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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear, Oh, my bad. I guess that just goes to show how muddled my brain is. I had it in my head that your partner had been diagnosed with BPD and that this was somehow used to excuse violence and abuse. I super hope my muddled brain hasn't caused you pain.

It makes me super angry that you got labelled with the diagnosis simply because you were having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I fear that that happens all too often. Indeed, in my own situation, all my muddle started with a catastrophic loss, which was disenfranchised. And then of course the muddle just got bigger and bigger and BIGGER through my experiences with white ships.

I'm super glad you aren't scared of me. I find it so hard to understand why so many people are afraid of me because I know myself that there is nothing in the world dangerous about me. Super big thank you for being my not friend. I feel calmer now after talking to RockPool, and (A) is going to call soon too. I know I just need to move through the grief. Having people support me through the grief rather than shaming me for it makes a world of difference!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can see why you might have thought that @Phoenix_Rising. Your brain hasn't caused me any pain. There was a conversation here a while ago about it that ended up becoming very messy and probably confusing for a few, definitely including me. It had bad news written all over it for me and I learnt some really valuable forum lessons through that conversation. From memory a yellow bear drowned in a whirlpool at that time. But like a phoenix rises, a pink bear returned in the yellow bear's place and this pink bear is definitely better at self-care on the forum because of it. I know you know as well as anyone the dangers of stigma and how awful it can be to have shame added to grief. I know you also know how much trauma reactions really are normal responses to abnormal situations like you said. Along with that line, one of my other favourites is "the person is not the problem. The problem is the problem". These two phrases are the way I kind of see mh related challenges.

I'm glad you're feeling calmer now. I'm off to an appointment now. I have something exciting to share later too. You inspired me to look for something helpful for me and I think I found it.

Hope today only gets better from here.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey everyone (not gonna tag cause I'll miss someone trying that with my phone) hope you all are having a good (or ok) afternoon. If you can , enjoy some sunshine for me while I'm stuck at work

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

How's your to-do list going for you today @TheVorticon? Did you ride to work? It's overcast here (and very very cold) but I'll say hi to the clouds for you! Winter has arrived 😕

Feeling a bit shaky after my appointment. It'll pass and until it does I'll work on adding stitches to my blanket.

Hope the day is going well for you all.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

sending you hugs @CheerBear

can not wait to see the blanket , it will be beautiful xx

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I just wanted to thank you sooooo much for your long post answering my questions and sharing so much honestly and authentically with me. I just revisited it again and have saved it as a favourite. I think I might be revisiting it a bit in the coming weeks.

I was blessed to have some help this morning that's put my day on track. It's been a slow and steady day, and so much better than yesterday. I'm back in rebuilding phase.....very slowly......cos that's the only speed I have right now. Hoping to write in daily goals later if I can hold it together, which is looking ok as my great big fishes (more like sharks some days) are all out and it's so much what I needed. Most days I have three of them home hovering and hoovering food (two uni students who prefer to stay home and watch lectures online 😣, and one is unemployed but starting tafe next term). And two are out tonight so more breathing space 🙂

I hope you are having a good day 💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh @CheerBear i just saw your latest post. I hope you are doing better now and your appointment was a moving forward shaky one. I'm hoping to be back on later tonight if you need to talk. Thinking of you. 💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I did my best at the to-do list @CheerBear, although not happy about the bike situation (brakes aren't working ). Just deciding what bonus round thing to attempt. Hope you're going well with your blanket and feeling better.

@Phoenix_Rising hope your wave riding is alright tonight. I'm not feeling "prickled" by you trying your best to deal with the big feelings. After all, you're a turtle, not a puffer fish.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest


@TheVorticon wrote:

@Phoenix_Rising hope your wave riding is alright tonight. I'm not feeling "prickled" by you trying your best to deal with the big feelings. After all, you're a turtle, not a puffer fish.


@TheVorticon You say the sweetest things. I see you as such a genuine and caring guy. Thank you for being you.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

So great to hear that today seems like it's been a better day for you than you were maybe expecting this morning @Former-Member 🙂 I can only imagine how it might be having big fish who can sometimes be like sharks around! Hope you enjoy some space tonight.

@TheVorticon - brakes are kind of important on a bike hey?! I really like that even though you maybe weren't totally successful in ticking off the to-do list, you can say that you did your best. You can't really do more than that!

This afternoon and night has definitely not been the greatest of nights. I have to remember that not the greatest night is still probably better than the greatest night might have been a month ago. So for all I am feeling like it's sort of been sucky, I probably just need to go back 30 pages to get a hit of perspective.

I want to share this picture because it makes me feel good. It's the last proper 'part' of this blanket thing then it's just a border. As it's come from a pattern, the designer writes a little something about what each part means to her. This is about the sun setting on the journey (that's been months of stitching) which I am holding on to at the moment as I started these suns the day after I left the break place. Maybe by the time I finish them I will have settled into this new part of the journey a bit more and won't be feeling as disappointed when I have the not-so-great times. There are four different types of suns that repeat eight times around the blanket with lots more detail to go in. It should give me a bit of time to get used to it 😉

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