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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Sleep well @Mazarita.

Good morning @mudsum and welcome to the forums.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning (again) 🙂

@mudsum - wishing you huge best wishes for your big thing this week. I too won't/can't say too much here about that stuff but I do know it helps me knowing there's a safe landing spot here. We're right behind/beside you through it 💗

@Former-Member - when I woke this morning I felt instantly comforted knowing you were here/there/not-here, though also feeling sad you weren't sound asleep. How are you now it's daylight? This is what I meant to show you the other day. I made a cuppa and when i saw them remembered to put them up.

There's another cluster of flowers but I had to crop it. I've had all kinds of magic happening in that jug/pot/vase thing.

Good morning @Phoenix_Rising . I have pulled out my notepad app to write this post, which straight away tells me it's probably going to be a long one (just a heads up in advance 😛 ). I did do the icky housing stuff yesterday, which left me feeling yuck and then woke me at silly o'clock this morning. Very thankful for nesters and forumites who were around for company early, as the posts above show. My plan changed from leave to stay (which was the plan I put forward yesterday) but then changed to leave again following a chat about the terribly overpriced rent here and the likelihood that it will be increased. Add this into the housing mess and leaving is what was decided best again. Lots of paperwork (and work in general) to do, but the good is that I think I've found a way to try and stay close to here. I can't think about it much at the moment. I'm too messy, brain busy and shaky and it's eating away at me a lot. It sucks. The whole thing sucks. But I'm hopeful that maybe I can minimise the damage and if I can, that will be the best outcome

Re TT (not the tiny turtle TT), something I am loving about this forum is the opportunity it provides me to pause before reacting. This is not typically a strong point of mine as I tend to struggle to hold back during conversations involving topics I feel passionately and strongly about. I spend way more time here pausing before replying than I do beyond here, but am practicing this idea as much as I can. The title of TT alone had *warning* written on it for me and the little flick through it I had, showed me it was not going to be a good discussion for me to be part of (for myself and probably for others) which is why I didn't contribute. It seems you also practiced these things last night while managing to find a balance so you could still contribute as well. I find that very impressive. I can see why you feel/felt as you did last night and think I would also be feeling the same way had I entered that discussion. I can also see how it may be a struggle for mh professionals to promote services they believe in, while acknowledging that they can be unhelpful too, as I am pretty certain you can see also. Sometimes I feel sad thinking that maybe there are people/places there who believe any 'support' is better than none, which for people like you and me (and a huge chunk of forum users) is definitely not always the case. The whole damage that the system/s have caused me makes it so hard for me to want to be part of it all. I'm finding it ridiculously hard to sit somewhere between worker and client, as I think you find too.

As for the weighting that support beyond professional support is given, that's another source of pain for me as well. What happens to those who don't have, can't access (for a bazillion possible reasons), or have lost this kind of support? It is a mess indeed, and I guess that leaves us joining places like SANE forums 😉 , which counts for a lot as far as I feel.

On a lighter note, I have a funny to share with you. Our bathroom has been suspiciously turning in to what looks like a public swimming pool change room twice a day. I had a feeling it was littlest LF who has been behind it, but wasn't sure how it was possible to cause that much chaos. This is the one I think you'd really click with, who was behind the Squishy chalk art a while ago. During a chat last night they fessed up to being behind the bathroom decorating. I asked them whether they were splashing sink water on to the mirror or pouring cups of water around. They said that it wasn't cups or hands that did it, it was a 'puffer fish'. Then they blew out their cheeks and squished them together quickly and said that when their mouth is full of water, that's what happens 😮 I asked from now on, if a puffer fish reeeeeally needed to join them during teeth brushing, could it at least aim in the bath and not on the mirror, which appeared to happen this morning as a proud LF informed me. My ocean here is a circus but at least it's an entertaining one 😄

Hope you slept well phoenix_rising. I think I'm going to have to consider something for sleep soon as well, and am glad I have a GP I am beginning to connect with too.

Hope today is good for you all 🙂 now to hit post and watch the forum scramble my nice formatting 😛

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear @mudsum and everyone on here. 💟💗
Fel like a truck has hit me.
Got up to make coffee and toast.
Snuggling in bed still.
I am trying to talk myself into showering and doing things.
I need to sort the plants out and I'm trying to sort things so I can take them to op shop.

Thankyou for the pic CheerBear 👍💕
I actually bought a flower plant at Bunnings yesterday and fertilizer.
I very rarely do any planting etc due to depression, lack of energy.
So it's amazing I'm making an effort .

☕🍰🍵🍩☕🍰🍵🍩

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi nest-dwellers

@mudsum I turned off my phone right after "liking" your post last night, so I missed you asking me if I was still awake. The answer is, nope, I was asleep. I hope today is an ok day for you. I'm not sure what day this week you are going to court, but I will happily come along in your pocket. You will need to scoop me out of the ocean and dry me off and then I will be all set to come. Court stuff is icky. I sued a church where I was abused as a young teen and thus I know how very loooooooong and drawn out court proceedings can be. Having said that, after getting through all the ickyness, I got the super empowered feeling and now whenever I have to do anything super scary I remind myself "I sued a church - I can do this." I super hope you get the outcome you are looking for at court.

@Former-Member I hope the extra snuggle time in bed has helped you feel better. I got up early, ate breakfast and then fell back into bed too. However, when I got up the second time around, I felt much better and I now have hopes of having a few productive hours.

