More Loss

Hi, I wanted to let people know how I became to discover a forum like this... I was at home watching a stream of stuff on my phone when I saw Prince Harry appear- he started talking about his mother Diana and his grief. He had been seeing a grief counsellor who had told him that he is grieving his mother because our brains trick us and lead us to believe that the deceased person is still around. 8 hadn't thought of my father or his passing for years until I moved close to our old home town two and a half years ago and now there are so many memories, and life isn't making much sense. His influence is present here and I'm disgraced to say that it feels like other people have evolved his life into something else. It feels like he is being used all time and he is dead. Like people took his words when he was alive and turned them into something else after he died just tó suit them. I hate it. So, I googled grief and found this site and here I am. I am leaving town in a few short months as soon as I can. But Im afraid i won't forget what has gone on here and I'm damaged again in someway. Being here is like someone ( the family) just took a big gust of wind and sucked the life out of me. All that success, and hard work just to be stolen, all that overcoming, overcome, Overcome- feels like it was all just taken away becaúse people got greedy. Like they took my cookies and locked me out of the house. The good news is, I don't live with my family and I can pick up the peices of myself without them. All I get is a stupid sense of competition from them. I remember how miserable they were , how miserable it was to live with my narsassistic mother and nasty little siblings. I've even been through DV with and becausé of them. My mother has always been a bit crazy, like rob from Peter to give to Paul - and I know she mistreats me on Purpose thinking the other siblings benefit that way-out and everyone gets what they want. She's 71. It is gut wrenching to know that even as a child- I was manipulated. Nothing I can do about it- except try to heal again and move forward. She drinks too much, smokes too much and plays pokies tó much. I even know she doesn't understand a lot of this stuff but that does not make her innocent- it makes her more cruel. She is an adult living in denial. 11 months of psychology sessions, and a lifetime of pain. God help.