How do I help someone who doesn't want help?

Hi There,

I am a mother of three adult children. My two daughters (aged 37 and 46) have displayed behaviour that indicate they might be suffering from either Borderline Personality Disorder or extreme anxiety.

I spend as much time with them as I can and we have many carefree and fun time together. However, I am aware that things can change suddenly. They both experience sudden and exaggerated mood swings and are often extremely distressed, anxious and angry. I listen calmly, without judgement and try not to be affected, but I know they need specialist help. When I suggest this I am met with increased anger, verbal agression and ranting.

I too, would like advice on how I can help and encourage my beauitful daughters seek help.

Regards, M

There's nothing you can do except be there and do what you are doing now cocliquot.He has to want the help and make sure any issues raised are by him not you.Just keep the lines of communication open and don't make him your project.Go to breakfast or whatever to show your support but being Dr Phil will get you nowhere and do more harm than good.

Mary-Jo I suffer the issues you describe with a diagnosis of general anxiety disorder and severe depression,the emotional distress can be crippling.I have to say the same thing just be there and keep the lines of communication open.I realise you are concerned .Just keep checking in with them ,and if they do open up let them decide what to do about their feelings.

You are both frustrated but it is up to them to realise if they have a problem and need help to change.

Although I appreciate your reply, I find it a little off-putting that you would mention that I might be making him my project or attempting to play Dr. Phil. I am curious to know if I can do more as he does not have a support network here in the NT - his friends and family are all down south. He doesn't know I'm seeking help on his behalf and I would never EVER bring it up with him. As I mentioned, I have dealt with depression myself but everyone is different and everyone needs to be approached somewhat differently. I am simply asking to see if there is something I can do differently, from other people who may be having some luck coming from a different angle. It's becoming increasingly hard for me as well, with friends and mutual acquaintances telling me that I should cut him out of my life and that he's a tosser and adds "no value". I'm pretty sure I've gotten a bit of a reputation myself simply for defending him sometimes to other people who say nasty things about him behind his back. Being with him is draining sometimes and I can cop a fair bit of anger and nastiness from him. There have been times when I've found myself in tears after speaking to him, but if I didn't care about being the best possible friend, I would have cut him out and I wouldn't have sought out this forum 🙂

It wasn't a personal attack ,just general advice.By your response,I think you need to question your own mental state at the moment as if I put myself in your shoes as someone who has suffered depression I realise I couldn't handle the pressure and that I am no good to him if I feel this way..I have a similar situation with my mother,who undermines me,and I cop anger, nastiness and projection of problems that aren't mine..I know you care for him but it may come at too high of a price for yourself.I hope someone else can offer advice. There's nothing you can do except be there for him, check in with him but make sure you take time out to look after yourself.

I wish I didn't reply to this thread because I feel I have been made out to be a mean person.I have had similar behaviour to that of your daughter's according to my family .My eldest sister and mother got a policeman and doctor to the house in 2001 I was treated with the utmost disrespect,accused of things to this day I know wasn't true,worked in a small town which when this got out I copped crap for which contributed greatly to my breakdown 4 years ago.I haven't spoken to my sister since, and it is something I will never forgive my mother for.As mentioned my mother takes things out on me,and undermines me,my sister had issues of herself.I got help for anxiety and depression past few years which has been nothing but made me feel more vulnerable ,humiliated and did more harm than good.I know you are frustrated but your daughter's are adults and unfortunately unless you are legal guardian they have to work this out for themselves and sometimes you have to reach rock bottom to do this.If you haven't done so I urge you to chat to someone on the helpline or call lifeline to vent your concerns.It is concerning,I read the other day over half of the ones on disability in years to come will be those suffering depression and other mental health issues.It is a huge society problem .If ever they do get help ,I hope they find the right help,as that is hard to find at times.

