Mary8234-1111-2Casual Contributor
PTSD
Hello, I have diagnosed Mental Health and I live with the effects of trauma. I am looking for direction on what do I do now.
I moved into a shared tenancy quite a way from my own family, with my brother and his wife about 1 and a half years ago. I got a great job. It went well for 2 months and then it didn't.
My sister in law has her own Mental Health Issues and so does my brother. I did not realise how this would effect my PTSD.
My sister in law, was stressing about an event the next day. My best friend had just committed suicide and she chose that exact time to explode. She had wanted assistance with something and I was on the phone being told that my best friend had committed suicide. When I said to her, in tears, that my friend, who she knew, had killed herself she said oh boo hoo and launched a verbal attack at me. And my brother did not say a word. And that's where It started.
I choked on a piece of steak while eating dinner with them. My airway was half blocked ( petrified it was going to fully block my airway) it took me quite a bit to get it up and you could hear the blockage through loud choking breaths. They left me with it. They actually went to their room.
I did not realise what a threat to my personal safety that was until I discussed it with my daughter. She was horrified and wanted me to leave then. It was only when someone else said it that I realised how bad that could have been.
My job became more and more stressful every day, I felt confusion, forgetfullness, anxiety started low grade initially. My performance at work, while I felt I was failing every day, was contrary to colleagues opinions and I received a Kudos Award at our staff awards night.
My perception of reality was skewed and causing me real stress.
At home I progressively retreated because at times it was walking on eggshells around her moods and behaviour. I was reminded of our childhood and the fact that my brother, suffering his own traumas treated me badly. It all started to come to the surface again. My brother is still angry with our parents and would wish them dead and bring up things that was not healthy for my mental health. I finally left and have not gone back. I am still paying my share of rent and responsibilities. The lease ends in a few months.
I moved back to my family- kids/ grandkids 3 hours away from my previous address.
I have been trying to deal with familiar, deep and negative thoughts and feelings about myself since.
Within a week of leaving, I came down with pneumonia which Im still recovering from. Hard when starting a new job. My emotions are close to the surface and I embarrassed myself at my sons wedding last week. I could not stop crying and missed the cake cutting as I tried to get myself under control. I missed photos, I couldn't eat. I was a mess. I was not aware that people would interpret this as I was unhappy with the marriage.
Right now, I am taking each hour, each day to get through trying hard not to put myself on trial again. I am terribly harsh on myself at times. I feel fragile, alone and scared.
