Newbie- BPD

Welcome @Jynxme

so glad you've joined us! I must acknowledge your self awareness in recognising that you're slipping, and reaching out to do something about it, ahead of the pack!

This must be a very difficult place to be sitting, however I have read that other people also experience this same sense of discernment, particularly if things have been rocky for a period of time. Maybe it taps into feelings of loss and grief, sense of worth, and view of self and the world. Those that suffer from depression also find it difficult to take joy from life, and see things through a faulty lens. I guess what I'm saying is you're not alone. Some of the symptoms you mention experiencing are commonly associated with the disorder, and depression, and must be very frightening.

Tell me about how you manage these constant thoughts, and are you at least able to slow them down?

I'm not sure where you are at with your journey, but you might like to enter BPD into the search bar above, and read other members posts about their experiences. You can even respond to these inviting the member back by using an @ symbol before their user name.

Let us know how you get on...feel free to share a little more if you're about?

Karma

Thanks @-karma- 🙂 I have been told by my psychitrist that i am very self awear, im not entirely sure if its a blessing or a curse. There are times when i can slow everything down but i find that more and more im dissociating (unintentionally) to the point where i feel nothing, like not even the cold breeze on my skin- everything goes numb, everything but the aching in my chest.

What would you like to know? I have so much running through my mind, im not sure where to start. questions would help give me a starting point i guess. Im 24 and was diagnosed with depression at 13 then by the time i was 20, after many attempts and a handful of therapists was given my official diagnosis. I dont know who i am anymore, i switch between personas depending on my level of dissociation and contributing moods. Earlier this year i was on life support as a result of my closest attempt yet. My moods wear me out, im beyond exhausted yet i still cant sleep. I thought i'd give this a go as i'm really at a loss, I am sick of failing, tired of trying to deal with myself and ashamed of the sadness in my family and friends eyes.

@Former-Member I have a psychitrist i see regularly and ive done DBT therapy.

I hate feeling like this but at the same time i like it? Its my comfort zone...This is all i know. Im so ashamed and embarresed to admit that. I'm scared to change but im also terrified that i cant, that ive been like this for too long and im too self destructive.

Dear @Jynxme

A very warm welcome to the forums. Thanks for joining the conversation with your open, honest and courageous posts. You do sound like you have a lot of self-insight. It can be a very painful gift at times I agree. I hope you will find that it is a helpful thing in the long-term, and less painful too.

Firstly let me introduce a few friends here who are also sufferers of BPD, @Ellie @peace @shanc @Rose11 @Crazy_Bug_Lady @Raven @isabella @BlueButterfly50

(I've also put in a link to the list of BPD threads on the forum).

Please be kind to yourself. No one would choose to have a MI, often it takes a long time to understand why we are suffering. For example I was abused as a child, didn't understand what happened to me, suffered acute and chronic depression (intermittently) for about 30 years before understanding that it was a response to the trauma I'd suffered. It sounds like you are getting some help, and that is a good place to start. A place you can work on to help yourself is try to be kind to you - as you would be to a good friend who is having a terrible time through no fault of their own and who needs support.

Please take care of you.

Hope for a healing journey endures...

Kind regards,

Kristin

Hello Jynxme and welcome to the forum.

I also have a diagnosis of BPD and have borne this terrible disorder for around 45 years. I've been misdiagnosed several times and only found out with certainty what's been plaguing me all my life mid last year, although I had a feeling my problems stemmed from BPD long before that. At my age, I feel it's too late for me to go through the process of trying to get well, so I'm just beginning a journey into the education of the general public into this disorder and how badly it can affect not only the sufferer, but also their family and significant others.

However, Jynxme, you're in the perfect age bracket to do something to turn your life around. BPD is not only beatable, anyone can do it with the right knowledge and help. I've been told by someone who made a full recovery (and this is someone who was once told they'd spend the rest of their lives in a MH facility) that once that recovery is complete, it's like walking out of a fire-storm and into a lush, flower filled garden. There is hope and you must believe that recovery is possible, because it is!

Now the hard part. Firstly, you have to REALLY want to recover. BPD is such a self defeating disorder that most people go into a DBT or ACT's program and only stay one or two sessions before the negativity takes hold and they drop out. You need to be totally dedicated and committed to going right through the program and completing every little step along the way. And, unfortunately those programs are very difficult to find in the public system. Private health insurance is almost a necessity. It's worth waiting the 12 months to get started in a program. Private is much less traumatic than public too. If you're not living in a major city, then travel may be a problem or you may even have to consider relocation which can be a huge stumbling stone.

I know. So much to think about, but I promise you that if you work hard on your disorder, then your family and friends will not only be proud of you at the end of your journey, they'll be proud of you every little inch of the way!

All the best with your journey,

Ellie.

Thank you all for welcoming me to the family. im still unsure how all this works, and am trying not to throw myself a pity party by writing everything i think and feel.

A few of you asked how i am now, i'd like to say good but that would be a lie. There are so many things running through my mind that i feel like im going to be sick. I'm numb but im sad, i'm not quite sure how that works like maybe my surface feelings are numbed completly but the deeper ones just feel far away but not quite far enough away that i cant feel them?

@kristin Thankyou for sharing, I'm not going to say how sorry i am that you had to go through that- i will however say WOW! you must be such a strong person for perseveering and trying to make sense of everything. That is true courage.

@PeppiPatty I wish i could say its not my fult but i have been told so many times by so many different people that it is, that they would just be empty words said with bitter feeling. Thank you for the suggestion though, I will try to work on it.

@shanc I dont know your story but let me just say how proud i am that you managed 2 months without beer, I'm sure that wasnt easy at times. So cut yourself some slack and give us a half smile (If you dont know what im refering to i'm happy to explain)

@Ellie You might find that by being able to help others you inadvertidly help yourself, you are not past it. I completed my DBT course and got a certificate, now i read alot on meditation and am practicing that. There are times when i really do want to get better but there are also times when i become discouraged and dont see the point. Thankyou for saying what needed to be said 🙂

Everyone always talks about being "normal" have they ever stopped to think that normal translates to majority? That for some normal IS feeling like crapola, hating ourselves and desperate attempts at escape? (just to name a few)