Is this coercive control?

I’m a woman in my twenties, and I’ve been with my partner for approximately 10 months. I’m posting anonymously because I’m genuinely trying to understand whether what I’m experiencing is emotional abuse, coercive control, or simply a relationship with significant communication problems.

I’ve never experienced what I would consider an abusive relationship before. In previous relationships, I generally felt loved, supported and emotionally secure.

This relationship has been completely different, and I feel like I’ve slowly lost myself.

How our relationship started

When we first met, my partner was incredibly affectionate and attentive. He bought me gifts, wrote me beautiful love letters and made me feel very loved.

I genuinely believed I’d found someone I could build a future with.

Eventually, I moved away from my hometown to live with him. This meant leaving behind my familiar surroundings and starting a new chapter somewhere I didn’t have the same support network.

Initially, I was excited about our future together.

However, as time went on, I started noticing changes in our relationship.

1. His sudden mood changes make me feel like I’m walking on eggshells

One of the biggest things I’ve struggled with is how quickly his mood can change.

He can be completely happy and relaxed one minute, and suddenly become visibly frustrated or angry over something relatively minor.

When he’s angry, he sometimes yells, swears or throws objects. There have been occasions when things have broken.

I want to clarify that he isn’t necessarily directing this behaviour towards me. However, witnessing it makes me uncomfortable and anxious.

I’ve started becoming extremely sensitive to even the slightest changes in his mood.

I can immediately sense when he’s becoming irritated, and I find myself monitoring what I say or do because I don’t want to make things worse.

Sometimes I feel anxious before even bringing up something that bothers me because I don’t know how he’ll react.

I don’t remember ever feeling this way around a previous partner.

2. Whenever I explain that something has hurt me, the conversation becomes about his intentions

This has been one of the most emotionally exhausting aspects of our relationship.

If he says something that hurts my feelings, I’ll try to calmly explain what he said, how it came across and why it upset me.

Instead of acknowledging my feelings, he often becomes defensive.

He’ll explain that he didn’t mean it that way, that I’ve misunderstood him or that he never actually said what I’m suggesting.

I understand that someone’s intentions and the impact of their words can be different.

However, I feel like my emotions are constantly being debated rather than acknowledged.

Sometimes he’ll say things along the lines of:

• “I can’t say anything right.”
• “Everything I do is wrong.”
• “I’m going to have to turn into a robot.”
• That I’m being too sensitive or misunderstanding him.

The original issue then becomes about how frustrated he feels that I’ve raised a concern.

I end up spending so much time explaining myself that I feel emotionally exhausted.

Often, I leave these conversations feeling worse than when they started.

3. A specific example involving a disagreement about our pet

One afternoon, I came home from a psychology appointment and mentioned that we needed to organise transferring one of our pets into my name.

He immediately disagreed with what I was saying.

That wasn’t necessarily the problem. I understand that two people can have different opinions or understandings of something.

What upset me was how quickly he dismissed what I was suggesting.

He became frustrated and said something along the lines of, “You’re not listening to me.”

I felt like he wasn’t genuinely considering what I was saying and was approaching the conversation as though he was automatically correct.

Later, I tried explaining that it wasn’t about who was right or wrong. It was about how he communicated with me.

I explained that I would have preferred him to acknowledge my suggestion and calmly explain why he thought something different.

Instead, he became increasingly frustrated.

He said he hadn’t called me stupid or explicitly said the things I felt his tone implied.

He also made comments about how he couldn’t say anything right and would have to become a robot.

I left the conversation feeling like I wasn’t allowed to be upset unless he agreed that his behaviour justified my feelings.

This type of interaction has happened repeatedly throughout our relationship.

4. An incident involving my clothing

On another occasion, we were preparing to go somewhere together.

He questioned what I was wearing, saying something along the lines of, “Are you really wearing that?”

He also suggested we might not even be allowed into the venue dressed that way.

I felt embarrassed and judged by how he approached it.

When I tried explaining why his comments upset me, the conversation escalated into another disagreement.

He later suggested that understanding the dress expectations should have been common sense.

I wasn’t necessarily upset that he had an opinion about my clothing. It was the way he expressed it and how the conversation unfolded afterwards.

It made me feel belittled rather than supported.

5. I tried to end the relationship, but we stayed together

After one particularly upsetting disagreement, I reached a point where I felt completely emotionally exhausted.

