to fix it and get right back to caring for everyone else.
Not to mention my partner and I have the stupidest relationship he and I struggle to be intimate as he just wants to sleep. He wakes up every morning with kids then at 9 am goes back to bed while I do everything then gets on computer until I make him shower and put clothes on for work then I drive him to work after giving him set amount of money for lunch (he does night fill) then I have to wait up after putting all kids to bed until midnight when he knocks off to talk to him about his job until he gets home where he gets on the computer and plays until. 2 or three comes to bed and falls asleep even when he is awake he is falling asleep unless he has computer or work and he is happy and I'm alone give giving and feeling ugly useless and unloved my parents neglected ms my whole life my extended family knew and have told me but also don't help my boyfriends until this one all cheated and left and all my friends hate me and leave after they take everything I can give so I feel like I was never ment to be loved I mean no one has so far except my children no one has ever taken care of me or helpedme so that must be my mission to give but to never know what it's like to get.

I'm sorry this is very long I don't even know what I'm doing

7 replies

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In response to: Out of my mind and alone

SimpleAsThisSenior Contributor10 May 2015, 3:22 am AEST

Re: Out of my mind and alone

@Embalynrose

"IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE, THEN YOU ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT"

I know exactly how you are feeling (alone and out of your mind), and I know how hopeless and depairing everything may seem to be from where you are standing. I've only just come from a place like that and it wasn't/isn't easy, be careful as an abyss of insanity is where it will lead you if you don't do something about the path you're taking. Ever heard someone say, "A change is as good as a holiday.."?

Albiet easier said than done every time - sometimes you just have to walk away. We settle for the love we THINK we deserve, selling yourself short and SETTLING for less. You deserve so much more - not only from a person who supposedly 'loves' you, but from LIFE in general. I know with children involved its a bit tricky, but after conflict comes resolution. And I believe everything happens for a reason and everything will be alright in the end.

You deserve to feel LOVED; safe; APPRECIATED; respected; HAPPY; equal; HOPEFUL; positive; freedom; LIBERATED; important; WORTHY; beautiful and I could go on....

Check out - BEN HARPER - "walk away" & "please bleed" (songs to show your strength)

I've got nothing but love for you 🙂

In response to: Out of my mind and alone

Unknown userMember10 May 2015, 2:34 pm AEST

Re: Out of my mind and alone

Hi @Embalynrose,

I'm so glad that you've been able to write that and hopefully letting it out has helped a bit - even though i know it doesnt fix or solve the issues. Sometimes though at least letting out gives me some relief for a bit. I am hearing you and listening to how frustrated and lonely life seems at the moment. There doesnt seem to be mental health people who are taking you seriously and being a carer for an adult partner must be very exhausitng in itself.

I know how hard it is to reach our when you have been rebuffed. I was told by a social worker counsellor after i left a violent relationship that because i was working i must be fine and didnt need any services/counselling. It felt like she just didnt see or hear how hurt and isolated i was. And it was a long time before i reached out again. But try not to give up on reaching out. I was lucky to find a psychologist who was kind enough to take the time to get to know me and i've finally started to trust her more, i think... mostly! I would encourage you to look for other options in regards to counsellors/psychologists/GP if you can until you find someone who you feel takes the time to listen. I know that's easier said than done.

I dont have any contact with any of my family and very few friends so I get how that feels and am a single mamma to two busy bee children. When things are getting so hard and on top of you I think its normal to feel so tired and frustrated that you dont want to clean and the children just seem like so much work you dont even enjoy being a mum anymore. I've been there (there are days when its still like that, especially right now for me too). I felt so guilty for so long about feeling like that about my kids, but I know how deeply i love and adore them and that it's not them, just the abnormal situations that i've been through and that I am working really hard to be a good mum. Its not a magic button fix, but we mums have good reason to fight to be better.

People here will listen, and care. I hope that some of this ramble has made sense and helped, and hope that you are able to come and write some more, lots of people are going thorugh similar things and you are definitely not alone,

Take care today,

In response to: Out of my mind and alone

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor10 May 2015, 8:43 pm AEST

Re: Out of my mind and alone

Welcome @Embalynrose
It takes guts to jump online and share your story so I hope you are giving yourself a hi5 for not staying silent..
Parenting can be very emotionally tiring at times, and parenting a partner well that makes it ten times more so.
One thing though I have learned through my life, is that I have to take care of me, it is up to me to figure out what my needs were that help keep me well.
Then I learned to negotiate with the important people in my life about what keeps me well and why I need to put myself first at times..so much better than falling into the abyss of not being well..
So I am wondering how do you care for you? Do you have a time of day, week or month that you can enjoy some time for you?
And what things make you feel cared for?
Mine include getting my haircut (not very often but it feels luxurious to be flipping through hair styles 🙂 )
I love to watch Antique Shows, at least once a week and my family can complain if they like, but a cuppa and any Antique show or American Pickers..takes my mind off the immediate and I just can't describe it..
Does not his make sense to you? I remember reading a newsreader saying she could make a cuppa last an hour, and would drink cold tea, as her mum had taught her "I will come and play, answer your question, help with homework, go for a walk.., Once I have finished my cuppa"
What a great idea for teaching those close to us how to wait their turn!!

