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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It didn’t come across badly to me at all @CheerBear .....I am so glad to hear you talking about it in increments when you can.

My kids have been hurt in a different way ..... we have had a pendulum swinging between rages and lavishing ..... all without an awareness that it’s problematic, although with a mh team involved now the messages are drifting in ..... but personally I think it has been more about scrutiny and accountability, and being given cause and effect boundaries.

I was making preparations for a “holiday” such as you speak of last year when I had professionals tell me to empty everything out onto the table .... “no secrets !!” ..... but when you are dealing with anosognosia ?? And the secrets are triggers ??

Anyway, we seem to have moved past that point and I am breathing again. I have passed the baton and things are drifting in a new direction .... one that I haven’t wanted because I wanted a magic wand and to not have to leave our old life ..... but in the absence of any such wand, this is the closest to retaining life as we knew it that we can have for now.

I think you are brave, and honest, and genuine, and loving ..... and time will help you heal .... and maturity and distance will help the fish to realise that they had to be transported to a different pond .... you all had to be ..... and there will be new ponds again once this one is outgrown.

You’re a wonderful mumma-bear working to capacity with what you have ..... and that is so special. Spill the tears when and however often is necessary ..... we have lots of mopping up stuff here .....

💜🌈🌷💕

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Catcakes thanks ❤

@Faith-and-Hope Thank you for sharing and for being you. Your baby dragons are very lucky to have a mum like you. I can feel the love, patience and warmth you have and those couldn't be more helpful for tiny dragons, baby dragons and big dragon people I don't think. You give hope Faith-and-Hope.

I love the idea of different ponds and that one day we will outgrow this one too. It's a murky pond (with an annoyingly hard to move far from, great school 😉 )

I'm going to take those tears to bed and sit with my fluffiness and big cry because it's better out than in and it won't actually cause a drowning pond in bed, even if it feels like it will.

Big thanks x

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Just don’t stay awake wondering about that big “ano” word of @Faith-and-Hope’s
@CheerBear.... I promise I’ll look it up tomorrow 😜😘

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Goodnight @CheerBear. I will snuggle into your pocket and if it happens to get flooded with tears, that's ok because, well, I'm a sea turtle you know! Tears are much better out than you. You've got this.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hugs and hugs sweet @CheerBear ..... you hold tight to that hope. You’re growing good strong fish there and have the good sense to prioritise the murky school pond ❣️ It’s invaluable for the learning, the healing, the connecting ......

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I have just briefly caught up with your recent happenings. Like I've said to you before, never doubt the value of you, I know it's hard to do. I have very few words right now, but really want you to know you are in my thoughts....often.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Maggie thank you, big time 💗 So often you're in my thoughts also. Here for and with you Maggie, even when words are hard, quiet, not there... etc.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBearjust popping into the nest to say I think you are a fantastic mother. Your little fishes are lucky to have someone as caring, loving and compassionate as you.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Awww @Former-Member thank you. You've given me a big smile ❤

Much better day today, or maybe much better headspace to deal with today, today ☺

Going for a quick wander around to catch up, and will read to see how you're getting on.

😊

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I dont have anything to add @CheerBear but sending some support courage and of course hugs your way 🤗❤🌹
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