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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you for your beautiful unicorn bookish. She's now the lock screen of my phone 🦄💚

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening @CheerBear,

My inside is telling me that things are tricky in your world right now. I see and I hear and I feel and I know...just as I know you also see and hear and feel and know. The only thing I don't know, CheerBear, is the answer. I simply don't know. I wish with all my heart that I did, but I do not. And so I will sit with you as you sit with me, together but not in a world where nothing is as it should be...and yes, it SHOULD be. It's really not that hard. I do not understand why others find it so hard to understand. All you need to do is listen and hear. It really really really shouldn't be this hard. I do not understand why others can't understand.

Today is hard, and tomorrow is likely to be hard too, and most likely the day after that and the one after that and the one after that as well. But it won't be hard forever. You've got this. I've got this. We've got this - together-but-not!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Morning @Phoenix_Rising and hi in the nest ☺

Thank you for stopping by last night Phoenix_Rising. I think your inside must have told you that my head kind of exploded in a way yesterday afternoon. It was over a something was a bit of a not-a-thing thing (though I think it was something that is part of an actual thing, thing). I'm going from zero to a million in a flash at the moment, and doing some bottling-up which is probably making that worse. After I felt really silly for exploding, I spoke with a helpful someone who I feel listened to, heard and understood me which led to some un-bottling and that made things a little bit better.

I'm going to write a little about the forum sharable parts of last week now to get it out a bit more.

I worked through a big medication muddle when my PRN had the effect not only of (added) insomnia, but of yucky physical stuff thanks to being not suitable with sometimes tricky eating, as well as probably causing a mega increase in dark and twisty head. I feel very frustrated about it as I was so open about sleep, food and dark and twisty head, as well as my concerns that meds would have that effect as they almost always do for me. My GP helped me sort it out and we added it to the giant list of meds that my sensitive snowflakey brain doesn't like. We also worked out that my med for hormone stuff may be playing in to the tricky as it coincides with some of it, so that was stopped too. I'll take a couple of days a month of hormone hard if there's a chance the medication is contributing to unrelenting brain mash hard. GP wants me to consider the mood stabiliser which was instant walls-up for me at the time, but now they're coming down again a bit, I'll think about it.

The words "NDIS" were said by my mental health worker last week, which made me feel scared. We have time and I knew it was coming, but I feel like it's going to be pretty ugly considering I can't read a simple letter about myself without feeling awful, let alone find a whole range of them, go through them and have them picked apart, in order to continue to receive that support. That's another day worry for now though.

We still have a chunk taken out of the kitchen and no sign of that being different anytime soon, and as much as it's an annoying not-a-thing, it does play into feeling miserable about being here and about all the times I tried to hard to get us out of here but failed at that. My feelings about being here in this wobbly house in this murky pond were amplified when my GP said how much heavier the already heavy odds against the little fish had been made by being here (she had some choice words about where here is and how anyone could have thought it was a good idea to move us here). It was simultaneously validating and crushing, as it's not like I didn't all but shout those concerns at the time too. Grrr to being able to voice things but not having that be enough.

When I think about last week I can see that I did do it all, despite it being tricky. I do do it all and that's where I get stuck sometimes. I tried to find a break from life for a bit but while (on the outside) I am doing it, a break is hard to get. It irks me that support to prevent breakdown which would avoid the need to intervene after breakdown, is not so easy to find (speaking of my people here in my not-forum life and the system/s in general). I'll add that one to my list of want to change the world things though.

Thank you for reading that novel if you (and/or anyone) did. While I have been zero to a million and doing it even though it's hard, I have had trouble being here, here. I'm always here even when I am not though, and we are still doing this together-but-not. Thank you for understanding me, hearing me, and sitting with me also. I know you know I am doing the same with you and I hope you can feel me here/there. I really hope you know that as your not-friend I haven't disappeared even if I am a little quieter while I'm working through stuff.

Today I am planning on burning off some grrr and some anxiety by playing in the garden with the mower, whipper snipper and a suitable soundtrack (constructive destruction and music - two of my big yays). I need to go to Bunnings to do that and that's right up there with Spotlight as my favourite trips out. Flowers 😁. I think that will be my good for the day.

I hope there's good for you and anyone who might read this ☺

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

🤗💕 @CheerBear .....

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

💕💗💕 for being you @Faith-and-Hope 😊

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

You’ve got this @CheerBear. It might not seem so but you have. Weeks like last week suck and make that you’ve got this feeling disappear but when those weeks pass it comes back.....well this is my latest discover but I see it in you too. Best wishes. 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Teej. You always make me smile 😊

I found this hiding away today. It's my azalea and I wanted to share it with you as it made me think of you. I think it was you that said your summer cooks azaleas? I have no idea how this one has survived our summer and I didn't expect to see flowers so it's special.

💗 for you

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh wow @CheerBear, that is amazing. It would have definitely burnt to a crisp at my house. I went to the nursery yesterday and got myself 8 flowering plants for $10 so I’m sure you’ll see them soon 💜🤗

i hope today has been ok for you.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I've had a good day today thanks @Teej ☺ Apparently there's a bit to be said for burning off shaky energy while soaking up some sun (and getting feelings out rather than keeping them stuck
inside) 😉

Hope your day has been a good enough one for you too. Looking forward to seeing your pretties. I'm going to plant a new one of mine in the garden thread in a moment. Can't help but feel like it's been given a death sentence in coming home with me at the moment, but ill try at least 😆

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm hearing through your posts around abouts that things are not all rainbows at the moment in your world and that things are hard. Want to send you some hugs and hope that its warm and cozy under your blanket too. Take care of you as best you can.
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