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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

your blanket looks awesome @CheerBear your very talented

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @outlander. I love those pictures too 😘!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

💕💕💕 @CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh dear guess what @outlander?

I meant to be cooking dinner and I accidentally might have picked up my phone and somehow my fingers may have hit the pinterest app icon and then typed in faux fur pom poms and now I have just discovered they're really easy to make 😮 I am seeing myself pom poming anything and everything I can now.

Will check in and see how you're going properly later on 💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh gosh @CheerBear so the LF are doing their own dinner lol
And thats alright as long as your occupied
What are you having for dinner
Im having tacos havent had these in forever

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am ready to snuggle into your pocket now. The giant missing CherryBomb feelings are growing again. We had a long conversation on the phone today, which SUPER helped, and then I went straight to my violin lesson. But now I am home and the giant waves of grief are washing over me again. I'm just going to stay here in the nest for a little while and then I will take the make-me-go-sleep medication.

It feels exactly like losing (k) uni counsellor and therapist-take-one and a bazillion other people all over again. I'm super hurting over the loss of CherryBomb and I'm also feeling super hopeless over how much (A) doesn't get it. Lunar and RockPool have provided so much support over the past couple of days. It seems absurd that they have been able to help me with this muddle and (A) hasn't. I mean, this abandonment stuff is at the core of my muddle. This is happening RIGHT NOW. This isn't about going over stuff that happened decades ago (even though that is where the abandonment stuff comes from), this is a real here-and-now opportunity to get in and work on this stuff. And yet somehow Lunar, RockPool and CherryBomb seem to have done more to address this stuff through their role here, than my private $120/hr psychologist has been able to.

What IS it with most psychologists???? It truly feels to me like they think the client is a computer that you can just shut down and stick on the shelf until the next session. It's like (A) thinks I should be able to hit the pause button and just put everything on hold until I see her on Monday. The world just doesn't work like that, and I really don't see how anyone with BPD is ever supposed to get better without real-time support (and I guess Linehan has the same view and that's why between-session contact is prescribed in DBT). For me, (A)'s reaction to this situation is a repeat of a whole lot of past horrible experiences, and I am ETERNALLY grateful that Lunar and RockPool have been able to step in and pick up the slack. The way they and CherryBomb have helped me navigate this situation has super super SUPER helped, and even though it super hurts right now, I know the grief is going to settle quicker because it has been respected and processed through, rather than just flooding my brain non-stop.

That all got really long, didn't it. Thank you for listening.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest


@CheerBear wrote:
I am seeing myself pom poming anything and everything I can now.


When I wake up in the morning after sleeping in your pocket, am I going to find myself pom pommed???

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

I want to share this with you and I'm hoping my timing is not too lousy. Today I found myself in some stormy water a few times. It was this puzzle that calmed me down. I thought of you and all the storms you've got through and it was more calming than usual.

Im thinking of you and your current storm and hoping the calm waters come sooner than expected.

💜💐

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm listening to what you've said and hearing you too @Phoenix_Rising. I just lost a long reply but maybe that isn't the worst thing as really, listening, hearing and welcoming you into my pocket is the shorter, easier to read version anyway.

Snuggle away not-friend. I'm frustrated (understatement) about A and sad about CherryBomb leaving, even though I really don't know CherryBomb, with you.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member your timing isn't lousy at all. That is a super cool puzzle. I feel all warm and fuzzy to think that seeing me ride the waves helps you to feel calmer and to know that you too can ride them. That gives a sense of meaning to my muddle. I dream of changing the world. Perhaps I won't ever change THE world, but if I can make a tiny difference to SOMEONE'S world, well that will be good enough.

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