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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

((((((hugs for CheerBear)))))))

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good night @CheerBear. I am just snuggling into your pocket now. I know you are here even though you're not. I am thinking about you right now. I'm super glad you and I are not friends.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi in the nest ☺

I've been working through some not-forum sharable stuff that I found has jumbled up my head a lot. It's like a battle happening inside where I can tell myself one thing but feel something completely different, and it's so confusing. It's turmoil I think @Teej (great word for it)! It's made it very hard to be here-here at times and probably making me feel and seem pretty erratic - another great word for it Teej 💗
I went out offline rainbow hunting yesterday to help with some not-lovely feelings I was having and it showed me that maybe I need at least a few more days of that so I can settle things inside some more. I'm posting here because I realise I am here often enough that I don't want any kind of not-hereness to be a cause for concern. I also really wanted to let a not-friend @Phoenix_Rising know that not-hereness is really, truly here-but-notness. I am not far away at all and I really hope you can trust that not-friends don't disappear (and thank you for the pocket company last night 😊). I was thinking about this one a bit more too and there's even more to it than that (which is enough - trust is very tricky!). I don't want to disappear from anywhere ever again. Disappearing hurt me and it hurt the little fish and probably hurt everyone that we didn't get to say goodbye to and that didn't get a reason. I'm totally done with disappearing!
Part of my rainbow hunt yesterday was to look for polkadotted unicorn pjs for next week's adventure. I didn't find any but I did find these which will definitely do, especially with sparkly polkadotted socks (plus I think I have a decent enough collection of unicorn pj tops to match rainbow bottoms already).
After a hairdresser accidentally took a chunk out of my very cool hair and I felt sad, I was given an awesom- hair dye and turned myself into a bright colourful unicorn, which seems even cooler than pjs anyway 😁 How great is this label? (Thank you for teaching me the value of looking at labels for a giggle Phoenix_Rising - this was definitely a highlight when I got home!)
This adventure will only be a little one in terms of actual hospital time, but it has added to some big missing village feelings. I'll be going on a two trains and a bus public transport adventure to get there and back, as I have one helpful-in-this-kind-of-way person and they will be with the fish. I am definitely going to take a sneaky turtle drawn on me somewhere (and a pocket crew of course) if you're still up for coming Phoenix_Rising, so this will be like a double adventure! The hospital is way further away than it needs to be and the idea of being too far from my littles for even a moment has felt so scary for quite a few weeks now, so that adds to it. I'm going to have a couple of decent incisions in some awkward places and my recovery from things like this is often made tricky with a pretty big level of snowflakiness when it comes to meds of all kinds (meaning little to no pain meds) so I'm going to be relying on crafty feel goods next week @Former-Member. And I'm so with you with passionfruit seeds! Love the idea of keep-me-occupied-with-stuff-I-like things - that's one of my favourite tricks 😊💙!
I'm going to tag @Mazarita also, because I have a bit of a history of firing up when it comes to surgeons and I think I'm more anxious about seeing them again than I am about the actual surgery, which I'm thinking you might understand. Plus I'm tagging you because I wanted to give you this which was stunning in person. I took it a couple of days ago when I was having my coffee and thinking of you (as I do often) but I couldn't post it at the time ❤
Thinking of lots more people but I haven't caught where anyone is at so I don't want to tag. I have feeling those who might want to sit through this (typically CB novel), would though. If you don't see me about over the next little bit, the reason is likely to be this ⬆️ - which I know I didn't need to say, but I wanted to 🌈
(This sums it up perfectly I think 😉)

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh @CheerBear, biggest gentle hugs to you.

It's a sacred time. I have memories like it. Sending strength and healing.

Thank you for the beautiful sunrise. It's happening here behind rain clouds.

With you in spirit and thinking the best for you.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBearI hope all goes ok for you and you are not in too much pain. I am glad the little fishes will be well looked after whilst you are gone.

I am glad you are not disappearing too

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear - im glad to see that you are looking for rainbows still and love your pjs! i hope what is going on in your outside stuff settles soon and goes ok.. will be thinking of you and looking forward to seeing you back again!
So glad that you have someone who can look after your LF and hope that they are doing ok too, school year in some ways feels like its only just started but also feels like we've been back at school for lots longer at the same time!
take care of you.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

💜🌈💕🦄 ...... will be thinking of you and with-you-while-not .....

Hugs @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

This is super quick as I'm about to dash off to my volunteering gig. I just wanted you to know I have read your post and I am definitely right there beside you as you navigate the not-forum shareable stuff...and I know you are also with me in my magnificant muddle.

Do you really have unicorn hair? I so super wish I could see this. I can't even imagine right now what your hair looks like!

I love the label!!!!

By the way, this super made me giggle: "plus I think I have a decent enough collection of unicorn pj tops to match rainbow bottoms already." Do you really have a rainbow bottom???

Must dash. See you when I see you (which I guess will be next time you open your handbag).

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Lovely writing @CheerBear and so sweet of you ( typical of you) to be thinking of everyone else’s feeling when you are having a tricky time. Time to put yourself (and your littles) first now, best wishes for a safe trip over the rainbow 🌈

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am touched by your situation and you consideration for others too. You are quite extraordinary, thinking of others while navigating the whirlpool of your own not-forum-shareable-turmoil. Trust is indeed a tricksy thing and your thoughtfulness, and the effort it took to act on that, is the type of action that keeps that trust connection open and strong.

What an amazingly uplifing label - thank you for sharing that. How I'd like to see your unicorn hair, and although I'd only peek for confimation, not really properly look, how incredibly awesome to have a unicorn bottom!

Do you sometimes wear short shorts to show it off, even just a teensy weensy bit? I think I'd have to, or do twirls in front of the mirror ....

Awesome pj's by the way. you've inspired me to maybe find some unicorn fabric for a nightie for myself. I have a Spotlight 40% off thingamy, might see what they have, means I have to actually go-to-the-store but it seems like a good cause.

Craft corner sounds like the best place for me to be hanging out for awhile CheerBear, I'll try to keep you amused. *goes off to charge camera battery for upcoming amusement projects*

Looks like it's apple cake for today's project, my flat mate is going to peel and chop the apples for me and I can bake the cakes. Shared labour makes it easier for me with the hand issue.

Safe journeying to you on your adventures @CheerBear, I'll be-with-you-but-not and send good thoughts and rainbows and unicorns to watch over you and your littles.

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