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Newbie- BPD

JynxmeContributor05 Apr 2015, 11:33 pm AEST

Newbie- BPD

Hi all

I have a diagnosis of borderline personality dissorder with underlying depression and dissociative tendancies. I thought id give this a go as i feel im slipping again. The worst part is that when i think of everything in my life at the moment-i dont have anything to be feeling down about, yet i find myself feeling confused, sad, lonley and questioning who i am once again. I wish i could get away from my thoughts, who needs a tormentor when you cant stand five minuets alone with yourself? Im becoming more impulsive again and it scares and thrills me at the same time. Anything to get away from the numbness which seems to have engulfed me i guess. Im trying so hard to get my life back on track, to make my family happy and proud of me, to be someone my little sister can look up to. Feeling like this is like a kick to the head, im so very angry with myself- why cant i just be "normal" i have no reason..no right to be feeling so low.Everything is going good, everything but my thoughts. i cant control them and i'm so tired.

I'm not even sure if any of this is making sense, my mind is going at a million miles an hour and my thoughts and feelings are cutting each other off.

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings

-Jynx

19 replies

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In response to: Newbie- BPD

Rose11Casual Contributor08 Apr 2015, 1:26 pm AEST

Re: Newbie- BPD

Hi jynxme,
I'm new to this forum aswell and still getting the hang of it, I can relate a lot to what you have said, especially the part about hating the way you feel but at the same time loving it because it's your comfort zone, i can relate to that 100%. I was only recently diagnosed with BPD at age 23 and I suppose I don't quite understand it completely yet, but this forum has already helped to understand it abit more. I'm getting help with a phycologist and medication, I can't seem to get over the numbness and negative thoughts yet but I have managed to not self harm in about 6 weeks which has been hard but a great acheivment for me.
Thankyou for sharing your story and I hope this forum helps like it has helped me so far.
- Rose.

In response to: Newbie- BPD

Crazy_Bug_LadySenior Contributor08 Apr 2015, 2:14 pm AEST

Re: Newbie- BPD

Good job on staying SH free for 6 weeks Rose! I had a set back which has put me back a bit. 36 days today. Which sucks as I was close to 200 days, but oh well.
D'you mind me asking what coping skills you use? I have my Coping Box, with all sorts of (safe) fun things, like colouring in and puzzles and stuff. I've also been drawing squiggles on the area I want to hurt.

In response to: Re: Newbie- BPD

JynxmeContributor08 Apr 2015, 3:20 pm AEST

Re: Newbie- BPD

@Crazy_Bug_Lady I'm glad that you feel like you have direction now, just try if you can not to get too caught up in the actual "diagnosis" i found that made me feel really down when i first got diagnosed. DBT is a great course and quite helpful as well as insightful. I did however find it also quite confronting at times. Stay strong but just know that the course may also make you struggle with your moods (I know i did)

Stay strong

@Rose11 Wow, thats an amazing effort. I cant even fathom going that long without being self destructive. Well done, you should be so proud. Thankyou, for making me feel not so alone in saying that you can 100% relate but in saying that my heart aches for you- Nobody should have to experiance the things we (people suffering from MI) do.

While skimming the internet thismorning i found a book that some may find interesting and/or helpful. Its called Running on empty by Dr Jonice Webb. It explains emotional neglect in childhood and the impact of it as well as some ways to cope/ change. http://www.drjonicewebb.com/the-book/ (Thats the web address to check it out)

In response to: Newbie- BPD

Rose11Casual Contributor08 Apr 2015, 5:43 pm AEST

Re: Newbie- BPD

@Crazy_Bug_Lady 36 days is still a great acheivment, good for you! I use a breathing technique my Phycologist has shown me, sort of like meditation. That seems to help calm me down, I like your idea of a coping box though and drawing squiggles, I might try that the next time I feel the need to self harm.

@Jynxme thankyou, I am quite proud of myself, it's been hard to stop myself and just take a moment to breath through feeling the need to self harm but I'm getting there day by day. My heart goes out to you while your struggling day to day, just know your not alone and we are all in this together 🙂

In response to: Newbie- BPD

PeppiPattySenior Contributor08 Apr 2015, 7:24 pm AEST

Re: Newbie- BPD

hi @Crazy_Bug_Lady
@Jynxme

rambling is good.
everything comes out.......

In response to: Newbie- BPD

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor08 Apr 2015, 7:26 pm AEST

Re: Newbie- BPD

Onya @Jynxme @Rose11 and @Crazy_Bug_Lady

Great changes there.. So exciting to read this progress, gives me great hope that I can change too..

I am working on steady mood..which during school holidays usually varies a heck of a lot but with hubby around as well.. I am catching myself more often not being wound up like a drum..

Still working on mindfulness.. It often eludes me so perhaps I need to timetable it into my day..
Hope for stable moods and less swings endures..

In response to: Re: Newbie- BPD

JynxmeContributor09 Apr 2015, 12:09 am AEST

Re: Newbie- BPD

@Alessandra1992 I have read quite a good book called the art of mindfulness and one thing that really stood out to me is that you dont need to make time to be mindful. You can be mindful while completing everyday tasks for example mindful cleaning or cooking- focusing just on doing those tasks at the time you are doing them. A good one i found was mindful running, concentrating on your foot falls and the rythm of it as well as your breathing pattern and how it can be counted in time with your foot falls (Breath in feeling your lungs fill for 5 foot falls, then exhaling chest deflating for 6 foot falls) I found this helps me alot.

Good luck and keep at it

-Jynxme

In response to: Newbie- BPD

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor09 Apr 2015, 8:22 am AEST

Re: Newbie- BPD

Hey @Jynxme
Thanks for the book title..I will pop onto library and see if they can order it in..I am thinking of trying swimming as I have been advised by Physio and osteo to take it up for my back..after 5 years of ignoring advice I have paid for.. Maybe it is time to try something I used to love as a a teenager..
I used to find it very peaceful...
Did try jogging, not for me..well not for now..walking quickly yes..jogging way too much jiggling!!

In response to: Re: Newbie- BPD

NikNikSenior Contributor15 June 2015, 11:43 am AEST

Re: Newbie- BPD

Hi @Jynxme ,

How are you travelling? I just wanted to let you (and anyone else interested!) that tomorrow night (Tues 16 June) we are running a Topic Tuesday session about debunking the myths that surround BPD.

It kicks off at 7pm AEST. I hope you attend - it would be great to get your insights!

The session will take place here

Nik

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