I told him that I felt like I was losing myself and that I wanted to break up.

I also made it clear that I didn’t want him to try to convince me to stay.

He became very emotional and cried.

He asked me not to leave while he was unemployed and described what had happened as another misunderstanding.

I felt conflicted because I still loved him and didn’t want to hurt him.

Ultimately, we stayed together.

However, the underlying problems haven’t gone away, and I still find myself feeling the same way.

Looking back, I’m questioning whether I stayed because I genuinely believed things would change or because I felt guilty about leaving.

6. I’ve spent months believing the problem was my communication

This is something I find particularly confusing.

Until recently, I wasn’t even considering the possibility that I might be experiencing emotional abuse.

I genuinely believed we were simply struggling to communicate effectively.

I spent months researching healthy communication, emotional intelligence, relationship dynamics and ways to express my needs more clearly.

I tried explaining my feelings in different ways.

I tried being more patient.

I tried understanding his perspective.

I tried finding better words so he wouldn’t feel criticised.

But regardless of how carefully I approached things, I kept experiencing the same emotional reactions.

Eventually, I started feeling like I was responsible for managing both my own emotions and his reactions.

I began questioning whether I was simply too sensitive or expecting too much from a relationship.

7. My psychologist mentioned coercive control

Recently, I was explaining some of our relationship difficulties to my psychologist.

I wasn’t attending therapy because I believed I was being abused.

I was discussing what I thought were communication problems and how emotionally difficult the relationship had become.

During our conversation, my psychologist raised the possibility of coercive control.

This genuinely surprised me.

I hadn’t been researching domestic abuse or considering that possibility.

Since then, I’ve started looking at the relationship differently.

I’m beginning to wonder whether the anxiety, emotional exhaustion and constant need to monitor his mood are signs of something more concerning than ordinary relationship disagreements.

8. I’ve become withdrawn, lonely and emotionally exhausted

This is probably the most upsetting part.

I used to feel excited about spending time with him.

I loved him deeply and genuinely imagined a future together.

Now, I often feel anxious in his presence.

I’ve become increasingly withdrawn, and sometimes I don’t even want to engage in conversations because I’m worried they’ll turn into another disagreement.

I feel incredibly lonely despite living with someone.

I’ve also noticed my mental health deteriorating.

I’m not sure whether I’ve lost romantic feelings or whether I’ve simply become so emotionally exhausted that I’m struggling to feel connected to him anymore.

Sometimes I think about leaving and imagine how peaceful it would feel not having to constantly monitor another person’s mood.

That thought brings me relief, which makes me incredibly sad.

I never expected to feel this way about someone I once loved so much.

9. I’m starting to plan how I could leave

I’ve recently started thinking seriously about ending the relationship.

However, because I moved away from my previous home and currently have practical and financial limitations, leaving isn’t something I can necessarily do immediately.

I’m trying to work towards becoming more independent so I can make that decision without feeling trapped by my circumstances.

My partner currently seems to believe everything between us is fine.

Meanwhile, internally, I’m questioning the entire relationship.

I feel guilty because I know he has positive qualities, and I don’t necessarily believe that every hurtful interaction is intentional.

But I also know that I haven’t felt emotionally safe or secure in this relationship for a long time.

What I’m hoping to understand

I would really appreciate perspectives from women who have experienced emotional abuse or coercive control, particularly those who didn’t recognise it while they were still in the relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Can a relationship be emotionally abusive even when your partner isn’t directly threatening you or physically hurting you?

Is constantly walking on eggshells around someone’s unpredictable anger a warning sign?

Does repeatedly dismissing someone’s feelings and making them question their interpretation of events fit patterns of emotional abuse?

I’m also trying to understand the difference between someone who genuinely struggles with emotional regulation and communication and someone whose behaviour becomes emotionally abusive.

I’m not looking for strangers to diagnose my partner or automatically tell me to leave.

I genuinely want to understand whether these experiences are normal relationship difficulties or whether I’ve been minimising something more serious.

Most importantly, I want to understand why I’ve gone from feeling so loved at the beginning of this relationship to feeling anxious, lonely, withdrawn and emotionally exhausted.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. I’d especially appreciate hearing from women who initially thought their relationships just had communication problems but later realised something else was happening.