Hi

Oh my, it sounds so similar to my situation. My husband decided he wished to leave me, after his business unexpectedly ended (failed). We were married for 30 years. His usual behaviour was, (I recognise the patterns now) - when he did not cope, was to project his unhappiness and anger onto me and push me away, so I understand how exhausting that can feel. I felt I needed to block that negative energy. Yet all he wished for was my love and attention and intimacy, yet I felt pushed away, I did my best to stay positive and happy, and open to any communication. It was exhausting. I felt he was unaware of his own behaviour. Years ago he was thought to have BPD, though I think depression. It is hard not to make him my project, as I feel I have been perceived to be a bad person, his family have all rejected me and refuse to talk to me in any shape or form. I could not have been a kinder, more generous, flexible, supportive, loving wife (when he was not projecting). I suggested to my ex, please come to councelling, and his reply was - what so I can be diagnosed with a mental disorder, which of course was not the case. I feel so bewildered and hurt, - I have been seeing several psychologists for the last two years, as I feel so sad, that our relationship ended, and to try and find out what I could do better, and what I was responsible for. He told me, I needed to recognise my behaviour if I was to have another new relationship - how that hurt. They all said I was too kind and too patient. he refused to talk, from day one, he simply detached after his business ended. And I felt he made is disappointment in himself - transferred to be me - our relationship. Before ending, he told me he had seen 30 girls he fancied an intimate relationship with - wow, how that hurt, I had just financially supported him for a couple of years, encouraging him to surf and sail, and recover from his loss. I felt I should be receiving love and being thanked for all my love and support. He said to me, he did his business for so long, as I was too supportive, and that the kindness and support I gave him, and work I did, as his business made little income for 5 years - that I was a fool to make my sacrifices to ease his pain!!! I loved him, and when I saw him struggle, I simply did my best to help. His mother was unable to care for him when he was a baby, as there were 18 month old twins (one with downs syndrome) - those twins now would be 60 years old. - abandonment issues? I have three beautiful boys, yet I keep picturing myself jumping off a cliff.

My ex has refused to acknowledge me (he lived next door) - torture - to be ignored by the man I love - was and is torture - and even worse to be perceived in a way that is twisted hurts.

Being in his head, yes my ex was not present, I could see him, yet he did not engage in "life" - he did little to help, for many many years, and if I asked, I was told I was demanding, I did everything. If I asked him, kindly - I was told "I am not jumping to your tune" - "I will come when I am ready" - of course it often did not happen... and I would have done the task... then he would be angry with me,.... when he I believe he was really disappointed in himself.

So what to do --- I wish I could help you.

I began by asking him to come to councelling - he refused. I so wished to save our marriage.

I would ring him, and say Please sweetie, I feel you have got the situation incorrectly perceived. I would email him, saying Please ..... can we talk, please dont leave, lets at least talk. We have so much to offer each other, and my family is so important to me, please dont go, not after all we got through, our boys, etc.

So 2 years later, every email, ignored, every call ignored, his family ignore me, I am perceived as a bad person. Everyone I know and have meet seem to like and admire me, and I like me. So 3000 + rejections, I feel devastated. I wished to help my husband, and save our marriage. So my advise. Respect they do not want to talk. They have to wish to heal themselves, if they ever realise they may have a problem. There is nothing you can do.

hello @cocliquot

I have had severe clinical depression and anxiety for some time now. I too can manage my symptoms most times. As a result it is easy to become complacent. Life circumstances, challenges build up and up and before you know it .... wham it rears it's ugly head.

I also have a son diagnosed late last year with paranoid schizophrenia; he does not believe the diagnosis is correct. He has fled the state and cut off all contact details from all of his family. He contacts us by a different mobile and no caller id is displayed.

I had just cut short my appointment with my psychiatrist today because I was too overwhelmed with grief worrying about my son losing everything that he has bought as well as a place he is renting on his own with beautiful views, that he loves and mean so much to him. I have gleamed all of this from my last phone call with him about a month ago. His paranoia has worsened and it is purely a waiting game for him being detected as unwell then detained. This is only a bandaid stop as he will be released and probably be homeless again. He is the only one who can help himself because he is an adult. Until he recognises that the voices are part of an illness that needs to be addressed nothing will improve for him.

Your question is valid, important, caring,he means a lot to you I can tell. More people should be asking the same question. No room for apathy.

I wish I had the answer. Your friend must be in so much pain. His mood swings do not sound like merely depression/anxiety. He definitely needs a medical diagnosis from a specialist not gp.

How to get him there? I dont remember reading about his family. Has something happened there? It sounds as though he lets his guard down and laughs, is free to be himself only to rein those feelings back in .... grief, trauma we dont know. we only know that he does need help. If you were to take him to a doctor or a hospital when he was willing, he still has to attend medical sessions, most likely take medication after.

I think what the others were trying to tell you is that no matter how much we see someone suffering, how painful that is for us to witness, they are the ones who ultimately make the decision do I need help? do i get help?

The others want to remind you as I have been reminded myself, we have to look after our own health first and foremost. Our health will be affected, worsen, build up unnoticed, hidden behind our emotional longing to help the ones who are important to us in our life.

Please know that you have done a wonderful thing in trying to help your friend this far, you can still help him, listen to him, dont advise, whilst at the same time knowing when to set some boundaries.

There is a thread on here, or a section about just that. When we are swimming in the deep emotion we cant find things that normally would be so simple.

Everyone on here has there own story, their own grief so I ask you not to judge or feel hurt as I know that you are feeling great pain. This is when we are most sensitive.

Thank you for posting. You have helped me just by reading your story at a time where I was so distraught I was beside myself.