Support for parents of teenagers with mental illness

Hi @Ruth,

I'm sorry to hear that your 'journey' with this is still ongoing. We all just pray that what our kids are going through will be as short as possible. Of course, the reality is very different.

It's good that she is making contact wtih professional services now. It's a step in the right direction. I know people say pot is the least to worry about so far as drugs go, but pot and anxiety do not mix!! I just wish kids would use their logical brains more and not think they know it all. (sorry, little vent!)

But, she's hooked up with these friends, they must make her feel good about herself in some way. Is she still working full time? Hopefully she is and therefore her time with these friends is interspaced with others.

Good luck with your journey Ruth and just remember, you love and care for her, she is incredibly lucky for that. And even when it seems they don't feel that lucky, remember they lash out at the ones closest to them. The 'safe' ones. Look after yourself too. And make sure she sees that you are. You are important too! 🙂

Thank you Altogether. I appreciate your reply. I wish I had a positive update, but I don't.

Thank you Appleblossom for your response. Sorry I am late in replying. I've been full on trying to deal with my daughter's situation, but can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Hope you are doing great 🙂

I am plodding along ... no magic wands ...

Dear @Ruth there is no obligation to reply ... but if the forums help that is good

I have an old friend whose grand daughter became involved with problematic people about 5 years ago ... she was beside herself and had windows broken ... now the girl is at uni ... life's a struggle for most of us .. if we are honest ... take care

Hi Appleblossom et al

Here it is the middle of the night, going over everything in my mind.

Kate's heading downhill. She's now lost her job through non-attendance. She tells me I'm not doing enough to help, but I spend hours and hours searching websites and ringing people and places looking for help for her. I read this 'you beaut' bio of a GP who has expertise in adolescent mental illness and I took Kate to see her last week. I met her too and gave an overview of Kate's situation before leaving them to have their meeting together. Kate came out and said "She wants to see me again in a month. What am I supposed to do between now and then?".

The frustrating thing for me is that I am left in the dark. Kate sees these professionals but I don't know what's going on. With regard to the other counsellor at the Youth Service, I got Kate's permission to talk to him ... and I gave him details of the grief and pain she goes through. (Her anxiety is often really bad.... in fetal position curled up on the kitchen floor, breathless, crying etc. Not pretty). She missed an appointment about 6 weeks ago and she has heard not a word from the counsellor. I tactfully tried to say to Kate that it also her responsibility to make contact but she was too anxious about the fact that the counsellor "doesn't really care".

I think I have to agree with her. Young people with anxiety, depression and substance issues don't always exercise the social mores, and it surprises me that counsellors don't take a bit of initiative and pick up the telephone to see if everything's OK.

Like everyone else on this forum, I could write reams, and it's always dangerous to single out a few sentences to write because there are so many relevant details that are left out due to not wanting to bore or burden other people. So I guess I'm just writing for myself. I wish it was cathartic, but it isn't. I just know that I gave birth to this beautiful human being who is pained by mental illness and who otherwise is a lovely soul who is pretty, smart, and who cannot pass a homeless person in the street without stopping to talk and give him money or lunch or something. But she's on a path to destruction and I feel so helpless.

We love our children and try so many things to help them on their way to independence. Dont let her panic get you down .. re doing enough.

It is largely up to her to find a pathway into adulthood and her future. Parents can help or guide but without her active engagement it wont be her choices and therefore her life.

When I was in early 20s I did a lot of primalling that encourged us to go into states like you describe Kate on the kitchen floor ... but my family did not witness it for many years until well after the spate of suicides and I was a young mum. I did not use it as a way to get help ... I was paying for my own private therapy and working and studying trying to take responsibility for myself, whilst coming to terms with my emotional life. It was well after I had stopped using drugs and started meditation.

I think the value of regressing like that can be staying in contact with the body, and not dissociating. My brothers form of being in contact with his body was through expression of anger. They are both only partial experiences of the full range of human emotional expression. It might be good to talk to her about levels of maturity. We all have aspects of ourselves that are more mature and other parts of us that lag behind and maybe her strong self can learn to "counsel" her vulnerable self.

