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SHOULDS

Change123Senior Contributor10 Apr 2017, 3:17 pm AEST

SHOULDS

Hi All and the moderators

One thing I still struggle with is "shoulds" in the sense as taught in DBT I get angry when people dont do what they "should" do, this may be around politeness, manners, expectations or just people interactions.

Lately I find myself trying to keep away from people as they just give me the shits to be blunt. I know everyone has their own opinion and whats important to one is not to another but I really struggle with this. Eg the other day I was at the shops and went to turn into a car park and the woman next to me had her trolley in my space. I was half way in so I couldnt move, she had about 8 things in her trolley and was of course on the mobile. While she done this 5 cars lined up behind me as they couldnt get passed and because I was half way into the car park, oncoming cars couldnt get around me. This woman just took her time holding everyone up causing a jam in the car park for about 10 minutes before she finally finished and moved her trolley out the way. I was so angry over this for hours BUT WHY, she was a stupid woman and she SHOULD have moved her car but she didnt. There was no law stopping her doing what she did yet I felt so enraged over this. I wasnt in a hurry or anything I just felt very strongly you SHOULDNT do that.

I guess in a way the problem is my expectations of people are held to my expectations of myself but if they dont do what I feel they should it really gets to me.

Does anyone else have the same issues and how do you deal with it or is this just dealing with people and you cant escape it??

Thanks would appreciate hearing others insight into this.

4 replies

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In response to: SHOULDS

BlueBaySenior Contributor10 Apr 2017, 5:05 pm AEST

Re: SHOULDS

Hey @Change123
Yes yes and yes. I struggle with shoulds all the time. I struggle also with expectations and I just can't accept it.
Is this a BPD thing?

In response to: SHOULDS

KurraSenior Contributor10 Apr 2017, 8:06 pm AEST

Re: SHOULDS

Hi @Change123
I try very hard not to have expectations of other people. I don't always succeed though. In the sort of situation you described I remind myself that I cannot control the behaviour of other people. The only person I can change is me.

It doesn't remove the frustration of people being thoughtless but it doesn't affect me as much.
Hugzzz 💕 🎶

In response to: SHOULDS

Unknown userMember12 Apr 2017, 3:34 pm AEST

Re: SHOULDS

Hi @Change123,

Shoulds are big problem for me. But recently I've been realising that by saying that things SHOULD be a certain way, I'm essentialy saying that they are not okay until certain conditions are met, and the more conditions (read SHOULDS) I put on my experinence before I will decide that it's okay, the less often I'll actually have the experience of everything being okay. Too many shoulds means I miss perfectly good opportunities to enjoy things, and I can literally suck the life out of anything by dumping a bunch of shoulds on it, and I do it all the time, with needless petty stuff, like this should go here, or that should be like this, or they should say/do this. In terms of dealing with it, having that realisation has helped and knowing how much it affects my wellbeing has been important. I guess I'm also just trying to be aware of it, watch it, and not get caught by the SHOULD train when it's passing by in my mind. Also, swapping SHOULD for COULD has been helpful, i.e., that COULD go over there, but I guess it's okay where it is - that's my compromise!

Hope that helps!

supernova.

In response to: Re: SHOULDS

Change123Senior Contributor12 Apr 2017, 4:36 pm AEST

Re: SHOULDS

Thanks @Former-Member

That makes good sense and I think I will try the "could" swap in stead.

This is probably the thing I struggle with at most at the moment.

Next time I will try to be mindful and if I think " this should happen..." I will then replace that with " well it could be like this...."

I do say to myself at those times, "dont have expectations of others, dont get upset if they dont meet my expectations" I do get it but I cant stop the brain getting angry so definitely more work with that.

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