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Managing relationships

i’m the evil one

nahseaNew Contributor

i’m the evil one

i’ve been talking to a man for a few months now, we’ve hung out, slept at each others houses, gone out together, and always find each other in social settings.

im terrified of commitment, i like to hang on to a good thing but i live in fear of it running away as thats all that’s ever happened to me, and in turn i switch to the nearest escape route that will justify my actions in my own head

I was at another party, without him, drunk, and slept in another man’s bed and have been talking to him for the past week

Man 1 found out about this through a mutual friend of him and Man 2. He confronted me and has called things off, rightfully so. I led him on, didn’t tell him what i wanted, and was also unfaithful in the process.

During our exchange he said he never would’ve gone for a girl like me if it wasn’t for being connected through friends, and that he had criteria that i had never fit, but he saw past it to stay with me.

I feel horrified about what i’ve done but aware i wasn’t empathetic enough to stop myself in the moment. I’ve been sick to my stomach. The awareness of how i’ve impacted him is harrowing as i’ve been on the receiving end many times before (and i believe is part of the reason i reacted in such a way).

Im heartbroken and inconsolable, i had a real chance at something good and ruined it through fear of opening up any further to him.

I’ve apologised now, but that’s not a way to rectify my wrongdoings.

My past has left me in such a vulnerable place when it comes to getting to know new people. and i’ve let that manifest in hurting someone who had no intention of harming me in the same way.

Im at a loss of how to process this or find a way to solve it.

5 replies

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In response to: i’m the evil one

Ru-beeModerator

Re: i’m the evil one

Hi @nahsea and welcome to the forums

I know it's not easy to reach out in a new space and discuss something so vulnerably, but it can be a great step in making change, and I'm hearing this is something that you're wanting to do.

Relationships are hard, especially when we are all bringing our past history and fears. It sounds as though you've got quite a good understanding of what may have influenced your actions, which is a big step in itself, its understandable that you'd be feeling a bit stumped on where to go from here. Sometimes its helpful to have someone to talk to, that can help you process and find solutions - have you thought about talking to a counsellor about this before? SANE also has 1-1 supports they can offer through our RecoveryClub Welcome to SANE’s Recovery Club

And of course the community here can offer great insights too so I hope that you keep on reaching out!

In response to: i’m the evil one

Misty7Senior Contributor

Re: i’m the evil one

Hi@nahsea

It is brave of you to come on here and open up. There would be reasons why things have happened the way they have. It sounds like you could have some sort of trauma or someone betrayed you in your past. The only way to get to the root of the problem is to get help on this. I recommend seeing a GP that has an interest in mental health so they can refer you to see someone for therapy. For the time been maybe avoid relationships until things have been worked on.

In response to: i’m the evil one

DahliaDreamsSenior Contributor

Re: i’m the evil one

Hello @nahsea

Thanks for sharing your story with us. You are not evil or bad or anything like that, I hope you will not see yourself that way. Maybe you made a mistake because you are human, but it's okay, we all make mistakes. Perhaps it was not meant to work out with this Man no.1, because you are not ready for commitment yet, or perhaps you will have another chance with him one day, who knows? You apologized and that's all you can do. It was good of you to do that, it shows that you take responsibility for yourself.

I hope you will be able to get some counselling for support, as others here have suggested. It can be a relief to share your feelings with someone in a safe space.

When I was younger, I had a lot of relationship upheavals, I never knew what I was doing or why. It was a confusing time. I'm sure I hurt a few people along the way and was also hurt by others. Eventually, with time, you do come to understand yourself and your actions and you learn to become very compassionate towards yourself. Don't be hard on yourself @nahsea . Be kind to yourself.

In response to: i’m the evil one

JustWhelmedSenior Contributor

Re: i’m the evil one

Oh @nahsea that "I usually have criteria that you don't fit but I looked past it" comment.... That's a pretty crappy thing for them to say, in my opinion, and that he even said it makes me feel like maybe it wasn't as good a thing as you thought. It's very petty.

*Hugs* we all make mistakes and are far from perfect. I think seeking some support to help you understand yourself, like yourself a bit more, and would make relationships a bit easier to navigate.

In response to: i’m the evil one

Misty7Senior Contributor

Re: i’m the evil one

Hi@nahsea

I'm not a doctor but you could have BPD borderline personality disorder. Do you tend to sabotage good things before they can develop?

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