Even though she is presenting her vulnerable side to you to get help ... I would ...sensitively ... try to find ways to 'reality check' with her ... talk about the limits about one person can really do to make another person happy ... that ultimately we all need to take responsibility for our selves ... that you will walk with her but she has to do some active choosing about how she uses her time and fills her life. I would be putting more and more back on her ... its her life ... its her decision ... you love her but if you or a GP makes the decisions she would resent it anyway.

If that GP had told her a whole lot of things she had to in the month, Kate may have felt overly controlled and angry ... it is often a temptation to hand our personal responsibility to someone else ... try and tease those things out a bit with her ... go for gradually ... care for your self so you can manage the long haul.

I am ok ... not great ... but ok .. still plodding ... walked a lot yesterday through some wetlands and did some jobs at the plaza ... my son is out today ... busking and helping a friend with skyping. I have my choir tonight. Thanks for asking.

My son got angry and threw in a job about 4 years ago. I was worried but he found another one and became more realistic about what to expect from work environments. Hope your girl does too ... when she is able ... I have to face it that neither my son or I am up to 9-5 ... we just cant cope with that .. but we can cope and live adequately on part-time work ... in that I charge him a small board .. they need to be coached gently into life's realities.

.

Hi Ruth,

I'm sorry to hear that things are getting tougher for your daughter.

It's tough when appointments are missed - you can't be expected to hold her hand or force her and I think it's great that you flagged that it's partly her responsibility.

I mentioned in a previous post a great site for young people, ReachOut.com What I didn't mention is that they have online forums like this, but for young people. Maybe it would be helpful for her to connect with others her age who are going through similar things. You can check it out here

Nik

Good morning Nik Nik ... thank you for your response. I'm always blown away when people reply to posts and take the time to offer support and kindness. Thanks for the ReachOut link. I've just spent an hour reading through everything on the site. It looks great, and I'll give the link to Kate. Thanks again!

Thank you Appleblossom for sharing something of your story and experience ... I appreciate this.

Your advice is good and sound. Believe me, I have tried different ways of talking to Kate; from different angles etc.

In my own mind, I am questioning whether she is really (I mean "really") trying to help herself. She has an answer and an excuse for every perceived failure (ie it's the fault of her mental illness).

I don't see a young woman who is making a concerted effort to conquer her issues.

Contrawise, I understand that when you're depressed and when your brain is going a million miles an hour (and not helped by using cannabis as an emotional-pain relief). It's like her substance use and mental issues have become her way of life. Full stop.

Meanwhile, I am affected by this. Her 'way of life', emotions, drug use, etc., is controlling me and how I feel each day. Outwardly I maintain a happy disposition, supportive, loving, (enabling, rescuing!), but inside I'm so churned up with worry.

Unfortunately I don't have someone with whom I can talk really openly and honestly about this. I've tried the 'professionals' but what a waste of time that was. My experience was the same as Kate's. She has drawn the conclusion that it's just a job for them ("your hour's up. See you in a month. Pay as you leave"). I have looked for peers with whom I can have a coffee, knowing that both parties can share, without feeling that either is burdening the other. In all my searching, I'm surprised that some organisation doesn't have something for parents.

As I said in an earlier post, it's insufficient to comment on isolated aspects of living with someone with a mental illness and substance abuse issues. The picture is broader and there are other contributing factors and experiences that have occurred along the way. For example, Kate's issues (self harm, etc) started when her father suddenly walked out on our family for another woman 4 years ago. I suffered the most severe trauma, as there was no warning about this, and I loved him. He abandoned Kate too, and his behaviours were unbelievably abominable. Kate says she was not affected by his abandonment, but I find this hard to comprehend. Anyway, enough of that.

Another morning. Another day to worry.

I have many blessings to count in regard to other things though. I'm going to start counting NOW 🙂