[Trapped n' Chaos] (a non BPD's story/seeking advice)

Sigghhhh, where to start....

Name is Zachary,
I'm a drug addict till the day i die, though i'm non active, still considered as a drug addict always. Born raised up north close to canada, where i fell to the depths of addiction. I'm 27 years old, all my friends have been taken to this desease, as i attended their funerals. I have no friends, & doesn't really bother me much. After legal trouble because of {*zan-ex* pill}, i realised i had a huge problem & went away to Long Term rehab for 9 months. Once i got out, choiceless i was sent by train back to the same dedend city where i was petrified of using and passing like so many are daily, (as i came very close to awhile back) Being 9 months sober, and truly changed because of this intesive Residentual program, i did not want to use or pickup another drug again, & had no choice but to go back to where i was in major danger of this,(my fathers house) i've been using drugs since finding mary jane at age 14, mostly pills just a "garbage head" (any and all) well this 9 month program changed me alot, having no choice but to return i did so. I became a hermit in my fathers house & was so scared to even run into anyone that would suck me right back into that lifestyle.

I am a big internet guy, & also addicted to meeting women. (addictive personality all around) i was on craigslist, responded to this email from a women, age 44, lived about 5 hours away from me. We chatted about a week as she found out my entire story. I was desprate for a new start, & one thing led to the next, she allowed me to move in with her to get on my feet. ( mind you, i'd never in person met her before only met 2 weeks prior to moving there online) Yes, it was probably thee biggest mistake of my adult life. (which was 6 months prior to now) I saw only two choices, stay there and eventually fall victim to my past, there is no jobs, i new only drug affilated folks. I was setup to fail by going back there 100%. (so stay there) or take this incredible oppertunity i was offered, new place, people, life..i jumped at it and i moved down there, father dropped me off, and he was warned me not to, there was no returning to his house, once i moved out,. "i am a man an once i move out i'm able to take care of myself housing wise" which is understandable.

I never in my life imagined what was to come. The first day i met this women, i noticed somthing off about her. I was totally unaware of BPD & what it is at all. we argued that first day and she started really just made me regret my decision the first day, but i was trapped, homeless.Fast forward 6 months to today. I am mentally drained beyond belief, this women has totally wore me down and i feel like a suffering wild animal being tourcured. Now she's 44 years old, She openly admitted 3 weeks in that she infact was diagnosed with BPD & since then i've researched everything possible about it. I believe the more understanding you have of somthing, the better it can be dealt with. I'm rather intellegent, & enjoy research of all kinds. I was so ill equipt to deal with her. Ughh..makes me cringe all she put me through, she's got me locked up sent to jail cuz she lied on a police report saying i harrassed her, (harrassment in the 2nd) since NYS will believe a womens words with zero backup. She's made me wanna off myself truly, just through her incredible Episodes she would go through atleast 4 times a week, she's toss'd me out 500 times a month. (which i'm not feeling i wanna off myself now, thanks to god)

I used her phone once 3-4 months ago, & found link that said.."how to brain wash someone" asked her what it was about, an she played like she didn't know. but i believe from all research she also has NPD, & her type BPD is (Waif) she doesn't rage, she's quietish, puts on a fake face at work, in front of anyone, second she comes home n key hits the door, i hear nails on a chalk board, because i know that fake mask is coming off the second she's around me. If i'm crying which is often cuz of her mental warefare, she gets a smirk, i feel she is evil almost. It's terrible to say these things about another human being. i've done nothing but love this women for her offering, clean her house for her, try so hard to get her to understand things and she just cant/wont. Facts in front of her still avoids all responsibility.

I've saved her life legitly, as i found her in a deep coma after she took an entire bottle of my sleeping pills (Seriquil) luckly found her). Also Gave me a cell phone on her contract, she will suspend service or tell me to leave knowing i know nobody in the area & i'll have no phone, from what i've gathered she doesn't intentially do all this but i do believe she can cope with this an chooses not to. i've begged her to go to DBT an she's done it all to avoid real treatment. Her co-workers the very few people she talks to, she paints us as i'm the bad guy, an she's the victim. She lovessss that. an everyone believes her, she acts so inicent around public, but second its me and her, the mask comes off.

She has alot of trauma from childhood obviously like many, just is very hard at this point. She wanted a realtionship , i did not, but she offered to help me, as i took it, an wouldn't leave it alone wanting to be with me. We have had sex many times, And that i regret greatly. Because now if i leave, i've heard all these ex-co workers that "touched her" or all the rape stories from her past. it very much scares the crap out of me that she might make something up out of spite because she is incredibly spiteful person and revengful. I feel just trapped, like a shell of myself now. I've tried to just put feelings first.

it's so hard tho when she doesn't cope at all, she'll spend all her money an feed her compulsion to spend on stuff not needed. I try so hard to show her what she does, an it's like shes holding a mirror to me, the facts that she is the reason behind things but it's allllwayyyssss deflected on how it was all my fault. no matter what it was me or an excuse. It's easier for me to call myself worthless. i've noticed if i say that to her, "you know what i'm a worthless pile" she has very slight empathy. but very little. but after every episode, or if i can get the facts in front of her, she'll say "i'm very tired" and go right to sleep. every single time. she's 44 years old, i'm 27 years old. It's very strange i know.

I still feel so trapped, the only option i've found is going to a shelter through social service, so my delema here, 1) stay with her, try an manage her extremeness & caos/drama every day, it's pure cycles of the sameeee crap, the hate phase being the worst, she's 44 and refuses to cope what so ever with this, letting her bpd destroy my life,. hate phase i call it, is when her period comes around an she hates me sooo much for absolutely NO reason. i dread those times. everyday is egg shells. but what, go to a shelter where people get raped, robbed, mugged, there's bug beds, deseases all around. I have ADHD, & i also have OCD, i clean her house because she lives like a slob, and it bugs me so much, so a shelter with OCD. I cannot immagine that. so I am so screwed either choice. NO family will help, i only have my father up north which ive begged to move back, he has new girlfriend an her kids moved in.

my mother i dont talk to, or relitives. I'm on my own, and Socical Service doesn't care what so ever that i'm a recovering drug addict not wanting to live around drug use and people selling drugs where shelters are very very harsh environments. Hense why i stay with this women, an an she's slowly taking my soul.

I appoligize to any readers, this post is not at all in order as it should be, it's jumbled, my mind is just.....sighhh...i just need advice, if i cant go to shelter cuz i'm scared an have OCD an would be miserable, but staying with her is the same result. it's like...trapped, shake my head, i ask god...god what have i done, honestly, to deserve this...she's ruined me emotionally. i cry randomly cuz i feel so worthless at this point, i'm a broken person still striving to survive....by a thread, as each day she wakes up, i don't know how it's going to be, hater phase now, all my stuff was thrown out the house. and she hates me greatly, so at library now, try and stay far away, looking for a job, even tho its hard when house is very unstable.

Any advice or support is greatly apprechiated, Thank you kindly for taking the time to read my post, i hope everyone is having a blessed day. God keeps me going...Bless you all. (Sorry length) **LOVE & PEACE**

-Zachary 😐 xx
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