In response to: Out of my mind and alone

EmbalynroseCasual Contributor10 May 2015, 9:41 pm AEST

Re: Out of my mind and alone

Thanks everyone for your replies. 😊

My partner struggles so much when I get upset he feels guilty and gets angry and frustrating then I feel worse. He is trying he is just no capable. I would not want to loose him for anything for many reasons even though it seems silly to choose some one to not be alone. Before he came along it was me and my two sons that's it. No friends no family. No one ever called or visited my mother lived across the road I never seen her in my time living alone my brother came when he was high as a kite on speed and God knows what having a pyscoctic episode (he suffers from schitzafective however it's spelt) when he passed out for a second I left my kids ran across the road to get help off my mother who was sleep (like my whole life as she suffers major depressive) and told me was not her problem. Wouldn't even let me use her phone to call police or ambulance. I couldn't do so at my place as he had taken all phones after chocking me claiming I was going to get him locked up etc. Eventually I got on Facebook and messaged a friend of his who came and got him. Then I was alone.
Long point is other then that in twelve months no one person would take my phone calls would visit I had no one in the world truly alone in this world is frightening and children cannot fulfil 100% of my social needs and I refuse to put that on them. So my partner is my adult company even if he is like a child.
A worker suggested the other day to think of him like a dementia patient. Moment of lucidity amongst confusion and that I cannot make him "lucid" when he is unable. At the same time he has moments of brilliance where he shines as this beautiful intelligent caring person with an amazing sense of humor I try to look forward to the moments where he is actually this man they just get far and few between and lost to my anger resentment and low self esteem. I have been struggling to remind myself he is sick it's not his fault it's not my fault but when things happen like no sex after 2 months then he promtly falls asleep during foreplay you kinda get that stupid voice in your head saying horrible things about yourself.
I try to have time to myself I get 1/2 hour singing lesson once a week but lately that makes me feel worse as my singing teacher wants me to do something with my singing like talent quests or singing in pubs etc but I never would have time to do it.
I knit and crochet a lot of a night while watching tv to occupie my mind but as soon as it's not hard my head gets loud again.

I have my own mental illness I always had this week was the first time I can clearly express how it feels. Three parts of my brain emotional rational and physical all having constant arguments with one another the less I'm doing the louder they get and the harder it is to move ahead or get off the couch music shuts them all off I play music to sleep music to clean music to get out of self loathing because it all shuts up just for that second but I can't forever be in sing as funny as I'm sure the people in the car next to me at the lights found it today with me very loudly going da da da da to the tune of the chicken dance just so I could focus long enough to drive to the shops in the rain.
There's not much avaliable time in a day when you are running three children's lives and one adults that's not your own.
I keep going back to mental health. I refuse to go to general practioners as they offer me antidepressants constantly and no referrals to mental health services. My last gp gave me trial packs of antidepressants because I told him I rarely sleep more then four hours or I feel sick headaches migraines. I asked what they were he said they were just to help me sleep and to come in next week for a liver function test I asked was it safe to breast feed with he replied definitely. So when I got home I googled and looked them up where I found they were a new antidepressant that 1 in five users found liver damage 1 in 200 had died due to no live function tests and due to the liver problems it was most definetly not advised for nursing mothers.

I know my post are very unorganised and I do tend to contradict my self or justify everything and it seems veryuch like self destructive actions but it's not intended I just in 24 years cannot focus on anything or much of anything for very long and my head as I said is always arguing the different parts so when I say things that may contradict other things think of it as like my rational brain says one and my emotional says the other. I see mental health tommorow and I'm praying hoping wishing begging someone truly hears me because it is really all to much anymore

In response to: Re: Out of my mind and alone

kristinSenior Contributor11 May 2015, 1:33 pm AEST

Re: Out of my mind and alone

Dear @Embalynrose

My God reading your posts resonates with so much of my own experiences in different ways. I hear you. I think you are doing an incredible job. Doing what you are doing in caring for yourself and your partner is huge, adding 3 small children mulitplies the whole thing by at least 3 in terms of difficulty.

Sandy is spot on about self-care: finding things to do for you amidst the rest so that you can keep your feet on the ground. Where would they be if you end up in hospital? (BTW can you tell your singing teacher that you are doing this only for pleasure, and the suggestions are robbing you of this pleasure?)

I think there are almost certainly services which can help (ie. be helpful not dismissive) out there. Do you feel comfortable telling us what state (and if possible region) you are in? Some of us - either users or mods - might know of some good services who can help.

Take care of you.

Hope for a nurturing environment endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Out of my mind and alone

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor11 May 2015, 7:30 pm AEST

Re: Out of my mind and alone

Hey @Embalynrose
I am a bit of a singer and tapper and possibly a bopper in my car when the music pumps..and I look around and see other drivers doing the same..so if it allows you to drive to the shops and get around well good on you for finding a strategy that works for you..
I like the way you write..it is very descriptive and I relate especially to which part of my brain is trying to be in charge? My emotions? My thoughts? My conscience?
Fingers crossed that you will get some supports for you as it is always tricky when we are trying ti juggle multiple roles as well as our own mental health..

In response to: Re: Out of my mind and alone

Unknown userMember12 Apr 2017, 2:04 am AEST

Re: Out of my mind and alone

😢

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