I dont know how to help my husband

Hi @Mill,

Welcome to the Forums, and thanks for writing your first post. Things sounds incredibly challenging with your husband. On the one hand, your want your marraige to get through this, but on the other hand, you're concerned about the impact that this having on your children.

When I read your post, I got the sense that you're carrying a huge load for both you and your husband. As you even mentioned, you push feelings aside to support your husband. If you are not looking after you, who is? If things were to remain like this for another 5 years, what would that be like for you?

Its important to know that you are not responsible for someone else's actions. You can never make anyone do anything - someone else's behaviours and decisions is beyond your control. It might be helpful to focus on the things you can change.

While your husband may not be willing to help or make any changes, it doesn't mean that you can't make some changes to improve the situation for you and your kids. It may even change things between you and your husband. I can't tell you exactly what changes might be useful for you, but it might be helpful to see a counsellor or psychologist yourself. It can help to get this load of your shoulders so you're carrying it on your own, and through this process you can also gain new insights.

It very hard to get someone help if they don't want it. But if you're husband is at immediate risk, don't hesitate to get in contact with emergency services - they may be able to do an assessment and he is assess as being at immediately at risk, they admit him into hospital involuntarily.

There are other people on here who also care for the partners. You mind find 'the ups and downs of a husband's mental illness' useful. In that thread @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Maryjune all talk about some of the challenges of caring for their husbands. I wonder if they might be able to offer some advice. You might also also find 'How do I help someone who doesn't want help?' Feel free to add to that to these threads.

Hi @Mill and welcome to the forums.

I have a husband in denial with an eating disorder. I am going to refer to it as Manorexia, because the general presentation in men is that they are focussed on muscle acquisition, which makes them heavy on the scales for their size, and aerobic activity that burns off all the super-healthy meals they appear to be chowing down. There are many other associated behaviours ... body dysmorphia, other disordered food behaviours, OCD behaviours, distorted thinking, and a controlling mindset. We have also walked a path of emotional abuse, and I recognised that if I didn't find a way to curb that, I would have to take our now-adult children and leave the marriage, for my safety and theirs. Not all bruises are physical.

I thought eating disorders were about distorted body image. They include that, but they are a serious mental illness in fact ..... learning on the job here ....

One way I curbed my husband's behaviour was to start attending a psychologist for moral support for myself. The first step in doing that would be to go to your GP, who I hoped you have confided in already, and I believe it is possible to have a mental health plan drawn up that gives you lower cost or free visits .... in any case the dr can tell you. I chose not to do this, as my husband was trying to paint me as having mental health issues as a way of deflecting attention from his own, and I feel it is important to keep that area clear for the kids to be able to trust in my judgement. Yours are still too young for that to be an issue. Knowing that I was talking to someone about his behaviour toned him down.

Another thing I ended up doing was speaking up to the family doctor in my husband's presence, which was excruciating, and resulted in him telling me our marriage was over, but it meant that I got the truth out there .... the dr had cited privacy laws to not listen to me without my husband present as my husband had lost an extreme amount of weight under this dr's care, and continues to disguise his eating disordered symptoms. It's not sustainable indefinitely, so we are in that unenviable position of waiting for him to wake up, or suffer a health crisis - minor or major, we don't know.

When I refer to him "waking up" it's because there is a behaviour model called Stages of Change that looks like this ....

https://www.health.qld.gov.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0026/425960/33331.pdf

Your husband and mine are in the Precontemplative stage. In this stage, my husband's hostility and un-preparedness to accept that he is unwell would cause him to destroy all his relationships if we were to leave him. Even if his illness were discovered in the process or afterwards, there are some things that don't go back together, and as a family the kids and I have decided to keep trying to "walk him home".

Living with this sort of problem long-term generally leads to situational depression in the spouse, so it is imperative for your own mental health that you develop a support base. A psychologist or support services for families battling with depression in their midst is a good starting point - perhaps Black Dog Institute ?

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au

It is important for you and the kids that your family know what is going on, but get educated first, so you can explain to them that his is in the hostile stage of denial, and you have to tread carefully. That, of course, needs to be your decision, but it is what I imagine support services will advise you to do ...

You are not alone, and yes, it helps so much to be able to tell somebody what you are going through. Here for you when if / when you want to chat.

🌷💜

F&H

Hello @Mill

how are you today ??

My hubby has clincal depression , major depression and inherited depression , which are all long term depression which he has had all his life

he has been on and off his meds , cancelled all help , won`t see the doctor , had a lot of ups and downs

It took me a while that what he said , he didn`t mean to say , I would drop suggestions , his seems to go around in cycles

Until 2 years ago he had a build up of things happen which he ended up taking himself to hospital, he was able to leave after a couple of weeks ,with new meds

but now he want to start going off them with no support

is there anyone that he listens too , sometimes it helps if it comes from someone else that they need help

Wow your story and life sound identical to mine! I feel you pain. I have spent 10 years with his mental illness no now and it has only gotten worse. It is affecting the children for sure and myself. The stress he has caused me almost killed me last year causing an aneurysm in my brain to rupture. I now have a neurological disability so he has also cost me my career. He takes no responsibility nor does he show compassion or remorse. He drinks excessively and is passive aggressive. The children love it when he travels back to work because of the chaos he causes. He never does anything with the family. Of course I am planning to sell the house and move away from him because he won't help himself. Yes he has been suicidal on many occasions and it is a constant concern of mine but if I don't look after myself as I didn't last year, where does that leave the children? My advice to you is to leave if he has little insight and is resisting help because in the end you will all be dragged down as you are already now. My teenage daughter won't have her friends over when he is home for embarrassment with his bizarre comments and behaviour. Now that is just WRONG and for some time now I dare not to take him to any functions at school because he just gets drunk or isn't interested anyway. He would rather sleep in until noon and stare at his phone than participate in family activities. Good luck to you