What to do when Patience disappears

Hi @Karma ,

Welcome to the Forums.

I can see that your son seems to be stuck; he can't work, yet he can't afford to not work - and then it all feeds into each other. To me it sounds like you're also feeling stuck, and tired. You're certainly not alone. There's a few people with on this Forums who I think I can relate. @Rjb @Untethered @Louise and @Concerned have adult children with mental health issues and have spoken about the challenges. They've written about in last week's Topic Tuesday about grief. Perhaps they can share some thoughts here.

I wonder if @Viv and @3forme can share some thoughts. She/he has spoken about how they have found ways to keep their relationships safe (see link to Topic Tuesday), and work through trying times.

Can any other members contribute?

Hi Karma,

You must feel frustrated that your son seems to be getting nowhere and help seems so ineffective. I expect that like me when I was in your situation, you carry a fair bit of anger too. It is so cruel to see the people we love hurt so much and to feel powerless to assist.

My daughter is now 34 and still does not accept treatment as I believe she should. I have travelled a hard road but now feel reasonably balanced about it all.

Your son is 20 and this complicates the situation, he is legally adult and resposible for himself but he is in such a confused state that it seems he can't make wise decisions. As a parent we stand by and feel powerless to help.

But we are not powerless. While our adult children try to negotiate their way through the mental health system, we can be there supporting them. Sometimes our support is rejected, sometimes we feel like we are supposed to be superheroes doing the impossible. That is our struggle with our situation.

I think that is our dilemma, to differentiate our concerns for how we feel with the concerns we have for our childrens' health and future. Perhaps it would help to know what is our problem, what are our needs and what is our children's problem and their needs. Then we have to face meeting our needs for ourself and allowing our children make their own decisions (even if ill advised in our opinion).

We walk a tightrope it seems to me, when we explore and learn about mental health and our own situation, then we can be better equipped to be the support we want to be ... and keep our patience with what we cannot control.

As parents we understand, yes. We also know that there is much for us to learn in this journey. Take care Karma, it will make sense eventually.

Oh Yes, stuck between a rock and a hard place.... as your son is 20 it is impossible for you to force him to engage in any treatment, and at his age, having a job and an independent source of income is important to him.

It is unclear what types of treatments or support you have previously sought, but yes it can take time, and it is not as much about getting a diagnosis (label) as it is about finding the best treatment plan for you son. We simply want our children to feel better.

Losing his apprenticeship has probably made him even more reluctant to be open about his issues, when in fact if his employer had been aware they may have been able to make accommodations, just as they would if he had broken his leg or had some other injury requiring time off. In this case a diagnosis may have been helpful. I am not an industrial relations expert, simply speaking from experience.

Having said that, there are excellent residential facilities available which may be able to provide your son with the information, support and strategies to deal with the symptons of his illness and put him back on a road of some stability. Depending on where you live this may be an option, however it is my belief you will need a referral to these from either your G.P or Psychiatrist (if your son sees one).

You may also have to realise that he has to take contol and responsibility for his own health and wellbeing (a very, very difficult tie to cut), you have also not said if he is living at home and how this may be affecting your own health (which at some point has to become your priority.. again very difficult).

My only advice is hang in there, sometimes you really do have to hit that hard rock bottom before the situation starts to improve (based on my experience), so rather than struggling to hold it all up, prepare yourself for the landing, by allowing yourself to step back, by disengaging to a certain point, from all the excuses/arguments/bad behaviour/whatever it is that your situation is throwing at you, and by asserting your needs to your son, for me is was about being honest with my daughter about her behaviour and the toll it was taking on me. I had tried this reasoning before, many times, the difference this last time, she had to hear it from me in a total state of emotional despair and physical collapse. The difference, I was literally at the end of my rope, my daughter knows I will always love her and when she is ready to be more pro active and to make more positive decisions regarding her illness that I will always, always be there for her, but until such time I can't continue to give her absolutely everything I have and leave nothing for myself.

I sincerely hope you don't have to reach this point, but for me, it has signalled the beginning of a new positivity in my daughter, yes it has only been one good, emotionally stable week, but I'll take it.

Good Luck on your journey, stay strong for your son, be kind to yourself.