Topic Wednesday // Managing Conflict // 26 April, 7 - 9pm AEST

My childhood family was rife with verbal and physical abuse. When conflict arises for me, I tend to withdraw completely, as I did as a child to survive. I often cannot handle any kind of aggression.

I try to remain calm knowing that raised voices or verbal attacks will only exacerbate a situation.

I am terrible with conflict for two main reasons

firstly, I hate it

secondly, if someone questions me I take it personally, I like to be the way calling the shots, especially in relation to my family.

I might confess though that, when feeling backed into a corner, I can lash out verbally. Another thing I have inherited from childhood it seems, but happens very rarely these days. Mostly it's withdrawal and avoidance at even the first sight of conflict.

It depends on what the conflict is about. A simple difference of opinion doesn't have to result in WW3. It's okay to think diffferently about trivial matters. It shouldn't be a case of someone imposing their views on another person or berating them for feeling differently about something.

@soul this is an incredibly difficult situation where it sounds like you are almost bullied into changing your perspective so it aligns with your partners. It is complicated by him holding perceptions or beliefs that were bordering on paranoia.

In situations such as these when someone is being volatile or aggressive it is always important to put your safety first, nothing is more important than that.

You arise an important point here though as being met with aggression of very common in conflict. Which brings us to a strategy...if one person is not in the right frame of mind and is angry, anxious, irritable or if things are escalating, this is an important indicator to put the discussion on pause. If someone is feeling emotional when discussing matters of conflict, they arent able to access the part of their brain that will allow them to rationally discuss the matter to come to a resolution. So it is important to take a break there and come back to it at another time when everyone is calm.

This can be easier said then done and sometimes depending on what is happening for the other person, an abrupt ending to the conversation may not be possible. However you can try to make clear the discuss is not a constructive one and it will be returned to at a later time. Sometimes going to another room or going for a walk, etc can be helpful here.

Does anyone have any strategies they use when things escalate during conflict?

@Former-Member, I think you are right about trying to put things on hold if things are too volatile, or if they go round and round in circles too long. Going out for a walk, retreating to another room, that kind of thing sounds helpful, though, as you say, not always possible.

They are very good points you have made @Former-Member. Someone with a MI can become very defensive if their judgement is put into question and go full on into attack mode in an instant. I know it all too well.

I was often put in a situation where something was upsetting my partner (this could be real or imagined). I would try to offer an explanation and all of a sudden I was accused of siding with them and not having his back.

Most conflict in our house at the moment centres around our daughter and her ED. The strategy I use most often when things really esculate is to remove myself. This is very difficult for me to do as my daughter can literally keep going for hours, so upon my return she starts up again. She has also locked me in the house or physically prevented me from leaving. She also sees me as leaving as not supporting her.