sunbear22Casual Contributor
Left heartbroken by my therapist
In June my therapist of 8 years experimented with a therapy modality she was not trained in correctly with me, without warning me or explaining it to me and without proper follow up. She was perfect except for that and it was a really dark time for me, but I couldn't face ending things with her because I felt she recognized her mistakes and was incredibly apologetic. I told her my trust needed to be repaired slowly with her and she understood.
There were some texts she sent to me not too long after I told her how hurtful that therapy was, and after I told her not to text me anymore if there was something important to tell me she was welcome to call me. She said she would not text me anymore.
I took a few months off seeing her, and whilst I was online about to book an appointment she sent me a text saying she was hoping I was okay and that if she wasn't the right fit for me she understands. I replied telling her I appreciate she meant well but I had asked her not to text me.
I ended up seeing her a few more times after that. They were really helpful and we were moving forward. I did not feel like a well person during this period and it was a source of peace being able to talk with her and receiving support.
I am very stubborn and wary about taking medication. I have been taking an SSRI for over half a decade, it is not working. I have tried multiple SSRIs before that too. I have not been sleeping either.
I recently had an appointment to see her and then had to race to get to a Dr's appt in time. They gave me a script for a sleep aid. My therapist texted me the next day asking if I got help at my GP appointment. I was furious that she had texted me again, but I did not have the emotional energy to once again remind her of my boundaries. I just replied yes I got it. She then replied with dosage advice which conflicted with what my GP had said. I planned to take a long break from her after that.
In her DBT class a few years back, we learned about interpersonal effectiveness skills and one of them is using the acronym DEAR MAN to ask for what you want. I find it ironic and almost sadly funny that I have needed to use the DEAR MAN skill against the person who taught me about it in the first place and it didn't even work. What is that teaching me? Feels like getting kicked when you're already down.
The day after that, she once again texted me with suggestions for medication I should ask my Dr for. I broke and asked her to call me. She did and I just asked her what she was thinking? I called her out on the fact she is not a psychiatrist or pharmacist and how she has once again done what I had asked her not to do, which I thought was very simple. She stuttered a lot. She was completely surprised I was so upset. Then she told me since she keeps making me so upset maybe she is not the right fit for me. I hate that she said that!!! Because I already know that, but when it comes from her it feels like I'm being abandoned like I often feel I am. I wanted to be the one to get to that point first.
Her argument for still texting me and texting me medical advice is that she works alongside psychiatrists in hospitals and has done for years. She texted me as she thought this was different as I did ask her what kind of wording I should use with my GP in our last appointment, and her texts weren't along the lines of 'thinking of you' like they had previously been. She said she was incredibly worried about me and I do remind her of one of her daughters. We have known each other for 8 years and she has never been like this before. I am totally fine with bending rules and not having rules for rules' sake depending on the situation, maybe she knows this of me and that's why she thought this was okay.
She didn't say it, but I am really wondering if she thinks I am overreacting or rejecting her help due to some kind of trauma. I sincerely hope not.
The saddest thing is that this could all be fine if she just had called me and asked if she could give advice or just waited until our next session.
I think I have to 'break up' with her and it honestly is reminding me of times where I've had to end actual relationships. The feeling is like waking up in the morning and hoping it was all a nightmare, and then coming to and realizing this is just the sick reality you are stuck in.
I don't have many people in my life, I was already doing so bad I already don't want to be here and now this. I don't think I can do it and plan on telling her I just don't want to see her for a while and will be trying to find a psychologist in the meantime. This sounds weird, but I think if someone close to me passed away I would go to her about it because she knows about everyone in my life. I can't begin to explain how much I don't want to do all this. I want her to say sorry and I want to forgive her and move on but I can't. This is just too much.
I went to urgent mental health care last night and besides being in a safe place for a few hours no one could help. I lied to them and told them they did help because they were nice and they tried their best. I have never felt so alone.
I don't expect any replies because this is so long but I needed to get it out there. I am very open to people's advice or opinions on this though. Thank you.
