Feeling Blue for 2 Weeks.

Hi@DahliaDreams

I am not my usual self today. Feeling a bit stressed, my bird is unwell so I am also emotional.

Sometimes you have to say no. I myself am not good at dealing with things like loss. I really struggle with that kind of thing. Not everyone can do that kind of thing like attending anything related to funerals. At least your friend knows you are there for her even if you can't attend certain things. You could maybe send her a card and flowers to the funeral or funeral home.

If you lose friends it means that they were not genuine friends and just acquaintances. It's not because you don't care it's because you need to look after yourself also

I found a psychologist that is bulk billed https://nextstepwellness.com.au

https://someone.health/

https://www.mymirror.com.au/medicare/bulk-billing-psychologists

Hi @Misty7

I am sorry to hear that your bird is unwell. Can I ask what type of bird you have? I love birds.

I made the difficult decision to not have any more pets after my last pet died. I think that it was the right decision for me.

Thanks for all the resources for bulk-billed psychologists. It's pretty amazing what's available these days. All they need now is a bulk billing GP attached to one of these online services to write up the mental health care plan, and then the whole thing would be accessible online and (hopefully) free! This would be great.

I'm kind of stable and holding today. I'm a bit glum, but it's no worse and possibly a little better. I think that if it weren't for my friend suffering such a tragic loss, then I would be feeling okay.

Hi @Radder

Yep, as far as my friend goes, I've been talking to her on the phone each day and that seems to be enough for us both at the moment. Luckily, I don't think she is holding it against me that I was too overwhelmed to go to the funeral home with her. The whole thing is very tragic, and she already had some mental health issues to begin with. It is going to be a long road to recovery I think.

How are you doing today?

Thanks for the update @DahliaDreams, I’m good thanks and it’s good to hear your friendship is strong.

Hi @Radder , @Misty7

how are you both? I hope your bird is recovering Misty7.

I am going okay, a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head to do with my friend. I feel like I am under pressure to help her. She wanted to pass on my number to a friend of hers, so I kind of dread getting a call now. If she is feeling terrible, then she will ask the friend to call me to come over for back-up support or something. It's nothing really - but these kind of things fill me with dread. Of course, I said yes to giving out my number, but I was put on the spot and could hardly say no.

The next thing I'm thinking is that I won't answer my phone to any numbers I don't know - just in case. I really, really do not want to go back over there. I am not in the right headspace to support someone through grief right now.

I know this kind of thinking is crazy, but I get very wound up in thinking what I should and shouldn't do. I suppose it is the way I was brought up, believing that I always had to serve others and put myself last.

My challenge today is to stay firm and not go over there if I am summoned.

Hi @DahliaDreams

There is no shame in looking after yourself first, you can't effectively help people if you are not in a good place. Yet, at the same time, it's understandable such situations may cause you angst. A possible compromise, if you are feeling up to it, is to recognise that in these situations you only need to listen. There is no need to provide advice, just keep the ball in their court by reflecting back what you are hearing, asking them to elaborate on their points. They do all the work, your "support" is just to provide a compassionate and attentive ear so they feel heard.

When I'm supporting people in this way I remind myself I'm walking alongside them but never in their shoes. I don't take on their distress by thinking "what would I feel if that was me". Its their life to experience, not mine, and its disrespectful to "try on their life" myself.

But I must reiterate that self-care comes first always, and it's perfectly acceptable to excuse yourself from supporting someone if it will end up with both of you suffering.

Do you feel like elaborating on the feeling of "dread" you describe?

Hi@DahliaDreams

Thankyou for your kind words. I sense the distress you are feeling. I am not good at dealing with other people's loss or my own especially when I have my own stress to deal with. You're friend while been well intentioned has kind of crossed the line a little. That dread your feeling it's there for a reason. I honestly believe that it is a traumatic response that needs to be processed through EMDR to decrease it. Your friends distress and current issues might be a trigger.

Your friend is understandably going through a lot but not understanding the impact it has on you. She is under going immense grief and shock which too is traumatic. Which can add to your possible trauma. You won't be able to take that on without it been detrimental to you. You need support as much as she does.

I think honesty is the best policy that's all you can do at this time. Been really honest with her and telling her that it's bringing up a lot of for you and tell her you aren't coping well.

Hello @Radder and @Misty7

Thank you both for reaching out with reassurance. I was pretty wound up yesterday morning about what might happen and how I might handle it. The feeling of dread is something I know too well.

It's probably to do with other people having high expectations of me - I think it's because I am quick to show caring and kindness and then I kind of feel I've set a high standard that I can't live up to. Also, it's fear of being judged as defective, for not doing enough for people or getting it all wrong.

I suppose it comes from repeated criticism while I was growing up.

Fortunately, I didn't get a phone call yesterday and I was busy all day, so I feel better now.

If I do get a phone call from my friend (or her friend), I think I will be able to handle it constructively.

How are you both doing today? It's going to be a nice day here and I have a project to work on with my partner.

Hi @dahliadream I think those contributing factors are quite likely. Perhaps recognise you are not the same person you were back then - you have years more life experience, and that's how we gain wisdom over time.

If you define yourself based on others' views, then you are not in control of your life - they are. Ultimately, you can't control their opinions. So perhaps work on what is within your control. Try listing your strengths and develop pride in living life in your own unique way, regardless of what others think. You need to love yourself first.