Job stress

Hi, im new here and im hoping for a safe space to get some guidance.

(Sorry for a long post)

I do admin for a batch of festivals as well as work on-site for the festivals themselves.

At a recent one I was supervising the gate and the super long line to get in. After discussing with the other staff on the gate we assessed that were either getting close to or going over safe capacity for the venue. I made a judgement call to close the at the gate ticket sales and only continue with those who had already purchased a ticket. I got our social media person to post on the festival page so as to not disappoint people still making up their minds. About 2 seconds after the post went live I got a phone call from my boss, who was not on site (he had stayed home due to having active cancer treatment) and his wife screaming down the phone line at me to get the post removed and reopen the gate. Despite my better judgement I got the post removed and opened the gate up again.

Im pretty sure we went over capacity.

I am also a merchant with my own small business. I have had my stall at this type of festival in my home state for nearly 20 years. I very much enjoy running my stall and would like to get back to running it myself at festivals. As a merchant im friends or at least acquaintances with many of my fellow merchants and know what types of information we all want to hear for the current and future festivals.

Several other members of my team were also talking about future plans with merchants.

Im told that somewhere in the chatter one of the merchants has probably unknowingly mentioned some of the plans to a member of the City council for the venue area and now they are causing issues with the neighbouring council area we want to move the festival too.

When we all returned to our office after the festival I got spoken too about this and told I had 'Royally Fd Up'.

On the same day as this our social media manager, who is currently only verbally contracted on an event by event basis even though the boss treats him like a full time employee, let us know that he had been approached to travel to Italy to photograph an international sporting event. He had already checked that the dates would not clash with our events and wanted to let us all know before accepting the contract. Our boss flat out stated that No he would not be allowed to go.

That day I knew I had to leave at 3:30pm to be on time to pick up my husband from his work. I was also at the end of my teather. I drove the hour drive home bouncing between anger and wanting to cry while trying to quieten my brain wanting to tell me im a useless human being.

The boss has also recently told me he wants me to do more PA duties and less of the event admin. Im not happy with this. I enjoy the event admin side of things and would prefer to stick with this, especially since he won't pay me any more for the change in duties.

I already get paid less than what I should be getting paid especially in comparison to previous admin roles I have had even though they were in a different industry.

At our next festival im only allowed to be there for the festival days themself rather than assisting the team with set up and pack down. I have also been told im to shadow the boss closely and only speak to the people he wants to speak to. It feels like some form of weird punishment.

I would rather just stay home and get stuck into everything for the following festival.

At this same festival last year I fell and broke my wrist. I didn't know it was actually broken and out of place until I got home a week after doing the injury. Thankfully I have private medical cover because none of my expenses for xrays, surgery and physio were covered by the business.

On top of that, last Thursday night at just after midnight I got a text from my boss saying he thinks he and I need to have a chat.

I am now dreading going into the office as the chat is meant to be tomorrow.

I suspect he is wanting me to tell him if im going to walk out and leave them all or possibly yell at me again.

Officially, employment wise, I only really have a very basic verbal agreement that I do x number of hours per month and get paid a salary for it. I do not have any form of written or signed employment agreement. He pays super and tax on my wages because our company accountant told him he had to. I currently barely earn enough to cover my monthly expenses.

I don't want to walk away but having suffered through significant anxiety and depression in my previous jobs (mainly caused by being bullied and micromanaged) I do not want to slip back into the same feelings and headspace again. I have only just managed to train putting work before everything else including my own health out of myself and now I feel like im being forced back into not looking after myself and my family first.

I know my immediate response to feeling threatened is to shut down and stop engaging with everything. It makes me want to both scream and burst out crying at the same time. I also struggle with the feelings that im useless at my job and that its only a matter of time before those around me decide I am too and fire me for being incompetent. I know im not actually useless or incompetent going by the feedback I get directly from the merchants and other stakeholders I deal with.

I will do my best not to have a panic attack on my hour drive to the office tomorrow and hold it together to get the tasks I want to get completed done but I will be leaving at the time I need to in order to pick up my husband at the time he finishes work.

As a backup plan im updating my resume and have pinpointed a couple of roles I would be interested in applying for. How tomorrow goes will determine if I actually apply for any of them.

As much as I want to stay I can't risk my mental and physical health or my relationship with my husband again.