@CheerBear Isn't it super cool how there is ALWAYS someone around in Forum Land. I think that is amazing. It helps me to feel safe. I'm glad you had company at silly o-clock. Being able to stay close to your current house but hopefully at a cheaper rent sounds great. I super hope that is able to happen. I super wish I had a magic wand to make it happen rather than you having to jump through lots of hoops.

Like you, I struggle to pause before responding and I agree that Forum Land is a good place to practice that skill. This is something the uni counsellor "trained" me to do when I was trying to cope with my nightmarish supervisor. Read email, go and deal with big feelings, re-read email, go and deal with big feelings, re-read email, respond but don't send, wait, re-read drafted email and send email when calm.

I agree that it would be hard for MH professionals to promote services that they believe in while also acknowledging that they can be unhelpful. Maybe they don't even totally believe in them but feel they need to still try and sound all positive. And yes, I agree that a LOT of people/places seem to think that any support is better than none. Ages ago I read a really good piece written by a psychologist regarding the 10-session limit on funded sessions. She talked about how 10 sessions was worse-than-useless for people with BPD because the core issues in BPD relate to attachment/abandonment and these issues will be intensified if the client is "abandoned" after 10 sessions. I really don't see how anyone can gain any benefit from 10 sessions. To me, this can only ever be a band-aide solution for anything.

I TOTALLY hear your puzzle about sitting between worker and client @CheerBear. I am in SUCH a muddle over this. Of course, right now my brain is too puddled to do much at all, but I do still think about what I want to do if/when my brain is de-puddled. I toss around SO MANY ideas; social worker, peer support worker, academic...I don't know how I can best change the world.

And yes, the whole "friends and family" thing is super tough. Right now I am EXTREMELY dependent on Forum Land for social support. I simply do not have anyone else. I get the very strong sense that (A) doesn't truly get this part of my puzzle. I don't think she understands how essential a sense of connection is. She still seems intent on telling me how much she ISN'T there for me, rather than how much she is and this is hugely destructive. I really can't see how anyone can heal when the constant message they get from every angle is "I'm too busy." I am SUPER grateful that the guys at SANE seem to understand the value of simply saying "I'm here, you are not alone." (Thank you @Former-Member, @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member @NikNik ).

Oh I would SUPER love to hang out with your littlest fish!!!!!!!!!!!! If I was at your place, after I played at being a puffer fish, I would show littlest fish how to squirt water by putting your hands together and kind-of creating a vacuum. I don't know how to explain it...but I may possibly do it when I'm in the bath tub. Here...I just asked google and I found this nice youtube video explaining how to do it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrM8ubSYgZA

I am super glad you are connecting with your GP. I feel much more awake today. And on that note, I need to jump off the forum and go and do something productive. I hope you are having a nice day @CheerBear and all other nest dwellers

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello @Phoenix_Rising, @Former-Member, @CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear @mudsum @Phoenix_Rising @eth 💜💕👋👀 and everyone else on here. ❤

Just having a little rest on couch.
Somehow I managed to sort the plants and fertilize them. Also cleaned out the big hallway cupboard and have a huge bag to take to the op shop. Still more tidying to do, but at least I've started. Cupboards tend to get very full and messy and it takes alot of, talking myself into cleaning them up. 😮😣😨
Feels never-ending, but it's worse not starting.

Not sure why fibromyalgia is really causing pain lately. I guess I got a chill walking in the wind.

How has everyone's day been?

Hi to @Shaz51 💟
And @Mazarita 💟

Let's hope we all get a better sleep tonight.
I'm looking forward to bed already. 😂

Cuppa and piklets for all.
Made with wholemeal flour. 😆
☕🍵☕🍵☕🍵

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Yum @Former-Member. Sounds like a really productive day 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It's been a bit of a shaky day here. I had one of those super hard but hopefully helpful in the long run, counselling sessions. I really know my counselling space is a great place to dive into the mess, though it's definitely a hard thing to do. For all the therapy I've done over all the years I've been doing it, only now am I really starting to appreciate how much it takes to share the big deep dark secrets. It's so strange because what I shared this afternoon was not one of those big ugly stories. It was about the impact everything has had on my ability to allow myself to be vulnerable around people and about the hit to my want/ability/desire to be intimate (I'm talking about that really vulnerable connection thing rather than the physical stuff). Being vulnerable while talking about how terrifying being vulnerable feels, has left me feeling like I really want someone to say 'I'm not ok' to, who will scoop me up, hold me close, and say 'you will be ok, and I've got you until you are'. I don't do this feeling well. I do the 'I've got this and I don't want anyone else to have this for me ever' feeling much better.

I don't know how or what will fix this broken bit. I don't even know why it matters, especially when I am looking for a house to settle into, I'm jobless, goalless, friendless, directionless and sometimes totally hopeless. This is like the gazillionth thing I should be thinking about on a list of really important other things to think about, but it's the soul and heart pain, that aches.

That's me being all vulnerable here now too. I'm going to make cake now. With sprinkles 😄

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Amazed myself @eth 💪💜
Considering how crappy I've been for a long time.
I hate wasting my days and I've done alot of wasting .
Really have to push myself.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member - i was typing my post when you typed yours 🙂

So nice to hear you planting and gardening. Great work on being so productive too.

I'm off to make cake. This is always a good idea of mine 😛 but I wanted to say hi, share a fly by cuppa and some 💗
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